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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to expect other parents to have ^some^ empathy? Long & Ranty

60 replies

LoveAngel · 07/07/2007 19:38

I'm usually quite a carefree person and don't let what other people think bother me massively, but today I feel like punching a wall (or some smug b*tch's face!) and need to know I'm not on my own...

My 2 and a half yr old is a bit different from most of his peers. He's very very tall (he looks about 4) and talks exceptionally well for his age - however, his height and speech both cause him some problems.
Firstly, people expect him to act in a more mature way because they mistake him for an older child.
Secondly, because of his height, he is quite clumsy and heavy-footed, and often bumps into people, pushes them out the way more roughly than I think he means to and can generally appear quite rough. He also has a very short attention span when he is in a busy place/crowd, which I put down to over-excitement, as he is capable of long periods of quite play and concentration at home; and he is an escape artist - let go of his hand for a second and he will run off extremely fast (a fit adult would struggle to catch him), which can obviously be very dangerous (not to mention frustrating!).

I don't see a problem with the way my son is. He is who he is, he is still practically a baby, and although we are introducing the idea of discipline into his little world, I refuse to label him as 'naughty' as I genuinely don't think he is. I think he is just very bright and enthusiastic and interested in the world, and not one to sit quietly and obey orders.

Without going into details here (long story) I am sick of the way some other parents stare / shake their heads / tut / whisper to each other and generally act in a disapproving, unsympathetic way towards me and my son.
I am a smiley, friendly person and my son is a sociable, lovely, funny little boy - yet we seem to provoke a really nasty reaction in some people. They think it is ok to look dispaproving or make snide comments and I have just about come to the end of my tether. What do I do for the best? I have worked very hard throughout my twenties to relax the confrontational, 'what the fuck are you looking at?" side of me and am now a very calm, rational person in my 30's - I don't want to be rude and rowdy - but what do you do when you have just HAD ENOUGH??

OP posts:
WigWamBam · 07/07/2007 20:15

Just console yourself with the fact that most small children go through phases where they push and shove ... so at some point it will be them getting the dirty looks because it's their children who are doing the shoving!

Original poster
LoveAngel · 07/07/2007 20:10

And he doesn't pick on small kids or anything like that...he is just quite unaware a lot of the time of his surroundings

OP posts:
Original poster
LoveAngel · 07/07/2007 20:09

Thanks for replies so far :-)

When he acts in a rough manner with other children I always respond in the same way - I apologise to the parent and child, make sure my son is aware (as much as a 2 yr old can be) that he has hurt another child and get him to say sorry and hopefully calm down and act in a more sensitive way. I am super sensitive to others around us, as I know how precious parents can be (although I am not precious at all, personally. My attitude is that kids will be kids - i never give dirty looks or tut if another toddler hits or pushes my child...I think that in itself is pretty childish behaviour...)

I must add - he does NOT hit other children or act in a violent or mean way, and when he is rough it usually only takes me to point out to him once how is behaviour isn't acceptable (e.g. don't push, watch where you are going etc) for him to take note (at least that time!).

OP posts:
Dabbles · 07/07/2007 20:03

practice starign at them very very angrily?

WigWamBam · 07/07/2007 19:57

Are the people who tut and look disapproving the parents of the children he's been rough with? Because people often do get disproportionately upset when their child is shoved around, particularly if their child is younger (or smaller) than the child doing the shoving.

I think that whether you're being unreasonable or not depends on how you respond when he pushes or is rough with other children. Do you apologise, do you ask him to be careful, do you accept that people may feel aggrieved that their child has been shoved, or do you ignore it because you know he didn't mean it?

lilolilmanchester · 07/07/2007 19:49

Have been there myself. There are lots of smug parents out there who look down their noses because of course they have "perfect" kids who never put a foot wrong and assume it's cos they've been perfect parents. WRONG! They just have been lucky and haven't had to deal with the same issues. Or some issues are more socially acceptable or easily hidden - even if just as serious and often more difficult to overcome longer term (wrote an example there but deleted it as bound to offend someone). All you can do I think, no matter how you are feeling, is to present yourself as supremely confident, smile and shrug your shoulders at them and focus on dealing with your DS. I know it's tough, believe me, but be SuperCool with those winding you up then come and let it all out on MN!

monicker · 07/07/2007 19:47

There was a phrase someone taught me, a mantra of calm to use in such situations...now what was it....oh yes:

"Bollock to it, fuck em"

I think you might find it quite cathartic.

Remember these are the people who believe they control their children.

dissle · 07/07/2007 19:45

Are you tempted to bring back the rowdy what the fuck 20 year old to deal with these twats?

Your boy sounds ace, you sound fab.
I agree that it is probably THE hardest thing to ignore or pretend not to see or hear them.

Your instinct is to protect your boy.

For me in a similar situation, i have to accept that not all of my friends have an understanding. Those friends have been dropped by mutual but unsaid consent.

I do not want negative people around me or my boy.

Strangers is a whole different ball game because you can choose not to let them affect or influence you in any way..they really dont matter at all, one bit, one little bit to you and your boy.

It is so so hard.

Twiglett · 07/07/2007 19:45

who exactly is he 'pushing out of the way roughly'? children or grown-ups

and are the disapproving parents the ones who's child is being pushed roughly out of the way?

TheArmadillo · 07/07/2007 19:40

Wish them many tantrumming toddlers, all at once. That's what I do.

I don't think there's anything you can do to stop them (and we've all come across them) but a feeling of superiority (yours) can often make you feel a bit better.