Secret savings and plans without OH

I had a running away fund, always had separate accounts anyway so I just lied about how much I had. I kicked him out 4 years ago so didn’t run away but I had the funds to manage alone until I secured a job.

I also think you should get out, 3k is enough. And expect his abuse to escalate. What's holding you there for the next say 3 months?

Is he financially abusive as well? That really wouldn't surprise me.

Use the money to rent a property and look for a job independent of your husband. In a divorce he may have claim to any savings or property in your name. YANBU to want to have an escape plan in your circumstances.

My husband isn’t abusive and yet I still have £60k of savings knows nothing about. He has had the opportunity to save much more than that but is spendthrift. A woman should always have her own money.

You know it's a really bad idea to stay much longer - he could kill you. He's attacked you three times in four years - if he finds out you are saving money then he will definitely hurt you.

The sooner you leave, the better. Think about it practically - it will take years and years to save up for a deposit on your own with secret savings. You'll be instantly better off financially if you separate. What about planning to work as a housekeeper for five years and save whatever you can and then buy something?

Of course it’s sensible to be squirrelling money away to escape your abusive husband, not sure why people on here are feeling sorry for him.

I think your next step ought to be to find a job, rent, divorce and sell the family home and then use the capital to buy your own in time.

And not ALL savings that a person has goes into the divorce pot. If he earns more you may well keep your pot of cash depending on the settlement.

I get you want the security, but have you considered moving jobs/area and then sorting out the permanent home?

Physical violence always escalates.

Did he tell you his ex was crazy and jealous, etc?

If you haven't already been posted to the Freedom Programme: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

You're describing textbook abuse, so it's not a reflection on you that he pulled you in. It's also a crime.

I'll do exactly the same if I were you. You are building a fund to feel more secure.
I'm just sorry you are staying with him as clearly you don't.
Takes a lot to get organised and take further steps towards independence asap.
You know that long run you will be leaving him.
It is your money and he may also have some of his own money stashed away.
Take care and hopefully you'll realise your independent dreams in the near future.

I have always had my own work and my own savings.
I had a nest egg before I got married and added to it over the years.

I feel that all women should have access to their own money whether it's to buy clothes and stuff we want, or for security if something goes wrong with a relationship and we need to be independent.

I could not imagine having only a joint account or no accounts of my own.

If you feel your marriage is over and you cannot leave at the moment, for whatever reason, then I think you are being sensible.

If you have no children why not just go to Europe and get a divorce

You need to save as much as you can and get the hell away from him. Best of luck OP.

In a happy, healthy marriage YABU but it doesn’t sound like it is does it?

Addressing the real issue should be your priority and not dreaming of an escape.

What are the barriers to changing your job? Visa conditions?

Not being loopunreasonable having a secret fund if you are need to escape an abusive husband. If you no longer want to buy a house and want to travel I say go for it. I would suggest you contact Woman's Aid for support in the interim.

Had you been secretly been planning to leave a normal DH that's a different story but that's not the case. Be safe and get help then follow your dreams.

To people who would be upset that your partner has a running away fund, how will you make the difference between simple savings and a runaway fund?
They are savings that’s it. If the OP then wants to use that to be able to leave her DH that’s a different matter.
But I think everyone should have some savings in their own name, one that they can only access.
Lots of reasons for that but it includes (bar divorce or running away)

• death of the spouse and everything in joint names get frozen
• some financial indépendance that allows you to buy something special wo automatically having the agreement of your partner etc...

OP I have a saving account like this. You can describe it as a runaway fund if you would lie in that this is money I would have automatic access if/when we get divorced. Money he wouodnt be able to touch. I still see it as savings that we both have in that, if we were divorced, that money would be split between us too. But it gives me that little bit of safety so that I do have access to some money if things come to the worse. H would have no issue in that score because if his job (much better wage than me....)

Why don't you run off to Europe and be a housekeeper? You have £3,000. Do you have somewhere you could go to while you planned it? Would your parents help out? Do you speak a foreign language?

I know you'd have to be careful with that amount of money but if you went on pay day you'd have a bit more. Do you have a car you could sell? What are you qualified to do?

How would your husband feel if he knew you were hiding money. Turn the situation around and think how you would feel if you found out he had secret savings!

I'm guessing OP wouldn't go in for physical violence as her husband apparently does.

I have always had a “running away” fund. I have no plans to run away but it makes me feel better knowing i could. I grew up in an abusive household and my mother could never leave due to finances. I like the freedom of knowing i could get up and walk out with my kids if i needed to. I believe people or situations can change out of nowhere and i hate relying on others.

I don’t - but in your circumstances I don’t blame you for doing so. I hope you are able to make your escape soon

You have very valid reasons for having a secret savings account. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty about it.

I hope, one day soon, you can leave your husband and live a happier life. In the meantime, keep saving.

OP he has attacked you already. He may kill you while you are saving. Your life is more important than owning your own home. Leave now.

I don't blame you at all. However, how can you buy a new place if your job is with your husband and you give that as a reason for staying?

How old are you? Do you have children together?