To ask what you actually can't do after having children?

I'm always surprised there are not higher levels of post natal mental health issues when you think of the huge change of lifestyle combined with sleep deprivation. It's comparable to experiences things like a serious illness/bereavement/redundancy in some ways. Your body is changed, you can lose your identity, there is a new family/friend/partner dynamic, your earning potential drops.

@crotchgoblins I remember thinking exactly this when I had dd1; the most colicky, screamy baby I knew. I remember feeling as if my entire world, which up until then had been utterly on my terms, had fallen around me, and I had a tyrannical monster telling me every day and all day that what I was doing was wrong. I felt utter grief for my old life and felt utter sinking despair for the first few months. Worse was knowing I should be grateful and feeling the pressure to savour every magical moment.

I wish I’d read your very reassuring comment in the early days so I’m reposting it in bold in case any struggling mum scrolls past it!

@BusterGonad yeah I do wonder about that. Definitely much simpler when they are younger I imagine.
DH and I share drop off and pick up at present. The crèche DS goes to does breakfast club and after school club and they do drop off and pick ups also. Grandparents mind DS two days per week and will be able to do drop off/pick ups. And I'll be able to do term time working if necessary also. And can change my hours slightly if need be.
I know I am at an advantage and not everyone has similar circumstances.

I miss being able to 'switch off'

E.g. Sitting on a plane and reading a book or nodding off.

With kids: are they all here, buckled, are all passports back in bag, cases away, he looks sick, her ears have popped and are sore, then you're worried that the sweet you just gave them is in fact too large so you spend the next 15 minutes anxiously watching them and hoping they won't choke, they all need snacks, one needs to go to the toilet, one insists they don't, but 5 minutes later they do.

Ditto the rest of the holiday

And every day

My neighbour recently told me that she still lies awake at night, worrying about her children.
They're all in their 40s.
So I guess it really is for the rest of your life

Mine are teens now but I still struggle to shake off that feeling of unease all the time that all is well. This could be down to my own anxiety issues, but I was saying to dh yesterday that I am looking forward to a day when I don’t have to worry about their mental health, their schoolwork and attainment, their diet, their social issues, alcohol, drugs etc.

I feel as if having children has completely disabled my ability to relax and put myself first, and I say that not as a martyr but as a bit of a selfish mum that likes as much me time as possible. But I cannot imagine a time where my short and long term plans were all about me!

For all those who said ‘go on a trampoline’ - did you actually have one to go on before you had kids?!

My husband and I arrange things so that we both have two evenings a week when we can do whatever we want - the other one does all this childcare. This has been a really good way of getting back some pre-kids freedom. Although it’s not as much time as it sounds if you want to socialise, exercise and go shopping, for example.

I think with the loo thing some people do have toddlers/primary age children who like to follow them around chatting etc (my son is too young for this - he just likes to have me in his sight which is not unusual at his age). I can understand that that gets wearing when you just want to go to the loo in peace. One picks one’s battles over these things

“I never bring DS to the toilet with me. I have a playpen if I need him to stay in one place for a bit.”

My 14mo son would work himself up into a screaming rage at this. Maybe you’ll find a way to make that my fault though? I would have to calm him down, so why create that work for myself when I can easily just take him into the loo with me? But I don’t complain about never going to the loo alone anyway. I only have him with me if I am in sole charge. Otherwise H is there or I’m at work etc

You can't work, sleep, eat, play or rest when you like. Your child's need dictate your day.

It will hugely depend on your life pre children and support network post children of how much changes for you afterwards.

If you are a bit of a homebird and family orientated e.g. spend time with nieces/nephews and friends children, have 2 sets of useful and local grandparents nearby, are well off and a supportive partner you will have freedom and may not need major adjustment.

If you don't have the above it will be a lot harder. Particularly if you life involved things like exotic travel, love partying, high flying career where long hours, flexibility and extra commitments are expected, you like a high level of control, spontanity and childfree friends family or hobby that requires time.

Like others have said, even if you get time, you may be too tired to.take an opportuity e.g. an exercise class when you have had 4 hours broken sleep that night.

