Page 2 | to not get fed up with dh constantly coming home from work late?

barney2 · 2007-07-05T16:24:24+00:00

....he leaves early (7am) and not home until late (gone 7pm) - he doesn't get paid any extra for the extra hours he does, he works extremely hard.....but I'm the one stuck at home with two kids, doing all the jobs around the house, work part-time too....I'm beginning to feel very relied upon and somewhat left on the shelf.

Original poster

barney2 · 07/07/2007 07:02

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barney2 · 06/07/2007 20:49

And had I stayed in full-time employment rather than give it up to become a SAHM I'd also be earning either the same or more than my DH and I can safely say it would make absolutely no difference as to who would pick the kids up/drop off at school - it takes two to make a baby therefore you must expect to divide the responsibility down the middle too....and I also wouldn't remind dh that I earnt more than him - it all goes in the same pot and pays the bills.

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barney2 · 06/07/2007 20:47

If my dh was home before 6pm I wouldn't have anything to moan about....but he's not, hence why I started this thread. I don't have a childminder - I can't afford one - I don't put my kids in full-time nursery - I can't afford to. I'm a part-time employed SAHM trying to make ends meet with a dh I rarely see who is also trying to make ends meet.

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PeachesMcLean · 06/07/2007 20:09

You are right Xenia about it being sexist. The bit I disagree with is how it's tolerated. First, I pick my arguments carefully. If I can't change something, I DO NOT get wound up about it (doesn't mean it's forgotten though). Second, I may have painted a slightly worse picture than reality. I'm paid only marginally more than DH (though as I work in the charity sector - notorious for its lower wages, and DH works for a major blue chip company, so I'm clearly worth more () So I do like to rub it in a little that I earn a tad more.

It's the employers who are sexist rather than DH. He's in a rather old fashioned culture (especially in this part of the country) and he's under pressure to do longer hours. I've started my job as I mean to go on and it's a forward thinking, family friendly environment. I will not work long hours as a matter of course on principle and I don't think it has damaged my career. We do do overtime for events and special projects, but the point is that it's not all the time. No one should work in a long hours culture and what concerns me more is the staff who comply to it, because they think it does them good, and therefore the managers just think all is rosey and the staff love their work so much they stay late.
Finally, to be fair to DH, I do work away sometimes and on those occasions DH has to get to work late and leave early in order to collect DS on time. He does accept that. So life's not so bad in the McLean household.

Judy1234 · 06/07/2007 19:42

Peaches that is so sexist. How could any woman tolerate it?
You earn more. Your job comes first therefore he collects from the child minder. That would be norm in most couples surely? Plenty of men rush home to let nannies off duty in London where their wives have proper careers or they alternate.
" PeachesMcLean on Thu 05-Jul-07 17:46:57
Tell me about it. It's not that my DH works hours quite as long as that, but he's rarely home before 6 (should be able to finish and be home by 5) It's that I have to finish work every day bang on the dot to get DS from the childminder. I don't that kind of flexibility but he can do what he likes.

And I'm paid more. Grrr.... So why does he think he's more important? "

Original poster

barney2 · 06/07/2007 19:41

No he doesn't work with the Forces now. He left the army 10 years ago after doing 12 years abroad - mainly Germany.

I also work during the week - whilst my youngest is at playgroup and the elder one at school. I work as a Carer looking after the terminally ill who want to stay in their own homes and keep their independence. I enjoy my job - it is rewarding and well paid and I like to be able to help.

Yes DH has the kids at weekends - he has to, I don't have anyone else to look after them who don't have kids themselves.

I know we're in a rut. I just don't know how to get out of it.

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FioFio · 06/07/2007 19:28

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Original poster

barney2 · 06/07/2007 19:01

No we can't take a salary drop. We've got a largish mortgage and various other debts that need to be paid. He is just such a push-over when it comes to work - he rarely says 'no' when being given another job which may cause him to be late home. I've not heard from him at all during today. I don't even know where he is - probably London. He knows I'm here and I know he'll ring eventually especially to speak to the kids before they go to bed. He's due home tomorrow and we'll be passing ships because I need to be out the door by 9am to go to work myself.

