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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get miffed that DH invites DSS to tea every night?

157 replies

dragonstitcher · 18/07/2007 13:39

I don't say anything because it's not worth the battle, but it does piss me off. DSS is nearly 20yo, he finished college a couple of months ago and is going to Uni in Sept. He stays at home (his mums house) all day long watching TV or playing on the PS2 when he should be looking for a summer job and DH invites him to tea every night and picks him up on the way home from work, so that he doesn't have to feed himself. We are a low income family, I get child benefit and child Tax credit for my kids but not for stepsons and I find it hard to feed everyone on a limited budget. Not only that but stepsons mum complains that she is having to throw away food that isn't getting eaten. Sometimes she sends it over here so that it gets used.

A few times a week is reasonable, but every bloomin night isn't, I feel.

I understand that DH is trying to see as much of him before he goes to uni, so it makes me feel unreasonable for feeling this way. Roll on Sept. BTW nearly 18yo SS fends for himself on junk.

OP posts:
SpiderBaby · 19/07/2007 17:44

but his dad is inviting him

Mercy · 19/07/2007 17:44

No, my parents aren't divorced, my father is dead.

It's still not just his dad's house. It's his step-mothers house too. And his step-brohters/sisters. And hte dsses'.

It's a house and a home - not an hotel.

motherinferior · 19/07/2007 17:44

Christ, at 19 I was cooking my own damn tea. Come to that, why isn't his dad doing the cooking?

filchthemildmanneredjanitor · 19/07/2007 17:44

if i turned up at MY mum's house every night expecting to be fed then i would have to give her money for my keep. did none of you have to give your mum housekeeping when yu were18/19/20 and living at home?

EscapeFrom · 19/07/2007 17:43

Spiderbaby, he doesn't need to be fed at all, he has a meal made for him at his mother's house, he just doesn't bother going home to eat it.

It's ok saying "Teenagers are self absorbed" but he's 19, not 14. He's an adult. I was not allowed to be that selfish at 19.

SpiderBaby · 19/07/2007 17:43

he isnt being demanding to be fed. His dad is inviting him

EscapeFrom · 19/07/2007 17:42

There are mothers on this forum older than this 'boy'. Should they go to their mother's every night and demand that they are fed?

No. No different because he's male, he's not younger because he has not yet procreated. Make him help you.

SpiderBaby · 19/07/2007 17:42

I have never lived close to my mother but I would imagine if I needed to be fed everynight she would do it

Elasticwoman · 19/07/2007 17:41

If I turned up unexpectedly to my mother's house, of course she would feed me. But it would be bad manners of me to turn up without arranging it first, and if she happened to be out that would be my bad luck.
And if I started to make a habit of it (Ping! Elastic stretches 200+ miles to parental home every night) she would say, hey, what's going on here?

If that makes my family odd Spider, then so be it.

SpiderBaby · 19/07/2007 17:40

and he may well be 20, but he is still his fathers child

SpiderBaby · 19/07/2007 17:40

I havent suggested it isnt the stepmothers house but i think some of you need to remember who the child is within this relationship

beansprout · 19/07/2007 17:39

I'm a step-parent and the argument that the house belongs to the parent and, by implication, not the step-parent becomes very wearing over time. We all know that teenagers (or even those a bit older) can bring little to the table. If money is tight too, then I don't think YABU. Being consulted is something that we all expect but curiously something that doesn't have to be done with step-parents, apparently

SpiderBaby · 19/07/2007 17:37

why do meals have to be so fussy?

anything on toast is fine for an unexpected visitor
or a jacket potato

Surfermum · 19/07/2007 17:36

She's not saying it's bad manners to go to his dad's house. I suspect she always makes him and his brother feel welcome, given that she hasn't said anything to anyone and has come on here to vent.

She's finding it irritating preparing meals each night, and then not having enough to go round because no-one bothered to tell her who would be sitting round the table. How on earth can she budget and plan? It's taking her for granted.

SpiderBaby · 19/07/2007 17:33

are your parents divorced mercy?

Mercy · 19/07/2007 17:32

Erm, it's not just his dad's house.

SpiderBaby · 19/07/2007 17:21

LOL DangerousBeans#

that is a very good point

prettybird · 19/07/2007 17:10

Worse - bad manners to turn up execting to be fed while knowing that a meal was bening made for you elsewhere.

Your dh is doing him no favours in not expalining that to him - he is just perpetuating this thoughtless behaviour.

Liked dangerousbeans' idea: if this is something they want to happen regualry, then make up a rota and they can help with the cooking. That is also being part of a family.

And his mother would prbably apprecaite it too, as then she would know when they were going to be around and whether or not she needed to cook for them.

DangerousBeans · 19/07/2007 17:09

But if he turns up every night, surely she must be expecting him?

SpiderBaby · 19/07/2007 17:08

what, even cheese on toast?

when I was younger I used to go to my grans and she used to feed me. i really think you must have odd homes

saltireslytherin · 19/07/2007 17:06

No bad manners to just turn up and expect to be fed. If dragon didn't know he was coming and cooked a meal for the family members who normally live in the house, then someone turns up expecting fed then that's bad manners.

SpiderBaby · 19/07/2007 17:06

no wonder so many divorced men have estranged relationships with their adult chjildren with attitudes like this

your child is your child for the rest of their life

SpiderBaby · 19/07/2007 17:05

bad manners to go to his dads house?

DangerousBeans · 19/07/2007 17:04

If he comes every night, start a rota so everyone gets a turn at shopping, cooking and clearing up after one meal a week.

I think he should be able to visit whenever he wants, but he's 20, and plenty able to pull his weight.

saltireslytherin · 19/07/2007 17:03

Yes it's his son, but if he just turns up with the lad, unexpectedly thats bad manners. it would be like someone's childs friend deciding they wanted to stay for tea. If I just tunred up at my mums uninvited then there would be no meal for me, I'd have to go the chippy - and thats my mum.