I'm always surprised there are not higher levels of post natal mental health issues when you think of the huge change of lifestyle combined with sleep deprivation. It's comparable to experiences things like a serious illness/bereavement/redundancy in some ways. Your body is changed, you can lose your identity, there is a new family/friend/partner dynamic, your earning potential drops.

It really depends on your child and your personal circumstances. I had a clingy and unsettled little one and with no family near us she would only be happy with me of DH and I didn’t deal well with her crying. As a result I was v anxious and there’s a lot I didn’t feel able to do.

Others have had really chilled out babies and could go about as normal taking baby with them. There’s so much you just won’t know until your baby arrives!

We have a 2.5 year old and still don’t really. Other with holidays. For us, it’s not a holiday anymore and won’t be for a while but I know plenty of people who do. You’ll work out your priorities easily enough!

I do bring DS to the loo with me if I'm at home alone, most of the time - but because I'm not home alone with him 24/7 that still adds up to lots of quiet wees! I don't see how the 'you'll never wee alone!' thing can possibly be true for most people in most circumstances.

My lot rarely did the loo with me but I know other parents whose children get so very worked up if shut out that they don’t do it. Like so many bits of parenting, your experience will be unique and depend on your children, you and your partner. (Here ends Mumsnet?).

I offer feeble to those who parent children with severe additional needs. You are let down by our wealthy society as are your children.

@littlemisscynical i agree. I never bring DS to the toilet with me. I have a playpen if I need him to stay in one place for a bit.

Spontaneous sex, it's worse when they are teenagers, they stay up later than you and whinge if your bed so much as creaks while you are asleep, never mind having sex!

There's nothing you can't do, you just can't generally do them when you would like to, or on a whim.

If you have a supportive family, nurture that relationship and let them be involved. Our parents love having DS, and we love sending him there so it's win win!

@littlemisscynical what about when school starts though? And all the holidays and inset days? The drop off and pick up? In some ways the older they get the easier they get but in others it gets harder.

I also don't really understand people saying they never go to the toilet on their own now. Really?!

Was born!

frijolesssss I completely agree with the SN aspect, my son was pure extremely premature and now he's 10 it's still a struggle, each new teacher he has we/I have to go to meetings about him, he hates babysitters, hates most school clubs etc so for all the parents saying things go back to normal etc after a few years, they don't for everyone!
On a lighter note, you will never have the bed to yourself again!

I'm only 16 months in but I honestly don't find it that bad 🤷‍♀️. DH is an equal parent. We have good family support also. And we both work normal working hours full time. So I'm aware that makes a massive difference.

Also we had reached the stage in life where we weren't partying much anyway and we aren't overly spontaneous people

Yes holidays are different now but I still enjoy them. DH and I take it in turns relaxing whilst the other looks after DS.

DH and I exercise alternate evenings during the week and we socialise separately with friends. Occasionally we go out just the two of us for a date night.

I did find the early days a struggle though. Really struggled with sleep deprivation and the monotony of it all. I much prefer having a toddler and love taking him to the pool, park etc life got much easier when I went back to work.

It’s very true what a pp said - you are only as happy as your unhappiest child.
Your point is a good reminder, @ClownOnCruise. The years before 10 are exhausting but can be petrifying afterwards for different reasons.

Working, it's almost impossible to work with kids unless you have a well paid job or you do shift work when the other parent is at home. It's been hellish. I've given up with it tbh and don't work. If I work I can't keep the house tidy, buy the food, pick my son up from school/drop him off, do doctors appointments etc. it's so bloody hard. My son hates school clubs and hates anyone but me doing the school run....what can you do when term time jobs are like gold dust?

@PandaMa

I've just got back from Spain. If the cries of 'Papa! Papa! Papa!' coming from one little one bin the pool were anything to go by, and the resigned look on his dad's face, Spanish children demand their parents watch them perform too.

Stop worrying. Ever.

Oh god, where to start.
You can't go on weekends away with just your partner (unless you have a good family), you can't save money (unless you're loaded to start with), my biggest and hardest thing to deal with is the popping out in your own, it drives mad, things like just getting a pint of milk and browsing the magazines are suddenly a luxury of the past.