It's not a healthy relationship, I know that. I've been married to him for almost 14yrs. I just feel like he's becoming a stranger as each day passes.

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fillyjonk · 06/07/2007 16:58

barney-there ARE avenues he can use.

does he have a union or can he join one?

what they are doing IS pretty much illegal.

Can you really not take a salary drop? In a similar situation (me with unpredictably long hours, unpaid o/t, dp with predictably long, but 100% paid, hours), I gave up work. YES we are bloody skinter than before, esp since our mortgage was taken out with 2 f/t jobs in mind (prekids). but family life is a LOT better and really thats what matters.

I am also comfortable with going into debt to stay at home for the early years of my kids lives, though i have not had to really so far. but it is massively important to me, and its not to this government.

Original poster

barney2 · 06/07/2007 09:24

You're right filly. They've recently had guys resign and they've not been replaced due to making cut backs - they've a huge turnover but they're always trying to save money - but as a result they push the remaining engineers to their limit and expect them to travel miles to do one job.

He can't refuse a job - for fear of being disciplined but they will give him a job miles away from where he is at, say, 2pm and expect him to go there, which he does = late home in the evening. He can drive anything between 250-450 miles per day. Madness in my view.

Problem is is that dh is on such a good wage and if he were to leave he'd obviously get something similar using the experience he has and it'll pay even less money and probably similar hours - we can't afford for him to take a drop in pay - not atleast until I can get back to full-time work which won't be till dd2 is at school and even then I can only work between 9-3.

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fillyjonk · 06/07/2007 08:18

well theres you problem, barney, saying no

the company won't go into liquidation (and who cares really? engineers are very employable).

what about your marriage going into liquidation? seriously, i couldn't stay with dp if all we did was me staring at the tv while he worked.

its not noble to sacrifice your family because you don't like saying no. its spineless.

re the contracted hours, i don't see how this is an insurmoutable problem from the companies pov. they just don't want to pay more engineers.

BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 06/07/2007 08:10

What sort of work does he do ?

Original poster

barney2 · 06/07/2007 08:08

I agree if he has contracted hours he should only work those hours....but being a Field Service Engineer - ie driving up and down the country - he can't physically work within his paid hours - 8-5. He works well beyond those hours - he's gone by 7am and not home until gone 7pm and regularly away during the week overnight.

He'll be on his way home and be given a job which means having to turn around and travel back up the motorway he's just come down - he can say no, but he never does - I tell him the company won't go into liquidation if he refuses to go but being the loyal soft character he is he puts the company first, before seeing his kids and wife waiting for him at home.

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Original poster

barney2 · 06/07/2007 08:06

Kids are 8 and 3 and yes I have spent many an hour talking to him..... I'm not one to sit in the corner and let life just walk me by. I have tried to get him to change jobs - there's plenty more out there he could do - he's a very skilled man (ex-army) but he won't change and having just been promoted he wants to put all the hours in to prove to himself and others that he can do the work expected of him. I've told him money isn't everything - quality of life with your wife and kids is. His answer to this is 'we'll talk about it when we have more time'....and this never happens because....well....it never happens.

Before he knows it the kids will be grown up and will have flown the nest. He misses out on all the school activities - sports day etc. He doesn't see them until its too late in the day to hold any sensible conversation with them. He relies on me to tell him what they are up to at school with friends etc.

I look at him and think he's not the man I married all those years ago - he's got to look very old and withdrawn. I do worry about him and try to help/advise as much as I can but it's like talking to a brick wall.

In the meantime I just carry on with my work, being a full-time Mum and keeping the house going. Not the life I wanted but I seem to be left with.

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SauerKraut · 06/07/2007 07:58

We had to sort this out in our family and it came down to Dh changing jobs. He is an engineer too, although not the same sort as yours. He did and it's a lot better now. I realise this isn't a possibility for everyone, but perhaps it is something to discuss.

SauerKraut · 06/07/2007 07:52

Especially the men being unwilling to take a stand bit. They seem to lose all sense of perspective. The world will fall down if such and such isn't done by tonight.....

fillyjonk · 06/07/2007 07:50

barney, i don't think thats a good sustainable, situation for a marriage.

you are not seeing each other, basically. unsuprisingly thus he is not used to the household routine and you don't really like having him around.

am guessing that he doesn't see much of the kids.

you are not happy

think you need to have a serious talk with him re priorities. how old are the kids?

