to ask dh to think again about maintenance payments for his daughter?

Fio - it is set by the courts. My Dad had the choice of to 18 or when they leave full time education - he gambled on us leaving school at 16!! Both myself and my sister went to university so he had years extra to pay. With his next divorce settlement he made sure he went for the specified age!

and xenia is right (!) is it a legal binding thing until she is 21? IF NOT THEN THE ANSWER IS NO, HE DOESNT HAVE TO PAY oops

but if she hasn't seen her dad much in the last few years why would she keep in close contact?
I hadn't seen much of my Dad in the 10 years before Uni - a few hours twice a year maybe, so when I left home I felt under no obligation to remain in touch. University is fun, and due to the distant relationship I had with my Dad it would have been like keeping in touch with an Uncle a lot - not something that would have crossed my mind.

I would say though that now I see my Dad maybe 4 or 5 times a year and speak to him in between - so it does get better!

I have got to say I find paying maintenance for a child that age bizarre. I HAD to leave home at 17/18 and find a bloody job. My dad paid my mother maintenance until I was 16. that was the end. Whther it was right of him is another matter but this girl is 19 nearly 20 and clumsymum has other children to think of. I dont think she is being unreasonable at all

Perpetua, there is a big difference between tantrums and the actions of someone who has been emotionally damaged in some way.

If you can't see that then I'm gobsmacked quite frankly, and I hope that your attitude doesn't come back and bite you on the arse one day.

obi thats what i expect of my 6yo. however i am teaching him that is not the best way to behave and if he still has tantrums at 19 i will not be giving in to them. if she isnt grown up enough to look after herself she should not be away from home.

and its not irrelevant, it was in reply to another post. unless we are only meant to reply to op now

yes she may have issues, but ignoring her dad wont sort them out. she could at least write to him telling him why she wont get in touch. if nothing else it may improve the situation that she gets it off her chest. if she writes and says she is still at uni but wants no contact with him thats her choice and he cant stop payments for that, but not knowing must be killing him

anyway thats enough fun for one day, am off

hope you get this resolved some time soon cm

to give the other side of it - my Dad paid maintenance for me through all 4 years of my university life -because a court said he had to, and he had agreed to it.
I never contacted him while I was there, had no interest in doing so. He did call me once a year (2 in exceptional circumstances) but I suppose had no real idea of whether I had dropped out or not.

She'll be off for the summer now so maybe he should try again to contact her / her Mum. If she has left university then I suppose the money should come back to your dh - depending on the court order.

x posts obi, I agree with you too. She may be an angry young lady who is punishing her dad; and clumsy, no matter what sacrifices he has made to stay in the area and support her, I think to a young person damaged by the trauma of a family split, probably that's not enough, sadly. Nothing's enough, really, I guess.

She will in all likelihood process it though and come out the other side. All the more important to keep in touch; do not leave it to her and think she knows where she is if she needs her dad; he's the parent and the onus is on him.

I agree with Edam that there may be more complex issues at play here. She is a product of a split family and has a brother with obviously complex needs. It seems to me that there is scope there for her to have some difficulties or resentments about her family which may be not obvious to you clumsy.

From your posts it really seems as if she is avoiding contact and she obviously has reasons for that; you just don't know. They COULD be because she has screwed up t Uni or they could be more complex and family related.

I'd guess that as a 19 yr old who sounds as if she may be a little immature in terms of taking responsibility for herself, the money she receives from him is in NO way any sort of issue for her, as it obviously and understandably is for you. She just takes it as her entitlement obviously.

Which it is, in all probability. I think if this were me I would hunker down for the next 18 months and allow your DH to support her for that time without you making an issue of it.

19 is not 'grown up'. Young people are still very vulnerable at that age.

I can only go on what CM has posted, but at some point...before she was 11 her parents split up.

She has an older brother who is autistic (which much have difficult for the family as a whole to cope with) and her mother has made the situation difficult.

In addition to that she has had to cope with her father re-marrying and having a new family.

Now, many young people who have gone through that kind of scenario...no matter how well intentioned the adult parties are...will be angry, and that anger can carry on for a very long time.

She might be testing her father by not contacting him, so if he does withdraw support she can turn around and say 'ha! see, you don't really care about me'

i have to think how old i am some days

19 is an adult. i was a grown up at that age. should we have them all living at home til they are 30 so we can run round after them? ffs she is not a child. how utterly ridiculous. if she is not a grown woman she should not be living away from home.

I agree with the suggestion that he leave her a message (or even better send a letter recorded delivery ) saying he is stopping paying it to her mum and to get in touch to giv ehim her bank details.

I do think she should be a little bit grateful - lots of parents (my ILs included) stopped paying a penny when their children started university, and his parents were together. I'm a bit that court orders will force absent parents to pay, yet parents who are together are under no such obligation.

um, yes - if you kick something it gives it a knock. kick in the teeth - quote from flying machine. isnt that fairly obvious? or maybe she doesnt need any sense to get through life? naughty me thinking a GROWN WOMAN should have a bit of sense.

yourself.

She's 19 FFS, not a grown woman. And I bet the OP will still be supporting her son when he's 19...whether or not he is at uni.

well of course it does, im just saying most people at uni can support themselves if they want to, for some people it would be extremely easy. she does not need the financial support to continue studying. yes it would be a kick in the teeth. but maybe it would knock some sense into her. as long as clumsymum can say she would do it to her ds if he behaved the same way then she is entitled to feel the way she does about sd.

however it is irrelevant because as i said its got to be his decision.

its got my back up that people seem to think she is poor vulnerable child when she isnt. she is a grown woman taking the mickey. cm is justified in being angry with her. thats all my point is really, everyone was saying she was unreasonable, i wanted to post in support