I don’t want my baby calling Mum’s partner Granddad...

My Dad married someone who has children and grandchildren, they all refer him by his first name, we don't have a problem with it.

I think YABVU.

Your mums life has not worked out as she planned. This is a new stage and she wants to be accepted as "grandparents" with her partner.

My DC have 8 grandparents. They all choose their own grandparent names. I would not dream to dictate the definitions of their relationship with their grandchildren. Grandchildren are a new relationship to be cherished and celebrated. Be inclusive.

It has nothing to do with courtesy and everything to do with how the family into which you’ve married views you. Not allowing your children to call a partner a name indicative of a grandparent makes a very clear statement that they’re not perceived to be part of the family. And they will naturally behave accordingly.

So a cousin, for example, isn’t family because they’re addressed by their first name rather than as ‘Cousin Kate’? Why is a special title necessary? And why does someone have to be officially ‘ranked’ as family via a title to show love and support? I have friends to whom I’m much closer than some of my family members - we can show each other love and support without needing special titles.

What @StillCoughingandLaughing said: great comment.

As to the response: When a stepchild won’t allow you a familial title it’s a clear message that they don’t consider you part of their family

I don't agree with this at all. A given name is far from an insult: it's a courtesy (incidentally one my MiL does not extend to me). Her husband is a top bloke, and we gel with him much better despite the fact that MiL has the grandparent title. The fact that we/DC call him Rick doesn't in any sense lessen the value of that relationship.

This is an effort to exert control and impose a relationship whose foundations are wobbly to start with. IMO this shouldn't be encouraged. It's the child's wellbeing that matters here, not the sensitivities of adults who are old enough to know better.

Angels ashes. I think adoption is totally different to this thread. When-a child is adopted they become a fully fledged family member, no different to a biological child.

However when an adult marries into a family they do not automatically become mummy to step children, or granny to step grandchildren. Those titles may come with time in the right circumstances if everyone is happy.

But an adopted child and a marrying in adult (or boyfriend or girlfriend) are completely different situations.

That’s not what she’s saying @Stillcoughingandlaughing. When a stepchild won’t allow you a familial title it’s a clear message that they don’t consider you part of their family. If you’re not part of the family, you can’t behave as if you are. A boundary has been drawn by the stepdaughter and it’s being respected. She can’t have her cake and eat it too.

Over the last 8 years, I have time and again had to remind myself to back off because I don't have the right DNA to be involved. He's missed out on love and support that would have been freely given. It has also affected my DH's relationship with his GS, although we both love him dearly. So I agree with AngelaAshes, you are being unnecessarily cruel and unwelcoming to your mother's partner and it's not surprising he is having difficulty relating to you, your sister and her child.

So because you haven’t got a grandparent’s title, you can’t - or won’t - show him love and support? THAT is unnecessarily cruel; as is letting it affect your husband’s relationship with his grandson. If you’re old enough to be a grandmother, you’re way too old for such petulant behaviour.

She doesn't expect you to call him Dad, so why he would be Grandad I have no idea.
I find her "we are done" commenting unnecessary and controlling. Your relationship with her is already strained. I hope that your comment about your niece means you are close to your sister and I hope that your fiancé's family are close.
If you want to, perhaps think of a different title, maybe Pop or similar, to give him status but not Grandad. Or if you don't, don't. He has no relationship with you so it's not an automatic entitlement.
I can't get over the fact your mum would emotionally blackmail you during a time period you would naturally reach out to her for help and support. You don't need to be blackmailed or controlled. Unfortunately your strained relationship may be about to get more distant, but whatever happens, it's got to be on your terms.
All the best with your pregnancy. I hope that otherwise, this is a happy and stress free time for you

I THInk closeness the family is key here.

It should be about the children, if you give some one the title you should be sure they will live up to it. All indications are this man won’t.

Op’s Mum doesn’t seem to care about the children at all - pretending g this man is their grandparent then setting them up for the disappointment when he doesn’t act like it,

I do think the marital status makes a big difference. He is not OP's stepdad, because he and OP's mother are not even married. Not even engaged, let alone married

I disagree. My mother's husband will never be my stepfather, simply because I was in my 40s when they got married. He is my mother's husband.

They weren't married when my niece was born, but were in an established relationship. To my niece he is grandad (along with her biological granddads). 'Family' is where you find it; it goes beyond legal and biological definitions.