SauerKraut · 06/07/2007 07:50

Wot Fillyjonk said, ho yes. With a vengeance.

fillyjonk · 06/07/2007 07:47

"If all the managers worked their contracted hours most companies would find they would need to hire more to cover the work that wasn't been done"

well um

they SHOULD really hire more people then, shouldn't they? Its all part of family friendly working. If he has contracted hours he has a legal right to work only those hours.

I do feel a fair bit of this comes down to men being unwilling to take a stand and a resultant not-quite-so-fast promotion if they say "no, sorry, I need to go home and see my family". And yes that might mean being talked about. so bloody what? family should be more important. no one says, on their deathbed, "oh if only i'd worked harder, seen less of my family, and got that promotion to Drudge Level 2".

Women have to do this all the time. A lot of men also do it. dp is a pretty senior manager and he leaves on time and, since having kids, has ALWAYS put them first. It has affected his career to some extent, but not hugely-he might have been where is now, two years ago, if we hadn't had kids. small price to pay really.

Original poster

barney2 · 06/07/2007 07:27

Hiya all. Well I've not seen dh since yesterday morning....he left at 7am, did a day's work and a lot of driving and stayed at a colleague's place last night in readiness for being away again today and tonight - due home tomorrow. He has to be home by 9am for me to go to work.

He didn't ring last night because I told him not to - it doesn't help the kids if he rings because they get upset (the youngest being 3) - he texted instead.

I do worry about him - he always looks so tired and gets so tired he hasn't the energy to play with the kids. At bedtime he can barely stay awake to read them a story. Not much fun for the kids is it when they've hardly seen him?

A typical scenario is for him to spend the evening sat in front of his laptop doing his paperwork/expenses/reports etc etc and me sat with the remote control. Not much fun for me either but its become such a way of life for us - I then end up going to bed with a book and he takes over the remote control and that's the end of our day - me falling asleep and him crawling into bed during the early hours to get just a few hours sleep before he's up at half 5 and off again for another 12-15hr day.

When he has time off it takes him days to 'switch off' and I have to ask him to keep his mobile off otherwise it'll ring pretty much most of the day. The odd thing is is that when he is at home he gets under my feet and, I hate to say this, he gets in my way! It's as if I've become so used to him not being here I don't want him here. I'm talking in circles aren't I???!!!

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3littlefrogs · 05/07/2007 22:11

Dh still isn't home. He left at 7 am this morning. I have had 23 years of it. No prospect of it ever getting better until he retires - if he doesn't have a heart attack first.

clutteredup · 05/07/2007 21:48

I'm in the same situeation Barney - my DH works away 3 days and locally 2, is away at least one night a week, and mostly home too late for the DC either mostly due to work but also for work do's or last minute jollies , tonight a case in point. We have 3 DC , DD2 6 mo and still up often twice at night. DH tired at the weekends - due to busy job - we row regularly on Sat am - as I am knackered and feel he should be a bit more proactive at rhe weekend with the DC - ie not plonk them in front of the TV and read the paper in the morning.
Sorry your post not mine to complain, I won't go on - but just to say I do understand how you feel. I often feel better after a night out with the girls - booked in advance and written in red in his diary - we don't go out till 7.30 or 8 for same reasons. A night off once in a while does help - at least I feel I get soem time off too.

Bouncingturtle · 05/07/2007 21:47

Once your management you are expected to put in a certain amount of unpaid overtime. It is shit though. If all the managers worked their contracted hours most companies would find they would need to hire more to cover the work that wasn't been done. It is shit though and can totally understand your frustration. Both my DH and I are managers and we both woek long hours which we know will have to end once baby arrives. But it'll be tough!

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barney2 · 05/07/2007 21:38

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barney2 · 05/07/2007 20:01

I'm lucky - my dh doesn't go on about being the main provider financially but I think he forgets how lucky he is coming home to a meal on the table/in the oven and having all the jobs done at home covered, kids bathed and ready for bed, sarnies made for the following day etc etc....when I work weekends I'm lucky if I come home to a cup of tea!

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