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To get miffed that DH invites DSS to tea every night?

157 replies

dragonstitcher · 18/07/2007 13:39

I don't say anything because it's not worth the battle, but it does piss me off. DSS is nearly 20yo, he finished college a couple of months ago and is going to Uni in Sept. He stays at home (his mums house) all day long watching TV or playing on the PS2 when he should be looking for a summer job and DH invites him to tea every night and picks him up on the way home from work, so that he doesn't have to feed himself. We are a low income family, I get child benefit and child Tax credit for my kids but not for stepsons and I find it hard to feed everyone on a limited budget. Not only that but stepsons mum complains that she is having to throw away food that isn't getting eaten. Sometimes she sends it over here so that it gets used.

A few times a week is reasonable, but every bloomin night isn't, I feel.

I understand that DH is trying to see as much of him before he goes to uni, so it makes me feel unreasonable for feeling this way. Roll on Sept. BTW nearly 18yo SS fends for himself on junk.

OP posts:
SaintGeorge · 19/07/2007 18:36

I mentioned my teenage experience but I think my DB's is more relevant.

He moved out when he was 17 because dad basically told him to get off his arse and get a job or move - so he moved. He started coming home for dinner once a week, then twice and it soon built up to nearly every night.

Dad told him to cough up some cash or pack it in. His own son, not his step-son mind. He did it because at 17 DB was taking advantage of our parents.

Dad's attitude did him the world of good and DB never once resented my parents or stopped loving them. Now he has a teenager of his own he is adamant that he will have the same attitude to his own children if they take advantage too.

Nothing to do with step parenting, just teaching your kids to grow up.

Surfermum · 19/07/2007 18:34

Well said beansprout.

greensleeves · 19/07/2007 18:31

No, I agree - I don't think the OP is one of the bad guys. She just wants a bit of consideration.

beansprout · 19/07/2007 18:30

Yeah, some are Greeny but not the ones cooking tea for their dskids every night and wondering about why they aren't being consulted!!

greensleeves · 19/07/2007 18:29

Well, not all, beansprout. Some are assholes

KerryMumbledore · 19/07/2007 18:28

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KerryMumbledore · 19/07/2007 18:27

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beansprout · 19/07/2007 18:27

I used to have a friend that was a step-parent and I gave her all sorts of advice on how to be perfect etc. When I became a step-parent myself I went and apologised for taking the moral high ground for all those years.

The role of a step-parent seems to be the only one where you are expected to be perfect in a way that no wife/daughter etc is. Impossible standards are set and it;s just not helpful. All step-parents are doing their best in often difficult circumstances.

Surfermum · 19/07/2007 18:26

She isn't going to say anything. She's stated that in her OP.

KerryMumbledore · 19/07/2007 18:26

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KerryMumbledore · 19/07/2007 18:24

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beansprout · 19/07/2007 18:23

Kerry - just out of interest, are you a step-parent?

SaintGeorge · 19/07/2007 18:23

I was contributing to the household budget and cooking my own meals at 17, let alone 19.

Didn't mean I wasn't part of the family, just that I had the sense to realise that money was tight. I was old enough to live away from home. so I saw it as only fair that I paid mum & dad instead of a landlord.

KerryMumbledore · 19/07/2007 18:14

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NAB3 · 19/07/2007 18:12

If he is bringing him for tea every night, and it has been going on for a while, then it is a regular extra mouth to feed that you should be able to plan for, and he shouldn't have to ask each night. It is his child. But I would ask your husband for more money towards the household budget.

greensleeves · 19/07/2007 18:11

SpiderBaby (((((((most uncharacteristic hug)))))) it is bloody hard. I usually steer clear of threads like this these days. Your stepmother sounds like a real piece of work.

filchthemildmanneredjanitor · 19/07/2007 18:10

why is the idea of a 20 year old paying his way??

He is an adult! he's not a child! once you have left education and are still at home you should give your mum some money towards your food and phone bills etc! especially if it's a household with a lowincome.

where's custy? she'll agree with me!

SpiderBaby · 19/07/2007 18:10

Incidentally no I dont anymore and my relationship with my father is also severed

EscapeFrom · 19/07/2007 18:09

Not acceptable to constantly have another mouth to feed without warning. I would be livid at being put to the extra work except.... I just wouldn't. I would tell my husband he is cooking.

KerryMumbledore · 19/07/2007 18:09

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SpiderBaby · 19/07/2007 18:08

I take your point greensleevs, you are right and i am wrong. It is bloody hard though when you have had such a shitty upbringing to try and detach from that and see that someone means a totally differne t thing

beansprout · 19/07/2007 18:07

Good point Eleusis.

greensleeves · 19/07/2007 18:06

I bet you didn't laugh at the time, what a mean person she must be. It' not nice feeling like an unwanted presence in your own family.

I don't really get that vibe from dragonstitcher's posts though, I think it's more the lack of consideration about arrangements, from her dh and the dss, that's winding her up.

KerryMumbledore · 19/07/2007 18:06

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DangerousBeans · 19/07/2007 18:06

I think the OP is away making dinner for her DSS.