To tell DH me and the DC are moving and it's his choice whether he comes?

This time the twat can't use that threat as I can respond "In the courts eyes the DC are old enough to decide who they live with, and they are going to choose me because they both resent you for keeping them prisoner here just because it suits you."
Yep, you can make up your own mind and I know what I’d be doing.

I think your DH has a choice to make - if it's his choice to stay there he needs to drive people around, pretty much as often as they want him to. If he's not prepared to do that he needs to move - or at the very least you do. I don't think you are being unreasonable unless you guys are wealthy enough to get cabs all the time in which case you could use that solution.

@VizzyWoo if he’s so keen to keep the house “for retirement” - which in itself is not unreasonable - then what about renting it out via an agency until such time that it’s practical to live there again? That way he gets to keep the “dream retirement home” but you could all rent a much more practical home on the edge of or in town for now.

He cannot reasonably object to that. If he does, I think it’s time for an ultimatum.

We live in a city centre, within a 15 minute walk of the main centre, I would recommend it! As much as I'm an introvert, so don't really like crowds, it's nice to be within walking distance of so many things. Particularly over the DC's childhood, we have been faithful users of the town's leisure centre for swimming lessons and another niche sport my DD does. DDs secondary will be a 15minute walk, what do your DC's do til 6pm waiting to be picked up? I'd not want my DC hanging around til that time. You don't even have to move to an urban area, there's lots of quiet suburban places with good transport links into town. And I'd prefer to retire in a city or town where you've got tons of pubs, restaurants, cinema, social groups going on.

It sounds very difficult, I live in a village with a hourly bus service, but less at weekends. But we're near the main trainline.

The thing is you're not retired, you might want go to work part time so moving would give you independence as well as the dcs. As you get older access to medical care etc becomes more important.

Good on you, OP, for sorting out DD's lift to the party.

I really am reaching the end of my tether. I still love him somewhat but he has become such a twat.
Are you sure you do love him even "somewhat" or is this just habit?

Do, please, speak to Shelter and/or your council before making any permanent move as there is the strong possibility your council will declare you've made yourself intentionally homeless. Take advice before you leave him (and you do need to as I very much doubt this is his only area of utter selfishness).

My mum didn't drive and my dad worked all the hours god sent, but he still managed to take me and my brother here, there and everywhere without moaning about it, because they made the decision to send us to a school two towns away, so all our friends were there. He also took me to two different stables at 7 and 7.30am on Saturday and Sunday and picked me up, and took my brother to football on a Sunday too.

I have been the only driver in a relationship (before DS) and it is a bit of a pain, but having children changes things and you either drive them about because they can't or you move!

Another thing to think about with 'country life', is that it's highly probable that your DC will grow up and move to a city/larger town. DS1 did as and I'm sure DS2 will as soon as he is financially able to. Luckily for us that means about 35-40 miles away and in "California freeway distance" that's practically in our backyard. But it's a lot further if you're driving 2-lane country roads. We only have to drive about 5 miles of that then it's freeway.

You don't/can't drive. Your DH is a jerk who won't drive anywhere if he doesn't want to. How often do you think you'll be seeing your children and grandchildren?

God this is bringing back loads of horrible memories from my teenage years. As pp's have said if you do love with him it will be awful because heel blame you for making him leave his perfect home.

OP, the more you post, the more I see an abusive, controlling dick, not a husband who cares about what you or your DC think or feel. You and your DC will feel better to move away into town.

IAskTooManyQuestions AndIDon'tListenToTheAnswers.

@VizzyWoo Does he have any good qualities at all?

You really are at a crossroads. If you stay the atmosphere will continue to get worse, your kids more resentful and they will move out at the first chance. If you leave you’ll be leaving him behind

The question really is - who would you rather live with, him or them?

Your DD’s relationship with him already sounds wrecked, her relationship with you will also get more strained as she gets more stressed with the situation. Once she moves out she’s hardly going to be excited about the prospect of visiting regularly with him there.

If moving in with your family is still an option, I'd be packing a few bags for the three of us to stay with them for the summer at least.

