To not want to move to dh’s hometown?

There’s quite a big gap between ‘London’ and ‘Harpenden’.

Would you consider maybe moving to a smaller city like Bristol, Exeter or Bath? They might suit you better than a small town.

Bear in mind that it's not uncommon for men who are insistent about moving house once the first DC comes to be, basically, abusers-in-waiting.

I cannot imagine bringing my kids up in London, too polluted, too crowded and far too expensive. We can jump on a train and in an hour access the "delights" of London without the downsides of living their

Opposite to @hettie, I left Bristol with my partner to move to a city 3 hours away, for him. I left my family, friends and everything I knew in Bristol and am now hating life where we live now and would do anything to move back.

I know a few people who’ve moved to Harpenden and it has suited them well. However, there appear to be quite a few black holes to get admission to primary and secondary schools and there is a lot of anxiety about getting a place. Perhaps this is unsurprising in a town that people often move to when they want to have large families - lots of siblings getting priority.

I know that at least one of the secondary schools gives priority to churchgoers so to get in, children need to be christened, you need a letter from the vicar to say you’ve been at least every other weekend for a number of years and you still need to live really close. However I don’t know about the other secondary schools there.

YANBU in wanting to stay in London. He is NBU in wanting to leave London.

Meh, is he trying to relive his childhood? Will it involve 2.4 children, a Volvo, semi-detached, a labrador and a minor public school ....if not then it has to be a joint decision, Wyatt do you both want fur your lives? Fwiw I used to get cold sweats about leaving zone two....we now live in Bristol. We have more space and quick access to the coast and hills plus bristol is ace. Friends with kids who stayed in London live quite a local life, their social and other activities confined to the local area so not really making use of "London".....

Other thing I should have said...

In wanting to move to his hometown, DH I think had a bit of a fantasy of "re-doing" his childhood for our DC, but with more of the "good" stuff like visiting places he enjoyed as a kid, and less of the "bad" stuff like real, boring daily life. Of course, real, boring daily life is the living, boring reality. And the fun kid-friendly places, well, we could have experienced (and did!) them whenever we visited the PiLs in the hometown anyway - we didn't need to move here.

So I second the other posters speculating that this has been triggered by nostalgia and a fantasy of "re-doing" his own childhood, but better IYSWIM.

YANBU

He can't just spring this on you.

If you can afford to stay in London, stay in London. He may well just be going through a new parent phase of nostalgia for his own childhood and feeling that his child should be raised in the same way, same place etc.

Anywhere that is still pushing the Keep Calm And... nonsense should be regarded with deep suspicion.

Don't do it.

My OH tried to get me to move to his hometown from London. Told him to bog off and I was not interested. I had moved to London years before and loved it. We are still in London 19yrs later

I can’t think of anything worse than moving out of London for either of our dullsville home towns

I think if you're the one at home with a baby (massive assumption that you are) then you get to choose for the moment. Can you say you'll think about it in a couple of years but for now you'd prefer to stay (as you'd agreed together to stay).

I think the general public is unaware, amanduh, of what happens day to day, even in middle class mostly white towns. I’m not trying to scaremonger, it’s all publically available anyway.

Multiple murders every night? In London? I believe there were 122 last year, highest for almost 10 years, I think.

Lol. No I’m not ‘kidding.’ A few incidents in a quiet herts town is NOTHING compared to multiple murders every night!! It is absolutely no where NEAR comparable. 3 WHOLE gangs?! There are 33,000 where we lived previously 🙄

I lived in Harpenden until our DD was 4. I loved it. It is not stuck up, posh or pretentious as some people make it out to be. The commute to Londen is easy, it's brilliant for kids and I have made some lifelong friends whom I met when I had our DD. Can't fault it.

It’s Harpenden, isn’t it? That has to be Harpenden.

Pmsl, @Peeltheavocado, my first thought!

@amanduh you’re kidding, right? There are at least 3 gangs known to be operating ‘county lines’ (drug running using vulnerable kids) in St Albans. Charming story about the stabbing in Veruliam Park last year, the teen was just sentenced, I think. People I know living there won’t go down the Alban way due to so many muggings recently. London without the trouble? And the museums/culture too. Yes, it’s not far to London, but you could say that about multiple commuter towns around the M25.

(That was for the harpenden vs london people.. if it’s much further in to herts than 20/30 mins op I agree with you!)

Tbf i’m from st albans and there’s not much better I can think of than living here vs london! I LOVE london, i think it’s the most amazing place in the WORLD, but it’s 20 mins away to central on the fast train and ten to fifteen minutes drive or train to the outskirts. Yes it’s expensive and a lot of it is quite white middle class, but it’s clean, safe, much MUCH cheaper than where we were in london, and schools are great. It’s london without the trouble!

Peeltheavocado I thought the same!

YANBU.

I wonder how he'd react if you suggested moving to your home town or close to your family?

I think it depends where in Hertfordshire. We live in Herts and we do have the best of both worlds because we're close enough to London to get there in 30 minutes but far enough out to be able to afford a decent sized house and, yes, fresh air and countryside.

There are definitely some areas of the county I wouldn't live in for love nor money though.

I think, broadly speaking, you do need to consider a move because to write it off entirely when your DH is so desperate to move may drive a wedge between you.

Whatever you do, don’t move. I made this exact same mistake, but in Kent, not Herts. Regret it every day.

Priorities change when baby arrives so it is no surprise one of you now feels there are other considerations now, you can't hold him to a discussion before the baby came.

However, having a discussion and moving are two very different things. There may be a middle ground. Not London but not his hometown perhaps? There might be somewhere that gives the factors he considers important but also covers yours?

YANBU for wanting to stay in London though.