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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To exect nearly 15 y/o DS's father to pay for him to go on a holiday HE invited him on?

41 replies

ShinyHarryPplHoldingPortkeys · 16/07/2007 18:59

This is the first time I've done a AIBU.. but I've got to know.. AM I?

X H and I have always maintained a good relationship for the sake of our DS, now nearly 15. We broke up when he was nearly 2 and DS and ex H have always had a good father/son relationship.

xH has booked holiday to Egypt for himself, his wife, their DS and, for the first time, invited OUR DS along. Because DS will be 16 by then (Aug 2008) he has to pay for him as an adult.

I am happy and pleased to DS to go. It will be great for him to travel because we are unlikely to ever be able to afford to take him abroad and also he has CF.. I want him to have exciting experiences like this as we can't take his good health for granted.

XH knows how we are fixed financially (living on disability benefits) but as he can be a bit thick-skinned about these things, when he mentioned money I told him that we were be unlikely to be able to contrinute much if any towards DS's share £800+) although we'd do our best to try and get his spending money together by next Aug. (xH suggested £200.)

Now, every time I speak to ExH he goes on about how "together we'll sort the money out" and when he has to make the next payment. And also, trying get DS jobs in which we can earn money to give to him to contribute towards the holiday.

This is starting to give me the hump. He has already got £300-odd of "DS's costs" from an account he has been putting into since DS was a baby and which I suggested he use if he wanted to.. but he has to keep going on about the additional £500+

I'm NOT a sponger.. (despite being a benefit claimaint) but is it unreasonable to think that if he invites HIS son to go on holiday with them, then he should be prepared to pay for him? They are not rolling in it, but they both work, have nice own home, two car family etc.. we are completely the opposite (and no I am not jealous, am happy for him!) But I don't WANT poor DS to have to work this year.. maybe NEXT year when he offically leaves school, in the holdiays between leaving and college.. and to give himthe experience of having some wages.. not to hand over to someone.

So far Ex H has suggested fruit picking (bloody hard work!) and Tescos (am pretty such they won't employ a 15 year old.. will check).. just so DS can earn this money to hand over! He does babysit for them sometimes.. I suggested that THAT could be a contribution to which he said "Well I'm hardly going to pay myself out of my own pocket am I?" completely missing the point that babysitters usually get paid!

DS is fit and well.. but he stays that way (so far!) via a complicated daily regime and 4 hours swimming training a week. I would like his summer holidays to BE holidays.. not work! He has had a gruelling first year of GCSE coursework as well.

Am I being unreasonable? I have just been narky with xH and he has sworn at me for first time in years.. I can foresee trouble. I think our "good realtionship for sake of DS" is important.. and I WANT DS to go to Egypt with them, and I WILL contribute what little we can afford, and encourage DS to save what little he has in pocket money/birthday money etc.. but should he really have to get a job to help fund "his portion" of their family holiday costs?

Please give me input!

OP posts:
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FeelingOld · 19/07/2007 10:00

XH should deffo pay.
My dd is on holiday in spain at the moment with my XH and no way would I have paid anything towards it, he invited her, he pays. When I take her on holiday I do not ask him for any money so don't expect him to ask me for any.
I have no problem with encouraging her to save some of her pocket money for spending money and I don't mind buying her a few new clothes cos she can then wear them when we go away (we only do camping in this country btw as my dh and I have 3 children between us and can't afford any other kind of holiday).
I have a step-son and we would never dream of asking his mum for any money towards our holiday either.

PippiLangstrump · 19/07/2007 09:21

yep he should pay! you're in teh right.

Judy1234 · 19/07/2007 09:15

Yes, if you invite someone you pay. I've invited the girls' boy friends on a few holidays. That was my invitation. I would not have expected to be paid. When one paid for the car hire at his offer I was very pleased but if you invite you pay, your treat.

casbie · 18/07/2007 16:41

kids can legally start work from 14.

i worked from 13 in my friends's shop!

but, that is quite beside the point. this chap is just plain rude.

fedupwasherwoman · 18/07/2007 16:40

You are most definately not being unreasonable.

Ds needs to know the value of money indeed !
Your circumstances suggest that he is only too well aware of the value of money and how hard it is to get hold of.

