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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for being upset that my baby was being looked after by sis with special needs?

91 replies

allthegearnoidea · 04/07/2007 22:47

Really hope it's not too late and there are enough enthusiastic people to give me some input on this, it's tearing me up!

Here goes...
Left my LO 19 weeks old with my mum for a night, and 2 full days as i went on a girly weekend away, first time in a year and a half, first time away from baby.

I phoned to check on him mum said he was with 'mary poppins', referring to my sister with special needs, she is 42 with cognition of 3-4 yr old.

She told me that at some point she had left the room and come back and LO had a pillow on his face and sis was laughing cos he was covered up. When i went ape shit, she told i was being too heavy, that the pillow couldn't get flat to his face and that he was fine!

my point was that sis doesn't have understanding of baby being in trouble or what is/ isn't dangerous, why the hell was mum leaving them together on their own? my mum was telling this as a funny story and didn't see why i was upset as all is ok.

she is supposed to be having LO one day a week when i go back to work, now too scared. am i being over the top? mum has made me feel guilty getting upset about it and now isn't talking to me, what do i do?

any opinions?

OP posts:
superchoccycake · 04/07/2007 23:18

playpens are wonderful things in situations like this.

dd3 soent a lot of time in playpen due to dd2 twirling and clumseyness.

LyraB · 04/07/2007 23:18

She could take the baby with her.

superchoccycake · 04/07/2007 23:18

lyrab. what if the mum needs a wee, should she only go at scheduled times so as not to leave sis and baby toghether??

gess · 04/07/2007 23:17

BTW I found a playpen worked well as a safe place. DS1 would jump in occasionally, but it generally separated him plus baby allowing me to go out of the room without too many heeby jeebies.

superchoccycake · 04/07/2007 23:17

agree with gess.

LyraB · 04/07/2007 23:17

I didn't leave mine alone together for a second when DS2 was tiny because DS1 was aggressive towards him because he was jealous. But that was difficult.
What I'm saying is this isn't the same thing. The sister isn't looked after in the same way and toddler is.
And a toddler is in the house all day, while the sister in question isn't, so there should be no need for them to be left alone together.

gess · 04/07/2007 23:15

Fine if it's not safe, pay for childcare; that's your judegment, but don't ask your mum to do the impossible (ie look after baby plus learning disabled adult at the same time- never leaving them alone ever- it is simply not possible).

gess · 04/07/2007 23:13

Unless you are physically strong enough to strap the baby in a sling you cannot have 2 people in the same house and ensure they never meet. It is simply not possible. Which is why when I had children with LD's visiting who I felt weren't safe with ds2 or ds3 they went straight into a sling.

MTS is right though- generally you need to watch a LD adult in the same way that you watch a toddler (unless the adult is particularly aggressive towards babies) - do those of you with a toddler plus baby never leave them alone in the same room, even for a second?

Original poster
allthegearnoidea · 04/07/2007 23:13

gess, maybe i haven't explaines well, sis does jobs etc around the house and is not looked after by my mum, she lives there as i did when i was till at home, she gets cooked for etc but otherwise sorts herself out. my mum wanted to have LO when i went back to work, i have never asked her or expected anymore than she has offered. my mumleft instructions with sis to look afer my baby for a few mins, which is why she was on the sofa with him, and why the cushion fell on to his face. my sis would never intentionally hurt him, but has no understanding of what is abd for a baby, she would only call for help if baby crying IYSWIM

OP posts:
mamazon · 04/07/2007 23:12

it is very difficult to say that she cannot leave them both alone in a room together.

if you take your sisters age away and treat her as if she was a 3-4 year old...as you say this is her developmentle age.. you would be very hard pushed to find a mother of two children these ages who never leaves the room.

your sister needs explaining to that he is a baby and you have to be carefull, in exactly the same way you would a small child.

if you are as concerned as you sound then yes i think you should look for alternative childcare.

LyraB · 04/07/2007 23:11

No i don't but then neither do you of the OP's sister. You don't know what she is/isn't capable of.

mummytosteven · 04/07/2007 23:11

yes gess that would have been particularly puzzling since i was agreeing with you

edam · 04/07/2007 23:10

Someone whose 'cognition is 3-4yr old in terms of 'stranger danger', empathy, cause-consequence etc.' should not be left alone with a baby, for both their sakes. Not fair for your mother to put your sister in that position.

gess · 04/07/2007 23:10

oh that was to lyra- not MTS

LyraB · 04/07/2007 23:10

Also, maybe the sister doesn't actually need looking after as such. OP said she was living independently at home, which suggests she can take care of herself in most things.

gess · 04/07/2007 23:10

I take it from that you have zero experience.

mummytosteven · 04/07/2007 23:10

or even a very small NT person who is too little not to "experiment" with a baby? of course an adult is physically stronger etc so more of a worry that way, but same principles applies - that people do need to have a drink/go to the loo etc.

LyraB · 04/07/2007 23:09

OP said the sister was out for most of the day. surely the grandmother could do what she needs to do alone during that time, and supervise them both when the sister is at home.

gess · 04/07/2007 23:07

All the people who say 'she must never leave her alone with her again". How????? Have you ever looked after a large person with leanring difficulties plus baby? How do you never leave them alone?

debgronow · 04/07/2007 23:07

Does your sister have a social worker or support worker you could talk to confidentially and express your concerns to. If they agree that your sister does not have the capacity to understand the risks of behaviour to a small baby then could they explain this to your mum in a way that wont upset her.

Whooosh · 04/07/2007 23:06

I really feel for you-families are as much of a curse to some of us as a blessing to others

Go with you rinstincts-it is your baby and you who will worry/suffer.If you Mumisn't big enough to deal with it then tough-you and LO aremore important.

LyraB · 04/07/2007 23:05

I would not leave the baby with your mum unless you're 100% sure she will never leave your sister alone with her again. It's not worth the risk. Can you work one less day?

gess · 04/07/2007 23:05

So it's up to you to decide whether she's safe to be left alone for short periods (I assume your mum was in the house? If not then that is a bit worrying).

I can leave my 8 year old with severe LD's alone with baby's as he's not interested in baby's, I can't leave my firend's dd as she was interested. I used to strap ds2 or ds3 to me (sling) when visiting, but probably unfair to expect a 62 year old to do that!

gess · 04/07/2007 23:03

I don't think you're being that fair with that really. No-one can look after a baby plus someone with learning difficulties alone without leaving them alone at some time. It's just not possible. It's your judegment call as to whether that is safe or not.

Original poster
allthegearnoidea · 04/07/2007 23:03

sis doesn't require looking after, she lives with my mum independantly and is out for most of the day at various clubs etc, meant that cognition is 3-4yr old in terms of 'stranger danger', empathy, cause-consequence etc, she is on the surface a well fuctioning adult if that makes sense.

OP posts: