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Original poster

Why has my dh become obssessed with housework (& my alleged lack of doing it properly)???

38 replies

peggotty · 19/07/2007 09:59

I can't believe we had a massive argument last night about f-ing housework. I am a SAHM, he works full time in a pretty demanding job, and suffers from insomnia quite often (all the time at the moment). I have one 2.5 yrs dd and am 12 weeks pg. He claims that he lives in a 'pigsty' and then the only time the house is clean is when he does it, because I do not 'pull out furniture' when vacuuming or 'wash down doors and skirting boards' as part of my housework routine. I will be the first to admit I am not a tidy person, but I do try and keep the house as clean and tidy as I can. He seems to have turned into some kind of ruddy victorian husband about the whole issue and it is majorly pissing me off. I am 'only pregnant, not ill' and that the 'vast majority' of other women who are pg or with kids manage to keep a spotlessly clean house apparently.

The strange thing is (or maybe not so strange, because it probably explains why he's like this) his mothers and sisters houses are absolutely filthy. I do not exaggerate when I say that his sisters carpet is crunchy because it has not been vacuumed for so long. I have not been in his mothers house for about 3 years because I think he is embarassed. Of course, I am not allowed to say anything about this. Last night I made the mistake of telling him to have a look at himself at try and work out why he was so hung up about housework and I suspect he got my drift because I was ordered into the spare room to sleep last night and he left for work early this morning and when I phoned him, he says he still isn't talking to me.

I think he is being unreasonable and is projecting his hang-ups about his familys cleanliness etc onto me. Obviously none of you can come into my house and say 'actually, it is a bit of a pigsty, I see what he means' but I really don;t think I am deluding myself when I say it is NOT a bloody pigsty. Do I give in to him and become a stepford wife who has a frigging housework rota or what?! I don't know what to bloody do with him!!

OP posts:
LittleBellatrixLeBoot · 19/07/2007 10:57

Actually you shouldn't be pulling out furnityre when you're pregant

So tell him that's not going to be done for nine months.

Oh hold on, I'm not pregnant and I don't do it for years. Oh well.

It does sound like it's about something else. Does he think you're skiving by being a SAHM and he wants to get his money's worth or something?

Doodledootoo · 19/07/2007 10:48

Message withdrawn

Tortington · 19/07/2007 10:41

well shit on a stick - i nevre pull out furniture - wash down skirting boards - oh purlease!

lifes too short - tell him to get a grip he is being a fucking freak

Moorhen · 19/07/2007 10:40

Not making any excuses for him at all, because speaking to you like that is totally out of order - but if he is properly, clinically depressed and you have all those worries about taxes and boilers etc, he is likely concentrating on something smaller and easier to control, ie cleanliness of the house.

Have had depression and anxiety myself, and did notice I obsessed about small points in preference to tackling the larger ones.

Just a thought, not saying this is definitely it.

And I have never cleaned a skirting board in my life. I wait a year or two and then paint 'em.

FCH · 19/07/2007 10:38

I wanted to say that my DH and I have had a running battle on this subject since we moved in together and, whilst he is genuinely a lot tidier than me, it is never really about housework. He definitely gets worse when other areas of life are out of control and is easier to live with when we are more organised and therefore relaxed.

It sounds like you are really busy but is there any way you could tackle some of the other things you mention (mortgage / insurance / boiler) to ease the general stress level?

Has he always been like this about housework or did it start at the same time as the insomnia / birth of DD? Do you think this is all a sort of performance anxiety over providing a "perfect environment" for the children?

Sorry to ramble on a bit, but it really sounds to me that it is the other areas that really need tackling.

(By the way - he is being very silly about the doors etc - what nonsense!)

foxinsocks · 19/07/2007 10:35

also, the only way we sort out admin (and I know how easy it is to put it to one side and then suddenly get snowed under) is to pencil in a night for admin (very exciting hey!).

It really is the only way anything gets done - we both sit down for an hour or so - go through all the bills, catch up with what we've got planned for the next month or so and make sure we're on top of anything. We also allocate any tasks that need doing.

It sounds very very dull and neither of us ever really feel like doing it but it's the sort of thing you need to force yourself to do iyswim.

foxinsocks · 19/07/2007 10:28

it's virtually impossible to function with insomnia - you can just about concentrate on one task and that's about it. Is he due any leave from work? Are you going away this summer?

I do feel sorry for you - he doesn't sound like he's very easy to deal with at the moment at all. I wonder if you could be bothered to take the initiative here - I know you don't have to and I know there's no reason why you should - but if you perhaps mentioned the doctor again and he made positive noises, perhaps you could make an appointment and go with him. After all, this is affecting you as well.

There are things the doctor can do (and it may be worth getting stuff like his blood pressure etc. tested at the same time).

Original poster
peggotty · 19/07/2007 10:23

He has suffered from insomnia since our dd was born, it seems to come and go. He keeps saying that he's going to try and sort it out, and recently said that he was going to go to the docs, but he's said that before and hasn't (don't know if docs could do anything anyway). He seems to have no energy (understandably) for anything except his work. I can't make him try to sort out his insomnia and he says I have no sympathy for him(which I admit I probably don't anymore because it has been going on for so long and he does nothing). We are both crap at sorting stuff out, but there seem to be thing piling up on both of us that will never get done. His tax bill (he has paid out nearly £2000 but has never completed any tax return, so might not even have owed all that money), we are being shafted on our mortgage and insurance, our boiler's knackered and externally, the house is falling to bits.

He's started going on about how he 'works all the hours' and that I should be able to do ..(insert choice of task). He speaks in ridiculous chauvinist husband cliches, but it's not who he is!

OP posts:
foxinsocks · 19/07/2007 10:07

he sounds very very stressed (what with the insomnia and this, quite obviously, irrational rant at you)

I can't say I've ever washed the skirting boards or cleaned a door (unless it was obviously filthy).

Are you worried about him? It sounds like you might be...

gordieracer · 19/07/2007 10:06

I'm sure this isn't about housework, but other things. I know my dp used to be like this, but how ever much i cleaned, he'd always find something else to moan about.
People seem to pick on things they know will upset you.
No one likes to be called dirty or made to feel like they can't "run a house", so he knows it will hurt you.

Original poster
peggotty · 19/07/2007 10:04

Mistypeaks, just been reading your thread - sympathy to you too and thanks for replying.

OP posts:
mistypeaks · 19/07/2007 10:03

You poor thing. I know how you feel. My dh is similar. I don't know what to say. I did the running myself ragged thing, but all that did was wear me out, p**s the kids off and now its been acheived once he just expects it all the time.
No advice - just hugs.

Original poster
peggotty · 19/07/2007 09:59

Oh bloody hell that's long.

OP posts: