Why has my dh become obssessed with housework (& my alleged lack of doing it properly)???

By meandmyflyingmachine on Thu 19-Jul-07 14:34:57
If you are expecting sweetness and light for the next fifty years then you are in for a rude awakening.

People get stressed, it may make them act unreasonably. If you love them, you deal with it.

Thankyou for posting this, i dont mean to hijack but my DP is being an absolute arse of late but it is because he is stressed out to the eyeballs, im worried about him but i get hurt by his actions and react - i need to learn to take a step back and realise the poor guy is going to crack if things dont change, i have to be there for him

@blueshoes

It was just the description I found odd - the idea of two people taking turns to get on a roundabout of loopiness while the other had to wait it out before their turn. I don't doubt it, it just struck me as an unusual (and also kind of funny).

One person being a basket-case and other mostly reasonable? now THAT sounds more like the marriages I know and admire

I would totally do the same as you (possibly without pulling my finger out at the end ), although not saying that would be a good course of action.

I think clumsymum's advice is top notch - some practical ideas there that sounds like they'd really help.

skidoodle, to my dh's credit, it is mainly me going loopy and him not rising to the bait. I am the more emotional of the 2. I am a realist, hence my description of marriage. I wait for Versuvius to erupt one day.

Skidoodle, did your marriage come under a lot of stress and adjustment, re-working of roles with the arrival of dcs, particularly the first one? Have you not snapped at dh angrily under pressure? This is what I mean about loopy. And I can think of lots more strains in a modern marriage, including loss of job, bereavement, sickness. This is what it means for me "better or worse". The understanding and bigness of heart to not take it personally, making up and getting over the hump is the glue of shared experiences that binds us together. But I digress.

Tbh, if dh spoke to me in the way pegg's dh treated her, I would probably have a screaming row with him and then give him the cold treatment for a few days. Then he will call my bluff after being frozen out enough, and I will sulkily call off the dogs. Then pull my finger out, lol!

Stress and lack of sleep are a killer. Plus pegg's sickness in the first trimester probably meant less was done around the house than usual (perfectly understandable). The added pressure for her dh to earn more with no.2 on the way in a stressful work environment without adequate rest. Not condoning pegg's dh's outburst. But I can see why it happened.

Read somewhere once that people who are obsessive about cleanliness in the home are trying to compensate for a feeling that life (outside the home) is beyond their control. Could be true, I dunno. Doesn't have to take it out on his pregnant wife though!

He thinks you have the easy life. I know when I was going mad with the baby, worn out, frazzled from lack of sleep, dh was totally unsympathetic and unhelpful, the prat. His take was , well we can swap, you go and do my job, I'm quite happy to hang about the house with a baby all day.

But I KNOW I had the harder job.

Peg,

If he is not sleeping AT ALL and is flying off the handle, then he needs time off work, he needs to get things into perspective, and he probably needs to see a doctor.

Yes it's stress, it may be veering towards depression, it's probably out of his control by now, and he needs help. By bitching at you, he's making matters worse.

Do you have the same Dr? If so, make an appointment, and ask the Dr how you can help your dh. If necessary, ask how to protect yourself from becoming over stressed by dh's behaviour. The GP won't discuss your dh's condition, but should hear what you are saying, and may note it on his records. Then when your dh goes in, the GP will have an idea what is really going on (depressed men rarely tell the whole truth in the surgery).

I did this when ds suffered his first bout of depression a few years ago, and it did make a difference.

Don't let this go on. Your dh is very unhappy, it's stressing you, and it can't be good for your baby.

Also, when he's calm, try explaining to dh that you love him, that you are on his side in life, and it isn't you he should be fighting with. Then ask him if YOU can make his Dr's appointment for him (my dh never had time to make the call, didn't have the phone number, made any excuse not to make the appointment).

Good luck.

If you are expecting sweetness and light for the next fifty years then you are in for a rude awakening.

People get stressed, it may make them act unreasonably. If you love them, you deal with it.

marriage is about taking it in turns to go loopy?

I'm only recently married, so what do I know, but that is the weirdest and most depressing description of marriage I've ever heard.

agree, flyingmachine. Marriage is about taking turns to go loopy with the other accommodating, even if the behaviour is unreasonable. But pegg, don't accept it as normal behaviour. Once in a while is ok, provided it blows over with tlc.

My dh does this when he is stressed at work. Normally he is wonderful, but when he is up to his eyes in it or having problems then my lack of awareness about the state of the house tips him over the edge. And I now this will sound all patheic to some people, but I do humour him. I love him, he's stressed and unhappy, so I pull my finger out, tidy up a bit and ride it out. If it were all the time it might be different, in fact it would be different, but I have my own foibles when I am strssed and he deals with them. So I return the favour.

LEM reminds herself to think before she posts again. Actually, ive not read the other posts but your DP sounds like he is under stress, i know this because my DP is being a pig to me at the moment and we had a big flare up and he said it is due to financial worries and he is really stressed to the point of breakdown. It is not healthy to worry so much about the state of the house, i suggest he needs to talk to someone, you would be a good start.

Tell him to fuck off! dont do any housework at all see how he likes it then.

Well you know your DH best and it does sound as if he is just focusing on the cleaning etc instead of whatever else is bugging him (we all know how hard not sleeping is!)

My DP did the same thing yesterday, he was being arsey all morning and I refused to rise to the bait so in the end he starts effing and blinding about the 'filthy fridge' and how all the foods gone off and not been thrown out (that's one apple crumble that I cooked 3 days ago and is still fine to eat and some pate that was about 2 days past date ) he knew it would piss me off becuase I spend ages cleaning and keeping the house in order. It wasn't until about 3 hrs later that I actually found out what was really bugging him (some work thing), so i'm sure there is something else behind him being arsey with you. Which of course doesn't excuse his behaviour!

Just to let you know I know how you feel though (oh and by the way i'm 37wks pregnant) and my dp was all arsey at the beginning about me being sick/tired etc

I do think that pregnancy is not an illness. But that is not to say your dh is entitled to use that phrase on pegg, because some women have a very difficult time of it during pregnancy. I agree that when people use that on pg women it is usually an excuse to not take their delicate condition in account in an unjustifiable way.

I must emphasise, pegg, that I feel your dh is unreasonable in this skirting board issue. That could be a hangover from the filthy conditions he had to ensure growing up. And he is unreasonable to banish you to the spare room.

I think he is feeling that his life is out-of-control. Is he quite an orderly person? When his work life is stressful, he will look to his house to be a haven. When it is not (in HIS PERCEPTION), he gets no respite.

Believe me, I get no respite either from relentless childcare, housework, admin and one non-sleeping baby. But the few times a day when I feel I have wiped down the dining table and high chair and toys have been tidied away gives me a little glow of peace, if only momentary.

I am not suggesting to pegg that she start scrubbing on her hands and knees in her condition. I am only supporting pegg in her desire to start sorting out the admin (which is not a physically demanding thing) in bite-sized chunks during the day. To regain that sense of control. Especially before baby is here. And to use any financial savings to hire a cleaner.

'wash down doors and skirting boards' as part of my housework routine

Sorry but that made me laugh. Who on earth does that?!

It sounds like he's probably stressed out but maybe has some controlling tendencies. I really didn't like the sound of him ordering you, his pregnant wife, to sleep in the spare room. If he was pissed off then surely he should have gone to sulk by himself not 'ordered' you to go.

We've got a 9 month old. He naps, say, an hour and a half a day. During that time my DW has a chance to get her lunch, do some washing, sort out his dinner. The rest of the time she's looking after a whirlwind - the house is a tip when I get home but I quickly came to understand after spending some days looking after him myself that the myth of the housewife with her feet up watching daytime TV is just that. Maybe you could get him to be sole carer for a day to see what it's like in your shoes?

