what is a reasonable time for dh to get home?

It is a very hard situation though.
My dh had real trouble bonding with my our kids so I insisted he did bedtime.
Luckily he was home earlier enough to do it.
If he hadn't I'm not sure he would have bonded with them as well as he has done.
Sorry that's not a very helpful post... just trying to balance all the other posts saying at 4 months it doesn't matter if they don't put them to bed. This is just my poit of view though obviously.

Rabster - what hours did he do before you had the baby? Was working until 6 standard then, or has it only just started.

If it was the norm before then can't see why it would be different now. If dh is only now working later then I'd probably talk about it a bit more.

We live in commuter land and very few fathers are home before 7, unless they work from home. The plus side is that they don't usually work on the weekends so we make the most of them.

To be perfectly honest I think that at 4 months old he doens't really feel he's missing out on that much at the end of his working day. Perhaps when he's older (the baby that is!) and having a story read to him then dad can get home a couple of times a week to read to him and in an ideal world he'd be there every night to come and help tuck him in and kiss him goodnight.

Ot's not as if your DH is going from work to the pub every night. And perhaps he is trying harder at work in order to feel like the provider for his family, perhaps he finds that is in his head as he knows maybe that he's not so hands on witht he nappy changing? perhaps that's in the back of his mind? Or perhaps he's just extra busy right now and anrts to finish off at work so his head is clear of work stuff when he come shome to you?

My DP walks in as I shut the girls doors after putting them to bed every night. It's just the way it is.

rabster, I think 8.30 - 6 is probably pretty standard actually. I agree, it is a shame and there are an awful lot of dads out there who don't see alot of their kids during the week.

Your child is very young, it won't always feel so bad; when you have a school age child they may well have a bit longer together in the evening.

I'd use the weekends - make sure that your dh has some time with sole charge of ds. I think that's really, really important. He needs to have that sole charge to get fully involved IMO. some men see themselves as helpers, or babysitters, otherwise - not full and equal parents. I recommend sending them swimming - good quality bloke time

My dh drove me mental to have a 3rd baby, who is now almost 9 months old.

He has just got a new job in the city and leaves here at 7.30am and returns at 8pm. He has had 2 nights out in less than 2 weeks because it was expected and next week they are going to a team building thing for 2 weeks and staying in a five star hotel.

I am very fecking resentful as I am doing all the parenting, plus cleaning up after him to. Its like being a single parent.

Thanks, cod!

If he is only 4 months, I think you'll probably find his bedtime moves back as he gets older anyway and your dh will be home in time to see him more and help with bathing/bedtime.

If it's any consolation, I know my dh hated only seeing ds for half an hour in the morning when he was going to bed at 18:30. I am sure your dh would like to see more of your ds, although admittedly, they are still hard work at that age so I suppose he might be seeking refuge at the office! Only joking!!

I would also say that if you only have a 4 month old, he may not see it as 'family time' yet. My dh got much more involved with the children as they got older. He loved them as babies, and didn't like being away all the time, but now they are older, he is much more engaged, and looks to spend time with them, rather than just doing it because he knows it's what he should do.

I agree it is sad, but alas it's the way..

Gone are the days of the father being home at 5.30 on the dot (like my dad was)...

I am sure my DH would love to have lived like my dad did...

He would come home at lunch time (as we all did) for our main meal, then home at 5.30 on the dot for our tea..

Then he washed up, and went and read his book/paper...

Mum did the rest.... including looking afer/playing with us.

No, on second thoughts, think my DH would prefer it his way as even though he is home later (6.45) he still puts DD (3.6) to bed every night and is far more involved in her life..

So its quality for quantity that is important...

Same hours as my dh. I often envy other mums whose dh's get home earlier and can help with kids - worst time of the day! But I'm glad he has a job and am lucky that he doesn't have to work away. C'est la vie!