It’s all about control and keeping you were he can have total control over what you do and do not do
He won’t change and as you say custody is not an issue anymore

@Beautiful3 the OP has said she has vertigo. I had vertigo temporarily. Every time I turned my head - as you do to check your mirrors - my head spun. Dizzy in charge of a ton of metal travelling at speed? Not a good idea. I currently drive an automatic. It would have made sod all difference to how safe I would have been to drive.

This sounds awful! Poor you and DC. He isn't considering any of you is he? Don't bother putting your home on Homeswapper. It's highly likely he'll still say no which will just delay things and cause more upset.

Talk to him. I'm sure you have talked about this plenty but make this the last conversation you have with him on this subject. Tell him it's affecting you all, you can't do it anymore. You'd love for you all to be able to move etc. If it's still a no then your answer isn't that you can't move. Your answer is that he's not joining you. And then you make your steps to a better lifestyle for you and DC. And you never know, once he sees how serious you are he might change his mind - he probably thinks you won't go ahead with it. Prove him wrong OP!

@Beautiful3 I did read the post. I worked with many disabled people who drove modified cars. I'm pretty sure she could drive an automatic!!!

And what is it about an automatic is it that you think will make it drivable for someone with vertigo?

Honestly this attitude of “learn to drive” when someone has said that they can’t is ridiculous. If someone doesn’t feel safe to drive then that should be accepted. There are enough people driving who shouldn’t be without pressuring folks who know their conditions and know it wouldn’t be safe.

I'd have left a long time ago. It's not about the car (or the fucking bike or what other bollocks people who don't RTFT spewed out), it's about a selfish twat of a man.

He sounds awful op. At least if you got divorced you'd eventually have finances for your own place somewhere, however small.

Have you thought about renting your place out for a year or so and renting a place somewhere more suitable to see what you think before committing to selling or a permanent swap? You could even do that long term if your hubby wants to consider retiring there?

YANBU at all. Your husband is really out of order - bad enough if he was around all the time too, or if you could drive easily, but to fuck off to socialise and work whenever he feels like it, leaving his lonely wife and kids going stir crazy, is so selfish. He should be thinking of their happiness, like you are - I’d say that was what being a parent is all about, making decisions for the good of the family, not just yourself.

DH and I made the decision when we were buying to get a house on the outskirts of a small market town instead of in the lovely little village where we’d been renting, mainly for DS’s convenience when he’s older. We now live 10 minutes walk from the local secondary school, 6 minutes from the local leisure centre, 5 minutes from a shop, with the town centre 20 minutes walk away, where there’s several pubs and restaurants, plus a couple of small supermarkets also within walking distance. We’re just off the main bus route to the three major towns in the area too. Annoyingly we’re a bit further from the one big primary school than I’d like - it’s half an hour’s dawdle with DS, and I do feel a bit jealous of friends with a lovely village primary down the street, but when DS is older, he’ll thank us, we hope - lots of places for weekend jobs, he’ll be able to socialise with friends and go to the gym, and easily catch a bus to one of the bigger towns for shopping. We’d like to retire to a tiny idyllic village but it’ll have to wait until DS goes to university.

@VizzyWoo I am disabled with chronic pain among other issues and my first thought was that walking for an hour would surely bring on chronic pain more than driving for 10 minutes. Then you mentioned your vertigo being brought on by driving which makes much more sense.

I do wonder though if your vertigo/dizziness when driving could be partly caused by anxiety? It would be perfectly understandable as it sounds as if you’ve been living in a controlling and unbelievably frustrating environment, controlled by your husband. Have you ever had any counselling? Is your vertigo being investigated? If not, why? If it’s permanent, can you get ESA or PIP to help with transport costs?

In the short term, does Tesco not deliver to you? They’re the only supermarket I’ve found who will deliver to very rural areas so that you don’t run out of essentials. I know that’s only a small part of your issues but I’m a firm believer in making small changes to make your life easier. With each step, you can feel a little stronger to start making the big changes.