Your ex-h needs to know the value of a reliable and available babysitter and for that reason he should pay ds or they should keep a tally of the hours and an hourly rate so that they both know who is actually in credit.

To this end, I would suggest that ds finds that he is now unavailable for babysitting his stepbrother as he has found someone else who needs his babysitting services and is willing to pay say £5 an hour for them.

Could he get any work locally babysitting ?

fleacircus · 18/07/2007 16:28

I'm not even sure 15 year olds are legally allowed to take on formal employment, are they? Or if so, only within very specific limits. Anyway, has the man no manners? That's like inviting someone round for dinner and then presenting them with a bill for their share of the food.

witchandchips · 18/07/2007 16:14

YANBU

maisemor · 18/07/2007 16:03

Have the tickets already been bought and paid for by your hubby?

If yes, then there really aint much your x can say or do about it. Unless he wants to make very clear to his son that he has no respect or love for him (in my opinion).

casbie · 18/07/2007 09:01

it sounds as if your son is slowly realising what this trip would entail and if your ex pushes him to do what he doesn't - then teenager being what they are i reckone (sp?) he won't want to go.

everyone will save their pennies then.

i wouldn't worry for the moment, just wait it out and be there for your son and what HE wants.

good luck

: )

Judy1234 · 17/07/2007 17:56

My son's friends started work at supermarkets when they were 16, not 15. Lots of boys have paper rounds etc but your son has CF so that may stop him working as other children do.

He could try applying to places for grants may be. Egypt is quite an educational place. My daughter won a cruise trip down the Nile there when she was 9, learnt a lot.

But most of us pay for our children on holiday when they are with us which is presumably why their father has never taken any of our 5 on holiday since we divorced 4 years ago.

Original poster
ShinyHarryPplHoldingPortkeys · 17/07/2007 16:49

Hadn't thought of that one Casbie! I hope not!

DS has today told me that this money thing is "all he goes on about once he gets started" every weekend when he is with them now.

The reason he hasn't been with them before is possibly more to do with DS's medical needs than anything else so I can't complain about that. For instance when DS first started having daily nebulisers 3 years ago I didn't even let him stay overnight at his dads.. but now DS is old enough to be responsible for his own medication (when he wants to! ) so its not such a big issue.

I am half inclined to ring xH.. but think I'll wait until he mentions the money again himself.. or I see him when I drop DS off, or else there'll be a bigger confrontation.

OP posts:
casbie · 17/07/2007 13:49

poor boy...

i would ask the father to explain to his son, why he wants him to pay for a holiday trip.

don't get involved, i'm sure your son will suss it out.

as he's going to be 16, is your hubby expecting him to look after his other son while on hols, so he gets a 'free' babysitter?

  • i hope not!
MamaD · 17/07/2007 13:43

YANBU.

Not at all! We NEVER ask DSD's mum to help with paying for holidays. We want her to go with us, so we pay, simple.

We have asked her to make sure she has a bit of spending money (ie her pocket money) but never to help with the cost of going, and anything she needs while she is with us we take care of as well - even the spending money thing is more to persuade her that she doesn't NEED to buy the kinda crap she always wants (giant donkey from Spain anyone?) - when we tell her to buy it herself she always chooses not to!

Your ex dh is being a git - if he cant afford Egypt maybe he should have chosen somewhere closer to home.

Listmaker · 17/07/2007 13:31

YANBU. Your exh should definitely pay. We have never asked for anything when we take 3 sdds on holiday and their Mum (main wage earner as a GP) doesn't pay a penny in child support even. It would never occur to me that they should pay for a holiday we organise and take them on (the eldest is 17 and next one 15). If they want to go with mates then they can pay (well we might contribute something I suppose).

krispie · 17/07/2007 13:24

agree with surfermum. we would NEVER ask for a contribution to take dss on hols - and we take him with us every year! also suprised he's never been with them before...

helenhismadwife · 17/07/2007 13:12

YANBU definately no way!!!

sounds to me like you are the one who has 'maintained a good relationship for the sake of your DS'

you dont offer to take your child away then ask for the money for doing it cheeky sod, if he couldnt or didnt want to pay he should not have booked it or mentioned it, his beaviour is alredy making your ds uncomfortable and that is very unreasonable of him. if I take my children on holiday I pay, if their dad does he pays, if they want extra spending money then they can earn it, but we both give them some spending money we dont have a good relationship at all its just what we do.

