to ask dh to think again about maintenance payments for his daughter?

It's pretty clear that you resent your stepdaughter and are looking for reasons to hurt her. You've invented this idea about her not being at university any more with no evidence at all.

Whatever anyone thinks of a teenager who doesn't contact her father, messing around with the money your husband is happy to pay to his daughter is not the right thing to do, or a particuarly clever thing to do. Will rebound on you and your dh - and maybe your ds too, in terms of his future relationship with his big sister.

As for failure to contact, I didn't contact my family for my first term at university as I was just having too good a time and throwing myself into the experience. Needed to separate from them. Now realise how heartless I was, but at the time it was something I needed to do.

And divorce does have a life-long impact on children even after they are grown up. There might be all sorts of reasons why her relationship with your dh is troubled. I've patched up my relationship with my own father but it took years of work to get over the resentment about his messing around with maintenance while his second wife went on a spending spree.

If you persuade your husband to cut her off so your son can go to private school, you will cause lifelong hurt, potentially destroying relationships between the children and your husband.

Caroline, why is it irrelevant? CM and her dh might just as well be throwing their money down the drain for all they know of where it goes! And even if they knew exactly where it goes, CM has a valid case to want to enable her son the best possible education. It needn't be at the expense of dsd as she is probably more than able to survive perfectly well without the money. And to be fair, if she doesn't have the decency to maintain a relationship with "the hands that feed her" then, IMO, she doesn't even deserve it!

I think that rather assumes that she is doing the kind of course whereby she only has to be in college one day a week

And actually isn't really the point anyway.

Her father has made a commitment to support her in her education. If he reneges on that, that that will be a kick in the teeth. And yes, she may deserve it for being a stroppy cow who won't make contact with her father and brother, but is it worth potentially damaging any future relationship they may have for the sake of this money. That's the question.

Does it stop on the dot of 21 BTW, because she won't have finished her degree then...

Whether or not she has a job, wants a job, should get a job, or could get a job to pay for/part pay for Uni is wholly irrelevant to this thread.

well I wouldn't pay a child of mine £200 a month without a thank you

they would get a flea in their ear (message box or whatever) saying hellooooooooooooo, speak to me

it is rude

yes teenagers are busy, yes you are busy at uni, but manners are manners

does he have contact with his son, the 18 year old? can he speak to him about contacting his dd sis on his behalf

I had a student loan when I was at University, and various small jobs, shelving in the library, behind the bar in a pub. It is true that she can work to support herself.

But as Xenia says, you need to know your legal standing before you make any changes to the payments.

some degrees only have you in uni one day a week. she could work 5 days, study in evenings and go to uni one day. if she wants it badly enough. i think too many kids set off to uni being funded by their parents thinking its a holiday camp. which it is, cos parents let them carry on behaving like prats.

It would be quite reasonable to ask for evidence, a copy of the course tuition fees for example, that she is indeed in full time education. That is reasonable. Evidence first then a decision as to what to do about it - IF she is no longer in Uni. IMHO you absolutely do not withold payment just because the stepmum thinks enough is enough. Sorry but I think that would cause horrible damage..... you would be denying your DH the right to dance at his DD's wedding in a few years' time.

bozza - I am assuming that she is able to get a job.....I worked through uni to pay for my food / books / social life so kind of expect others to do it too.

I don't think anybody thinks it is a reasonable way for her to behave (although we don't know the circumstances obviously), but whether is it reasonable to cut off her financial support while she studies to either a) punish her for her unreasonable behaviour or b) provide more money for the education of her sibling, is debatable.

yes they do cm, it is possible it just means you cant have a car and you have to do some work rather than getting out of bed at noon and rolling straight into the nearest pub. and i know lots of people who went with financial support and ended up in debt, some without a degree cos they spent all their money on alcohol. i wont be paying for my kids to get liver failure

How old is your ds Clumsymum? it's only 18months until she is 21.

Yes they do. And they end up in a lot of debt. Which presumably your dh doesn't want for his daughter.

i cant believe so many people think its ok for her to behave like this. if it was my child and i had no idea how they were doing then yes i would stop giving them cash. fgs she could be spending it on heroin for all he knows, maybe thats why she hasnt contacted him. i would want to know my child was ok and if it was the only tool i had i would use it. the point is tho she isnt a child, she is a grown up who is acting like a child. if he is worried about being sued he can always put the oney aside and give it to her when he knows she is ok

There are countless possiblities as to why she might not want to be in touch with her father or her stepmother or her step sibling(s). Let us suppose that she has never recovered from her parents' marriage split and is wildly jealous of the new family? She clearly does not want to be in touch so I think you have to accept, even if you truly believe her behaviour is irrational. Unlike British peerages under Blair (apparently!) which are available as a cash transaction, there is no cash for access legislation and the fact that contact is not maintained by either party is not good reason to cease payment. If you are not in touch with her what leads you to assume that she is no longer at Uni?

waynettaslob| where do you get this idea that it is spending money from? What is she using to pay for books, accommodation, tuition, food etc. TBH I can't see £50/week going very far.

i had a baby and had lived away from my parents for over a year by her age, i didnt get maintenance off my parents and i would have felt very uncomfortable getting it. this is not a little girl, she is a grown adult who is old enough to take responsibility for her own life. if he has no reason to contact his ex then he can stop the payments and sod what she thinks, i think his daughter should have more respect for him and if she wants the cash then she should act appropriately. if i was him i would stop the payments until she has finished behaving like this.

unfortnately it is only him who can make the decision as she is his daughter. i would stay well out of it if i were you, but i wanted to let you know i think you are being totally reasonable in how you feel

its not the same, but my brother hardly ever phones home, my mum sees him very rarely despite living in the same town. he doesnt reply to texts or messages. and she gives him cash nearly every time she sees him, way more than me who she sees every week. i think it might be a guilt thing even tho she makes the effort - she cant look after him cos she doesnt see him so she gives him money instead.