to hate visiting my partners mother??

surley if the ftaher doesn't see his child very often on his precious days off he would want to spend time with the baby and his partner

oooh my mistake he would rather spend the time at his mum's and listen to her putting his partner down whilst the baby screams for his/her mummy because his mum obv want to make some sort of point

also if she doesn't want to go he will take the baby on his own? what about spending time togethe maybe dad should spend some alone time with baby before his mother forces herself on him/her

no i don't think it's the same thing.this is not child abuse.this is a father wanting to take his child to his mothers for the day.he would like you to come but as you say you do not like it and would rather not go,that's fine that is your decision.but then what?because you have decided what is best for the child the father has no say in this?so now you are the sole decision maker with regards to parenting issues and this stranger has no rights?i don't mean to sound insulting when i ask this (honestly i amn just wondering) but is this more about you not wanting to be away from the child rather than what is good for the child, to me it sounds selfish? if as you say the father is a stranger surely this would be a good bonding exercise then for father and child to have daddy take care of her for the day and be involved.as you say he often doesn't see her for days on end and now you want to stop him being alone with his own child and seeing her during his day off.what would your reaction be if he refused to allow you to bring the child to your parents or anywhereelse as he didn't think the child would be happy with you?

"i think amen just likes being controversal for the sake of it. noticed lot on other threads too."

no i am male. i think it only seems that i am trying to be controversial because alot of the threads on this site are quite long so i only post on ones where i have an oppossing view to the general consensus and would enjoy a debate.the reasons i tend not to post on threads where i agree with the general view is because i don't think another reply just aggreeing with the sentiment would lend anything to the thread hwere as a different point of view or perspective can lead to a debate and maybe exchange of information which in my opinion improves the thread.

the fact that you just described the father of your child who wants to be actively involved as a stranger tells me all i need to know about wether or not you are being unreasonable.

"Amen, I honestly don't think it is unreasonable for the mothers of very young babies to object to people who demand to take the baby away in a 'sod off, if you don't obey me I will bloody well take the baby and go and do what I want' manner. I think it's downright wrong of anyone to take an infant away from his/her mother without the mother's approval, tbh."

and your concern for the father in this is where? this is not some stranger taking the baby and sodding off for weeks on end.
this is the father wanting to take the child to his mothers for the day.
he wants his wife and her children to come along aswell but if she refuses to come what should he do?just accept it? surely the mother is now doing exactly what you just condemned and having an attitude of "obey me it is more my child than yours and if you don't like it tough i'll do what i want".

i think amen just likes being controversal for the sake of it. noticed lot on other threads too.

Amen, I honestly don't think it is unreasonable for the mothers of very young babies to object to people who demand to take the baby away in a 'sod off, if you don't obey me I will bloody well take the baby and go and do what I want' manner. I think it's downright wrong of anyone to take an infant away from his/her mother without the mother's approval, tbh.

The OP's partner works very long hours IIRC so the baby probably doesn't know him that well and is likedly to be stressed and distressed if her mother just disappears (from the baby's POV).

YANBU. Your MIL sounds like a bit of a bully tbh and your dh too.

If he 'doesn't believe in PND' (how many medical qualifications does he have, exactly?) then maybe it would be worth taking him to the docs, too. Or at least asking him if he could come with you. (Obv. not if that would stop you talking honestly with the doctor. Maybe ask the doc if you could have a second appointment with your partner?)

Think you need a long chat with him. Or maybe write him a letter - sometimes it's easier to put things in writing. Or just write a letter saying all the things you would really, really like to say and then burn it - so you don't get dragged into a row but do get these feelings off your chest.

If I were you, I would tell him that while you are pleased he is close to his mother, you are now a family and at the moment, the two of you and your lovely dd need to come first. He's all grown up and needs to realise he's not a mummy's boy any more.

Explain that while you would like your dd to be close to her grandmother, criticism of your parenting, demands to see the baby so often it is interfering in your family life, demands to see the baby without you and refusal to give your baby to you when she is crying are out of line and that if she wants to see her grandchild, she has to recognise that you are her mother and respect your wishes. Your baby is not a possession and you are not a brood mare who can be sidelined once she's reproduced!

yanbu i think it is good for your mil to see the baby and also for your partner but you donlt have to go every week

we had this prob too although dh was a lot more supportive, his mum would insist on us getting taxi to her house every weekend (this cost us £30 altogther)and we would have to spend the whole day there she would sit and smoke all day even though i repeatedly asked her not to around the kids on the end we stopped going altogether because of this and now she visits us every other week

can't you say to your partner that you would just like to spend a day just with him and the baby?

i think you are being unreasonable.you don't want to let the grandmother see the child and as far as your husband will be concerned (wether your intention or not) you don't trust him to mind the baby alone.

good girl. If you do go back on the ad's make sure you see your doctor every two weeks for the first couple of months so you can get the dose tweaked or change the ad's if they aren't suiting you.

there's numerous different issues here. relationships are rarely likely to change for the better after having children, there's just more pressure and resentment than before. The PND wont be helping because you can only see your point of view, it does make you feel as if everyone and everything is against you.
Get help for the depression and maybe some relationship councelling will help your partner understand how difficult you find his/your relationship with his mum.
As for christmas, its more than fair that you all spend it together, including your mum. Compromises are rarely reached with screaming arguments though - you need to explain calmly why it would be beneficial for everyone to all be together.
I think christmas is an issue for almost everyone though - youre not on your own there!!

It sounds to me like you've got an awful lot of communicating to do with this man! To not believe that PND even exists???

you have had his baby and you deserve more support than that!

From reading all your posts though I think his behaviours and thought patterns are really in-grained. I just think you will get nowhere with him by getting angry or issuing ultimatums, it will just get worse - you unfortunately need to be educating him as to what's required in an adult relationship!

If this were me I'd have a plan to do two things; get to the dr and see if you can be helped with AD's and or counselling; and set yourself a time limit, say six months or whatever you're comfortable with, to discuss all these issues with him and see some positive changes. Tell him you are not happy with things as they are and that you want things to improve over the next six months, and go from there.

I do wish you lots of luck - do go to the dr! I'm sure you could be feeling better than you are.

you really do need to work on the pnd hon before dealing with all these issues, my judgement was so clouded when i had it I saw situations that weren't really there

oh, and agree - invite everyone to yours for christmas if you can.

Also, might be worth not fighting battles that aren't actually in your face yet - plenty of time till christmas

Well, this isn't your fault; but you cannot be surprised or shocked that you are having to deal with this issue. You have had a child with him knowing these issues were present, so have put yourself in the position of needing to deal with this.

I think you need to be making it clear that he needs to make you feel valued as his partner just as he obviously does his mum. Letting her put you down in front of him - tell him you won't accept that any longer. But I don't think from what you've said that he is going to change his close family relationships.

You are very unlikely to get anywhere with him by forcing a 'me or her' situation. I think you need to be a bit cleverer than that with this sort of situation.

What is it you love about him? Is he a good dad?