You know all this stuff about "pregnancy is not an illness"

Well of course it isn't, but I htink people who go in for emphasising how like not being pregnant, being pregnant is, do so in order to justify their own lack of consideration for a pregnant woman. That "oh she's only pregnant, not ill, therefore I don't need to get off my arse and let her sit down on a packed tube train" mentality. Like not wanting to patronise elderly people by giving up your seat for them.

Just an excuse imo

I'm obsessed with fairness.

Having a row with your pregnant wife over her slothfulness because of something a toddler says is not in the universe of fairness.

peggotty, I think I am a bit like your dh, when tasks pile up that never get done and the house wallows in chaos, my stress levels go up and I get a bit shouty, especially when I perceive my dh is not pulling his own weight (not saying that you aren't btw).

I am currently a SAHM (whilst on maternity leave), and I understand how there are never enough hours in the day.

But as my dh works fulltime, I accept that if I don't initiate certain things (like tax returns, re-mortgaging, insurance, house maintenance), my dh will never find the time to do it. All weekends are chockers with chores (like ironing, cooking, laundry) and round-the-clock childcare of 2 under 5s. We would have to seriously neglect our children to do admin on weekends.

I know you are going to tackle it - which is great. It will just have to be baby steps, hacking around the edges, ticking off lists etc. You might not be able to do all of it yourself, but there is a lot of legwork you can do during the day. For example, get income/bank statements together for tax returns. Call the mortgage broker, get a range of quotes. discuss the best deal with dh, then you call for the forms, fill them in, so dh only has to sign. Post them off the next day. Find an insurance broker.

Also, do bits in the evenings, even if it is just 15 min, after your toddler has gone to bed. I know you are probably exhausted. That is the only time I can get sheltered time from dhto do that.

little-by-little, you and dh will get there. You might find yourselves breathing easier. Then use the savings you have made to hire a cleaner, lol!

BTW, my cleaner does not move furniture out of the way or wipe down doors or skirting boards either. I think your dh's demands on that front are not reasonable to ask of you, pg with a toddler. I believe that is just a red-herring.

If you have read Men are from Mars, I believe it says men are obsessed with fairness. So the sofa-bed thing, innocent as it sounds, may have played on his mind a bit, since he surely knows that things will only get worse once no.2 is here.

I wish you all the best.

If he wants the house cleaned like that then he has two choices

1. do it himself
2. hire somebody to do it

he is not your boss. you are an equal partner in a marriage and it is not his place to be getting angry over suspicions that you sleep on the sofa during the day.

right now you are pregnant, and have been tired and sick. I can't believe he told you you weren't sick when he must know you have been.

what an utter arse.

if my husband were to start acting like this I would make an appointment with a marriage counsellor and go even if he refused to come too.

I would also not be doing anything to give him the impression that he was in the right or I was in the wrong. Neither would I be moving back in from the spare room until I got a full apology for his treating me like I was a skivvy.

didn't mean to do that link thingy was trying to send you a hug sorry!!

to you] good advice on here follow it and don't rise to the bate. read somewhere else on another thread if you do something nice for him/you both that you ultimately get it back. iyswim good luck

skirting boards sometimes get tail end of the mop which i use for everything fingerprints of walls we are talking once in a blue moon.

I get this from a a stressed/ borderline depressed dh and I work 30 hours a week in a stressful job too !

What is it with men ?

We can afford a cleaner but he is so untidy, leaving a trail of dirty clothes, crisp packets and old newspapers all over the house, and has actually got worse that I'm too embarassed at present to hire one.

He just doesn't remember that before we lived together pre-marriage, his rented bedroom was a slovenly hovel and my house was reasonably tidy and fairly clean.

You have my sympathies ! In my case he has convinced his mother that I'm lazy and a neglectful mother too.

I went through this with my dh. It did improve as his stress levels went down. It was hard not to feel 'in the wrong' as at the time I was at home with one son and one bump and thought that perhaps I should be acting like Mrs Perfect Housewife. But don't feel that you aren't doing enough. It definitely sounds like he is projecting all sorts of stuff onto you.