Secret savings and plans without OH

Women should always have a secret savings account. You think husbands arent capable of turning into a total stranger/monster and emptying joint accounts if it hit the fan? Wishing you all the best OP.

We have joint finances and accounts for spending, but separate investments, ISAs etc. DH doesn’t know how much I have apart from a ballpark estimate and nor does he care. I don’t know how much he has either actually, he invests (and gains and loses) in many areas.

Suppose any savings could be used as a running away fund by either of us.

£3k will get you a CELTA course, a flight to Asia and 2 months spending money. You are not trapped. There are options!! Don't let fear stop you.

Were the assaults reported to the police? It's incredibly how many violent men can pose as charming guys to the general public.

OP, can you tell us what stopped you from leaving him when he assaulted you? Did you believe his apologies? Was it a money problem, that you felt stuck?

I have my own savings. My husband knows about it though although he’s probably got no idea how much. It’s been spent and added to over the years. He’s not really interested in what’s in there.

Yes look for a live in job elsewhere!

Lots around if you’re prepared to move - even just temporary.

Leave as soon as you can. Otherwise your secret stash could be paying for your funeral.
Violent abusive partners tend to increase their violence as time goes on.

Is there any way you get already get a different job now, not tied to his. Can you find a way to sell this to him as a good thing? For example if you could earn a bit more you could say you could contribute a bit more? Just as a way to already slowly set yourself up for being able to leave? (And the savings account is a great idea!) Good luck OP.

I don't have a secret savings account, but then I'm not in your situation, I hope you get enough together to get the life and freedom you want soon, you deserve to be happy xx

If my best friend was in your situation my biggest concern would be how much longer it would take her to save a house deposit amount of money and how many times her husband could kill her and take her money, or divorce her and take half (?) her money, in that period.

Sounds a wild thing to do but my friend works for the Royal Household as a housekeeper. they have a website. Didn't go in with much skills, and the pay isn't great, but bed and board are included, and you get a lot of holiday and a decent pension. They train you really well. There's lots of security to get through, and non-disclosure agreements, but she loves it, has no money worries, all her money is hers after rent, and it's a really interesting world to be in.

Is the house in joint names

If I felt I needed a secret account I would take that as a massive sign I shouldn’t be in that marriage. What’s the point if no trust and you haven’t got each other’s backs

I've always had one, just in case.

Yup, you do right! Iv got secret savings, its sensible. Its my rainy day money. I don't rely on my partner for money, I work full time, own my own house, more than pay my way, bill's, holidays, car etc. My stash is mine cos you just never know. Keep saving but get a plan to leave, change jobs, whatever you need to do

As you are in an abusive marriage I would say get out sooner rather than later. You have saved up enough to keep you going for a while. If you don't have family to shelter you then find yourself another job asap and you will be able to rent your own place and then still save up to buy your own house if that's what you want, but will be safe while you are doing it. If you want something quick and short term there are adverts in The Lady for instance for live in housekeepers so you would have home and job all in one. Good luck x

It's only £3000 random, just a drop in the ocean. And she will have spent it by then anyway.

No, but can understand it if you are trying to escape. A good and happy marriage shouldn't need secrets.

According to google:

During divorce proceedings, the court will assess your and your partner's joint assets, but also any individual bank accounts and credit cards you hold

so the money in your account will be taken into account with the financial settlement part of the divorce.

Women's Aid will be able to give you good advice, they have a Freephone 24 hr National Domestic Violence Helpline 0808 2000 247

Won't he be legally entitled to a share of assets when you divorce?

I'd go see a solicitor to secure that deposit you're saving up and don't buy until the divorce is final or solicitor tells you it's safe.

Good luck, poppet. I hope you escape soon and live your dreams out.

I don't understand the replies before the OP added more information. Why on earth is it "very unfair" to have savings of your own? She didn't suggest she was stealing money. If I found out my DP had £3000 in a private savings account, I don't know if I could even muster up a reaction, apart from "Yes... Sensible..."

Thank goodness you haven't got kids!

YANBU OP. There’s nothing wrong with having a little financial security for yourself. My mum always used to say that every woman needs to be financially secure in her own, even if it’s just a little bit squirrelled away