Surfermum · 16/07/2007 21:16

We wouldn't dream of asking dsd's mum to pay anything towards dsd's holidays with us, or spending money, or any new clothes she needed. I must say I'm a little shocked that it's the first time he's been invited along with them too.

Bouncingturtle · 16/07/2007 21:15

Good luck, you tell him what for

Original poster
ShinyHarryPplHoldingPortkeys · 16/07/2007 21:05

Have no idea about his wife's opinion. She has a rather dim view of me I believe but I have no relationship with her whatsoever; never needed to have. She and DS get on ok which is all I care about.

I do imagine that xH is discussing all this with all my ex in-laws seeing as it was his sister (who is not the brightest spark it has to be said) who suggested he work at Tesco sweeping floors. (!) LOL.. it is Cinderella isn't it!!

I will not bring it up with him again. Next time he mentions it I am going to tell him straight that I am not going to have DS working to pay towards this holiday and that's that.. that it is his responsibility to pay for "DS's share" and that he shouldn't have asked him to come if he wasn't prepared to pay for him. I am not in the least scared to say these things.. I just didn't want bad feeling if at all possible.. I know all this is already making DS uncomfortable.

I'll tell him that too; that his father's obsession with "DS's costs" is taking all the pleasure out of it for DS.

May also ask him if he has taken his DS's "costs" out of his little savings account! Although that remark is sure to make him spit feathers!

Ah well..

OP posts:
Bouncingturtle · 16/07/2007 20:50

I think it is rather mean of your XH to offer to take him on holiday and then not pay for him, knowing your financial situation. Reminds me a bit of Cinderella (when she's told she can go to the ball if she has a dress, and the ugly stepsister then rip it to shreds), so no you are NBU. You need to be upfront with him. I'm sure the fact that your ds is working to earn some pin money does demonstrate he knows the value of money, but beinging only 15 his earnings potential is very limited.
Give yoUR XH a kick in the behind.
I know some posters have assumed (with apparently no evidence ) that his partner might be behind this. Do you suspect this is the case? If so, she too needs a kick up the backside, being a stepmum myself, I certainly don't begrudge paying for dss coming on holiday with us, in fact I take it for granted that we do! Just as his dm ummy pays for him on holidays she takes him on!

saadia · 16/07/2007 20:35

OMG, I've just read the OP. Ex-H should most definitely pay and if he couldn't afford it he should never have suggested it. He is paying for his other ds, your ds is too young to be expected to pay for himself. I am appalled.

2gorgeousboys · 16/07/2007 20:29

My stepson comes with us on holiday (when and if his Mum allows it!) and WE pay although we do knock some money off the child support payments my DH makes as we are feeding and clothing him for that time. It is simple if we can not afford for us ALL to go then we do not go!

teafortwoandtwofortea · 16/07/2007 20:25

He should pay - DLA is pittance. How on earth would you be able to afford it without severely limiting yourself financially in other ways like err, buying food?

Strange bloke.

Agree with poster below, is there a possibility this has more to do with his current partner than him?

SSSandy2 · 16/07/2007 20:24

he's a total idiot, why invite him in the first place if he wasn't going to pay? But he can pay for his other child (or is this going out of the dc's savings account or something?). And now all this crap pussy-footing about regarding where he could take a 100 from etc. Any savings I have put aside for dd incidentally are for her EDUCATION and they wouldn't go on paying for a holiday someone else invited her to.

Problem is you've been all fair and reasonable and made too many concessions (I think) already so now he's trying to get out of paying for anything at all.

How are you going to tackle it?

maisemor · 16/07/2007 20:18

The way I see it then it is quite simple.

Dad "invites" son on trip dad pays.
Mum "invites" son on trip mum pay.
Granny "invites" your son on a trip then granny pays.

Son asks to go on trip, then son pays.

If he is going to ask one son to pay to join him on this trip, then he has to do the same for the other son and the new wife.

There is absolutely no logic in what he is saying.

If he is going to withdraw the invitation because he is not going to get enough money out of his own son then make sure that he is going to tell your son himself and make sure that he is going to tell the truth.

He's a fool, a fool I tell you.

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