I don’t want my baby calling Mum’s partner Granddad...

My eldest son has a girlfriend with a 3 year old son. He's been with her for 2 years and I've become grandma mabel. It's no biggy really, just another person who loves her child.

Tbh it sounds like your mum is trying to tie her partner down, and having her children call him grandpa cements the relationship.

She sounds quite selfish.

As a pp pointed out, it would be interesting to know if she is called granny by her boyfriends grandson.

Apologies, you said in your first post that your sister talked to your mum about this before her son was born the same as you, and that prior to that you hadn't taken his quietness to be malicious.

Still, I personally think you need to be aware of the difference between stating your intentions and simply quietly doing it. It's the same as going up to someone to say "you're not my friend" rather than just never referring to them that way. It feels like you wanted them to know that.

If I was your mum I'd probably feel exasperated it was happening again after already having the conversation with your sister which might explain the overreaction.

That's not to say I think she's 100% right to feel that way, but I can see why feelings were hurt and I don't think you've helped the growing rift by jumping the gun to make a point out of it.

People can be thick @Emthebaker.
Just focus on those that have understood your situation and ignore the rest

Hopefully she will thaw and you can reach some sort of compromise. I agree with you that it's not up to your mum to decide, it's up to you. I would try not to get too hung up about who makes contact first. It's understandable to insist the other must cave first but it's how minor spats can get pulled into decades-long feuds.

Apologies if I've missed it, I have read the thread, but what does your mum's partner's grandson call your mum? I wonder if she is either desperate to be called Granny by him, and taking it out on you, or is called Granny and feels anything less than Grandad for him in "return" would be mortifying/a massive snub.

I don't understand why she is through with you and not your dsis being as you both asked the same.
i don't blame you tbh, it's her call, don't back down. if she wants to lose her grandchildren over a title that says a lot about her.

Ae18. This man had been on the scene for two years when the nephew was born. there is no way I would bestow this privilege on a new boyfriend. It has life long consequences.

The man is an arse if he is going along with this.

This is ridiculous. The man clearly has no interest in the children, they are not his grandchildren and he doesn’t think of them in this way. I doubt he wants them to call him grandpa.

Your mum is trying to force a relationship that isn’t there.

It would confusing for the children to grow up calling is man grandpa when he doesn’t give a flying fig about them. It will also be confusing for this mans actual grandchildren.

He is clearly not going to treat all the children equally, I doubt your son and nephew feature in his will for example (and why should they). So why pretend there is close relationship that doesn’t exist.

@AngelasAshes you really are a twat. You've apply your circumstances to the OPs situation which are hugely different and then insulted her as a result. If you are sensitive about adoption then you may want to read OPs better rather than trying them to make them about a circumstance that just doesn't apply.

I think you're underestimating the power of the statement in this. Had you not said anything and after a few years your mum complained that you don't refer to him as grandad to your kids, I would say she was being fussy and shouldn't be upset. But to go out of your way to say it before the baby is even born, let alone before they're talking, gives the impression that you feel so strongly about him not being family that you want to make an active point of it. I definitely wouldn't threaten non contact, she is being melodramatic, but it would definitely feel like an insult.

The fact he has gone out of his way to say HIS grandchild has arrived shows he has read your message loud and clear. I do think it's quite rich to be offended by him not seeing your nephew as family AFTER your sister had made a point of saying that he wasn't.

My partner was around from my two children being 6 and 9 years old. He didn't move in until they were much older though.
He never tried to be their dad because they already had one but they became close.
Now, their children call him granddad because my children want them to. My partner never expected them to (but as happy about it) and neither did I expect it.
Your mother has to respect your choice/decision and not put her wants above yours!

Hold on your nephew spends two days a week with your mother and this man and still isn't allowed to call him grandpa!! This may be CFery. Blood isn't relevant relationships are.

I'm not sure I can get het up about labels, I have two couples (friends) who I refer to as auntie/uncle with regard to DS, they're not and his real aunties and uncles don't seem bothered. You've expressed your wishes, you have little to do with him and you will never refer to him as grandad to your child, so it's unlikely they will use that label anyway. She doesn't sound like she'll change her mind, no point in arguing with a brick wall.

My 3 DN call my stepdad pappy, my mum has been married to my stepdad for 10 years so he wasn't always a part of me and DS life but he has always been a part of DN lives

Think about the long term effects - I have been married to my DSD's dad for 20 years, known her since she was 10, been very much involved in her upbringing. When she had a child and decided there was never going to be any grandparent name for me I couldn't have felt more hurt and excluded. It has had a very negative influence on our relationship ever since. It's not so much the name, but being told in no uncertain terms that you're not family and never will be.

Over the last 8 years, I have time and again had to remind myself to back off because I don't have the right DNA to be involved. He's missed out on love and support that would have been freely given. It has also affected my DH's relationship with his GS, although we both love him dearly. So I agree with AngelaAshes, you are being unnecessarily cruel and unwelcoming to your mother's partner and it's not surprising he is having difficulty relating to you, your sister and her child.

They have had a very short relationship, it sounds as though your mum is far keener on him being assimilated into the family than he is. If they split up it would be very confusing to your children. Don't do it.

Four years?? There are plenty of parents on here who have had children after a shorter period! How long is acceptable?

My family tree is all over the place but I had a grandma who wasn't a grandma and we called her husband uncle. Never questioned it until my teens when I was old enough to understand.

But given your update where he handed your nephew back in favour of his blood grandchild I wouldn't want my child calling him grandad either. YANBU. Sack your mother off if she has form for this sort of thing. It's not worth the stress

My gran had only been with my grandad (her second partner, now husband) for around 4 years when I was born. I called him grandad and still do, and my actual biological grandad is also called grandad. Although My mum viewed him as the ‘new’ partner at the time, she realised he would likely be a big part of my life. She now would refer to him as her stepdad as I am an adult. He has been around since I was born and has been a grandfather figure, so of course I call him grandad.

My husband and I have been together for 15 years. He is Grandad to my youngest daughter's kids, since the eldest, aged 5, said "Can I call you Grandad?" My other grandchildren call him by his first name. Either is fine by us. They are all affectionate towards him and treat him as a Grandad, whatever they call him. Could I suggest that you think of a Grandad type name that your child can call your Mum's partner? Pops? Grumpy? That might heal the rift between you before it gets worse.

My grandparents were divorced and we called granny's husband Uncle John.
We had a grandad so would never have thought if calling John grandad.

Your mum sounds toxic. Do you really want to expose your child to such a manipulative cow?

Why not take this golden opportunity she has presented you with and cut her out of your life now.

YANBU at all. I had a similar dilemma with my Nan's partner and my son.

My son calls my Nan 'Nan' although he gets that she is his great Nan but I have always referred to her partner by his first name and taught my son the same (my son is 5).

My Grandad (Nan's husband) died when I was 4 and there is no way in Earth I would be calling anyone else Grandad - those shoes can't be filled and that's why I don't want my son calling Nan's partner Grandad - because he isn't.

My sister has taken to referring to Nan's partner as Grandad and her two sons do the same - as petty as it might sound it actually upsets me quite a lot. I seethe every time I hear it. Fair enough my sister wasn't born when our Grandad died but she still knows about him. I also know it would upset our mum if she knew

So, I would just use your mum's partners name and teach your child the same - they have Grandma and

They have a grandad and they dont need to call one who isn't their grandad,"grandad", just to please your mother.

He is your mothers partner not their grandad. YANBU at all, your mother is