You need to sit down and explain this to DH. It is REALLY hard for him to understand, when he isn't responsible for that part of the day. I have dinner on the table and a clean house by 6pm EXACTLY. If he is late by 15 minutes then I am a wreck - we haven't started eating, the children are starving and whiny, the dinner if overcooked and cold, and I have finished my gin and tonic. DH doesn't really see that this is my idea of a CRISIS! Although he does text me detailed timings so I am fore-warned! Those end-of-day parts are REALLY hard to manage by yourself, and timing is crucial when baby/children are tired. Ten minutes of a crabby baby is hell.

Try to explain this to him and tie him down to CERTAIN DAY/S that he will DEFINITELY be home by x. time. The rest of the time, just take things slowly, maybe bring the bedtime routine early a bit (earlier dinner) so that you aren't rushing and you can have a quiet slow down period before bedtime.

TBH, i don't think you can do this. My dh finishes when he finishes. He worked away on a weekly basis from home when our ds was 4mo, and hated that so changed his job, but now he still works quite late at times, and is abroad a a couple of times a month. Many jobs are like this. Perhaps they shouldn't be, but he can't change that by himself.

Unless you think he is staying at work later than he needs to to avoid coming home. Which is a whole different issue.

Yes rabster, but it is because he needs to do those hours for his job to be done properly, in our case we'd be virtually penniless and homeless otherwise, so I don't mind! Mine even works a lot of weekends which can be a real pain but I know he's only doing it for us - he would rather be at home I know!
It's only the beginning and things will feel better once you get used to it.
Does he spend quality time with you at the weekends?

DH is often up and out of the door by 6am and regularly doesn't get home until 9.30pm. He often catches up on work at the weekends too.

He pays the mortgage and all the bills and earns enough for me to do only part time work, so I'm not complaining.

I did get worked up about it more when I was pregnant and post-natal, so I guess it is a hormonal thing.

My dh gets home when he gets home. He very often does not see the children in the evenings on weekdays. He does see them in the mornings but it's the usual hectic get 'em dressed, get 'em fed, get'em out for school thing so no real "quality time" there.
It doesn't really bother me or the children. I'm sure they would like to see him more often during the week but they accept he has to go to work. They have lots of daddy time at the weekend when I do expect him to be heavily involved.
Put the baby to bed when he needs to go. Having dad-time when he is screaming the place down isn't much fun for your dh or ds. Perhaps you could make a new family tradition whereby your dh takes the baby out on a Saturday morning for a couple of hours for some one on one while you get a break. Dh has always done this. It usually involves a cafe and a sticky bun for the kids but I don't care - they certainly don't!

rabster - I can't seem to find the bit where you have said that you nagg your husband !

I think it's completely normal to feel as you do but I also think it's completely normal for your husband to work the hours that he does. You may only have 1 baby but I certainly found going from 0-1 child the toughest transition.

Keep talking and as someone else has suggested maybe seeing if he could finish on time (or early) one night a week might be a compromise?

Perhaps the problem is your expectations? I.e. if you are expecting him back to see DS it is stressful when you aren't sure exactly what you should be doing - i.e. keeping him awake/winding him down.

Can you agree that, say, once a week DH will be home at a certain time (to do DS's bath and bed routine).

DH leaves the house fairly early but gets the children up so he has a 'quality' hour with them before work, while I am usually in bed sleeping off the night shift - then he wakes me up as he leaves.

Message withdrawn

BTW, how old is your ds?

Dh's official hours are similar and he does 09:00 to 18:15 most days and longer if necessary. Or he brings work home like last week when he was working until midnight twice. The up side is ds now goes to bed around 20h so dh sees him for about half an hour. I tend to pick ds up from nursery as my work are more understanding and I am better at getting in earlier in order to leave early. At the end of the day, jobs brings in the money which supports dc and so I think you just have to do whatever hours are necessary, provided there is a genuine need and you're not just face-showing...

mine is never home before 9.30pm. in all honesty i found it easier when my son was a baby to keep to my own routine without my dp.

you will get used to it, but i know it seems a pain