My DH has a Dad and a Stepdad. My DS can't talk yet but we plan for them to be Grandad and Grandad John

It's not weird to me though because I had a Step-Grandad growing up and he was always just Grandad

I do think the marital status makes a big difference. He is not OP's stepdad, because he and OP's mother are not even married. Not even engaged, let alone married. He is simply the mother's boyfriend. That's all. You don't normally call the boyfriend/girlfriend of someone grandma/granddad.

He is simply her mum's current boyfriend. Not family.

@AngelasAshes He is only the mother's boyfriend. So no, he is not 'family'. And if you had been reading this site for any length of time, you'd know that quite often, blood relatives are toxic and just because you are blood-related doesn't a family make. You seem quite naive and unable to understand that not everyone has a cookie cutter family like you appear to have.

Well, it’s up to you, but I had 5 grandmas when I was little, each distinguished by Grandma Becky, Grandma Smith, Grandma Jones, Grandma Millie and Grandma Lucy. Two were actually great-grandparents and one was a step-grandparent.
I knew who was my mum’s mum and my dad’s mum. Same for my grandads.
It was all the aunties that confused me. I only worked out who was who when all the great-great-aunties and great-aunties were no more.
So grandparent was directly above me in the family tree and auntie was sideways and up, but even them some were just friends, and got given family titles because they been around so long they were ‘part of the family’.

I am a stepmother and hope that, when my stepkids eventually have their own children, they might call me Nanna or NannaSteelRiver. Nanna isnt used much around this area so it wouldn't clash with their mother being Grandma.

I can understand your mother's point of view but I know that it's not my place to make any demands,
nor is it hers . Your mother is being unreasonable.

I aggre with @DisplayPurposesOnly. Children can have lots of grandparents. It doesn't diminish the role of anyone else. My son had three granddads including his nan's second husband. I barely had a relationship with any of my sons granddads (including my own father). But it's not about me, it's about my sons relationship with them. You are being too controlling.

my sister and I have made decisions about not having our children call him Granddad after four years (three for my sister) of him rejecting our efforts to welcome him into the family - his actions caused reactions, not the other way around. His coldness towards us led to these decisions - he did not stop making an effort after my sister said she didn’t want him to be referred to as granddad, he never made an effort to begin with

This is exactly what you should be telling your mum when you next speak to her.
If she continues with her histrionics, ask her partner in front of her if he is bothered.
If he says no - great.
If he says yes - repeat the above.

What is your sister going to do if her dc starts calling the guy grandad?
It will be blatantly obvious at that point that your mum was behind it all.
Be careful going forward though, because if she's manipulating your nephew against his mothers wishes then she'll do the same with yours whenever she gets the opportunity, of which there will be many as your dc grows older.

YANBU
My DP has 5 grandchildren, they call me Maverick. I love them dearly but I am not their grandparent. They already have a full complement of those.

Ordinarily I'd say you were being a bit silly. Most of us have more than one grandpa, or did at one time. It's not a title for just one person. I had 3 grandmas growing up, having 3 didn't diminish the title for any of them.

That said, your mum is being MORE ridiculous. What a thing to be cutting people off for!

My Dad has been with his partner for 16 years, and my MIL has been married to her husband for 12 years... they are not granny or grandad they are known by their first names. It hasn't stopped my child having a lovely close bond to either of them and neither of them have been insulted. In fact my MIL has 9 grandchildren all of whom call her husband by his first name.

Ok, you've clearly decided you're definitely right, there's no need to patronise everyone that doesn't agree 100%

I don't really see the point in posting this is you don't want to hear alternate perspectives.

I didn't misunderstand anything you made clear. Your post gave the impression that you brought the subject up, it's only your last comment that's made it clear your mum did. There's not much you can do in that scenario, she put you on the spot.

Still, my opinion is that being too hung up on labels creates a problem when there isn't one and friction where there doesn't need to be, when it doesn't actually make any difference. If the child sees him a lot and has a close relationship with him, they'll think of him as grandad, if they don't, they won't 🤷🏻‍♂️

YNBUR. Both mine and DH parents got divorced when we were kids and they all have partners now, our children just call the Nanna + first name or Grandpa + first name. We get on great with all our parents partners and the children have great bonds with them also.

There's no reason not to have multiple grandparents. My kids have three of each. It makes no difference to them whether they are related by blood or not. They are not necessarily closer to the biological ones, and using the name doesn't necessarily mean that they are close to the person. The relationship is built by the person, or not and what they call them makes no difference. If this man already has grandchildren he is already known as grandad so why not let your kids call him that too? He will have been around since birth for them. It's not like this is someone your mum has been with for two weeks.

@Emthebaker you are welcome. Don't try to justify yourself to the rest. Save your breathe and energy.