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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to hate visiting my partners mother??

88 replies

nellie75 · 05/07/2007 09:36

My partner is a serious mummys boy, (he's 36 by the way) on his day off he has to go and see her and his aunt and expects me to go so we can take the children, my youngest who is eighteen weeks old is very clingy and doesn't seem to like being held by them that much and usually screams the house down - there response babies should cry and they won't give her back to me to settle her down!! All she actually wants is mummy or daddy but my partner seems to think that what his mother says is gospel, i find this really hard to deal with and very upsetting, it doesn't help that i am suffering with post natal depression and all he says to that is that it is in my head! We have to go for the day tomorrow and i really don't want to but can't see any way out of it, he has told me in the past that if i don't want to go he'll go with the baby but i don't want to be away from her for a whole day knowing that 90% of the time she will only settle with me. His opinion is that i am being unreasonable, am i???

OP posts:
ConnorTraceptive · 05/07/2007 11:05

in that case take his mum aside and ask her very nicely if your mum can join you on christmas day a s you feel it is so important for grandparents to share the day and you would hate to either side to miss out

Original poster
nellie75 · 05/07/2007 11:03

mm and any of you any ideas for christmas i honestly thought i was offering a good compromise all of us together.

OP posts:
smallwhitecat · 05/07/2007 11:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ConnorTraceptive · 05/07/2007 11:00

tell him "of course it's in my head it's a mental illness you moron"

deffo go to doctors there are so many different types of ad's so you can try something else that will hopefully suit you.

muppetgirl · 05/07/2007 10:57

This sounds like there is much more to the past that has begun to influence the present...
I had pnd and a history with my mil, she did interfere, booking ds into a sleep clinic in Manchester (we lived in Hungerford!!!) without asking me, constantly phoning to tell me she missed dg and often started crying...

I admit I was clouded partly by what had happened in the past but also I wasn't on ad and I now know this did cloud my judgement. I too hate going to stay and, in fact, dh has to go 'up north' this weekend and I asked if he would like to take our ds -now 3- with him, stay the night and come back the next day. I'm not going as I would find it too stressful (especially as she disagrees with how we chose to discipline our ds in front of us, 'Don't give him that fork....isn't daddy stupid?'
as this seems the only comprimise that keeps us all calm.

I have chosen to stay at home and have phoned her to say I'm too tired and need a night to myself (I'm 22 weeks pg) this, I feel is a fair comprimise, I don't get as stressed, they see dg and dh seems happy.

I know you don't want to leave your dc with your mil -but you will with your mum....so it's not about leaving your dc. Suggest a half day (as was suggested) as you then don't have to listen to criticism about your parenting, your dh is happy seeing his mother and you get some rest.

Re the ad -I was on 3 before I found the one that worked for me, Don't be afraid to go back to your doctor if they don't do what you want them to.

Original poster
nellie75 · 05/07/2007 10:56

Yes she has always been like that with him and vice versa but i honestly thought he would change when we had amelia, however if anything they have got worse, i do love him but i can't see how this relationship can last. Christmas will be a nightmare he won't consider spending christmas day antwhere other than at his mums, i always have lunch with my mum as she is all alone, as a compromise i spoke to my mum and offered for all of them to eat at my mums all together, i was told no way and he would be going to his mums with amelia and would leave the rest of us with my mum, for her very first christmas - NOT A CHANCE!!

OP posts:
HonoriaGlossop · 05/07/2007 10:50

Has it been like this ever since you got together with this man? She sounds awful.

Original poster
nellie75 · 05/07/2007 10:39

Ok but if i add into that the fact that he wants us all to live together, thats his aunt as well as his mum as they live together now i think i'd rather shoot myself, she always puts me down in front of my other half and makes out i am a bad mother, (i may not be perfect but i'm not a bad mother) she doesn't agree with one single thing that i say and when he rings her every morning from home she lays the guilt trip on him cos all she wants is him to move in there with her.

OP posts:
HonoriaGlossop · 05/07/2007 10:35

nellie, I agree it's worth going to the doctors about the pnd. You may be able to get an AD that suits you better and helps you.

I sympathise with the thing of his mum taking the baby even when she's crying; my MIL used to do this and I HATED it. Looking back, I think she was thinking that she was being helpful trying to settle the baby 'for me' and also I think it was her way of trying to create a bond with her new grandchild. However, that said I still personally would always offer a crying baby back to mum. You need to deal with this assertively - simply follow her and loudly say "I can't bear it - I'll take her". You're not saying anything against MIL, just that YOU can't bear it. And that's fine, you are a mum!

I also think it's nice that your dp wants to see his mum regularly. Will you like it if your ds comes to you once a week when he has his own children? I know I would!

Also, I would love it if my ds had great respect for what I said etc, as your dp does with his mum. Of course he needs to respect you just as much; I think you need to play it really carefully. My SIL had this - her dh is very protective of his mum and wouldn't hear a word against her. I think you need to word things very carefully with him, and don't overtly be too critical because it sounds as if that will alienate him. If she makes you feel bad then phrase it "I'm sure this was the LAST thing your mum wanted, but I felt....."etc etc.

Perhaps cut the time a bit, if you feel it's too long a day?

Original poster
nellie75 · 05/07/2007 10:21

I have two others a girl aged ten and a boy just about to turn five, these were with my ex husband so the baby is my partners first, no i haven't been to the doctors and yes i know i should i just also know that i was like a zombie last time i was on anti depressents. Maybe i am clinging to her rather than the other way round but i just don't trust him with her, he's totally clueless, gave her a packet of chewing gum, the little tablet form to rattle and the box was open!!! And i will happily leave her with my mum for an hour or so which surely means i can't be that clingy???

OP posts:
jeremyvile · 05/07/2007 10:12

Yanbu.

Go to Docs re PND.

Try to visit his family, but remember you and you alone are that babys mother - do not be bullied.

HomeintheSun · 05/07/2007 10:09

No you're not being unreasonable and don't let him convince you other wise, have you seen the Dr for your PND? If you let your partners Mum hold her and she becomes upset could you pretend that she needs a nappy change to get her back that way, then take her into a different room to "change her" and you can settle her then. Partners/husbands don't really understand how it feels inside when you can hear your baby cry and just want to comfort them and give reasurance.

krispiecakes · 05/07/2007 10:06

i can see both points of view. the pnd will be clouding your judgment on certain things ( i too was a sufferer)including the fact that your baby will only settle with you or your partner. A side effect of my depression was that I became paranoid that my baby only wanted me and I was the only one who could handle him, its only with hindsight that I realise that I was clinging to the baby ? not the other way round.

maybe it would be good for you to allow your partner to take the baby for the day (or you could compromise and he goes for half day?) you get a break and you dont have to deal with the stress of being there. Im sure the baby will be absolutely fine.
Are you getting any treatment for the depression? A lot of men struggle to understand depression, it helped me to take my dh to the doctors with me so he got some information about how to help.

Hope things work out for you. Have you any other children?