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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for being upset that my baby was being looked after by sis with special needs?

91 replies

allthegearnoidea · 04/07/2007 22:47

Really hope it's not too late and there are enough enthusiastic people to give me some input on this, it's tearing me up!

Here goes...
Left my LO 19 weeks old with my mum for a night, and 2 full days as i went on a girly weekend away, first time in a year and a half, first time away from baby.

I phoned to check on him mum said he was with 'mary poppins', referring to my sister with special needs, she is 42 with cognition of 3-4 yr old.

She told me that at some point she had left the room and come back and LO had a pillow on his face and sis was laughing cos he was covered up. When i went ape shit, she told i was being too heavy, that the pillow couldn't get flat to his face and that he was fine!

my point was that sis doesn't have understanding of baby being in trouble or what is/ isn't dangerous, why the hell was mum leaving them together on their own? my mum was telling this as a funny story and didn't see why i was upset as all is ok.

she is supposed to be having LO one day a week when i go back to work, now too scared. am i being over the top? mum has made me feel guilty getting upset about it and now isn't talking to me, what do i do?

any opinions?

OP posts:
gess · 04/07/2007 23:39

It is really hard looking afer someone with LD's as well as a baby. TBH I wouldn't do it! I had one friend who was oblivious to her dd's antics and after I saw her sit on a baby (!!) - not mine- I supervised my children hawk like round her. There is no way I would have left her to look after her dd plus a baby of mine.

Another friend was very aware but there was no physical way she could care for her dd plus a baby, so I never asked her.

I have people who are paid to come in and help- I never leave them with all 3 because it's not possible to supervise ds1 plus the other 2 safetly. It's one thing if ds1 hurts himself when I'm looking after all 3, but not fair on someone who is employed.

It is all about weighing up the risks & you are quite entitled to remove your baby from a situation you do not feel comfortable with.

superchoccycake · 04/07/2007 23:36

how long has it been since she looked after a baby allthegear? i know when i see little ones, it makes me realise my 3 arent babies anymore. even if i think of them as small.

Original poster
allthegearnoidea · 04/07/2007 23:36

my LO is too imprtant, he will always come fist and i will be worrying about how my mum is looking after him, so we will have to pay an extra day childcare, which is hard as we are skiiiint! i can't imagine my mum will be speaking to me though

OP posts:
Original poster
allthegearnoidea · 04/07/2007 23:33

i hear you super choccy and gess, and i know that you are right about making it safe, though i never though that i would be in the position of pointing out to my mum that what she was doing was dangerous, and my mum thinking that i was being over the top. i though that she would instinctively make things safe or be a bit brighter about it all, when i am anywhere with LO he is alaways as safe as poss

OP posts:
gess · 04/07/2007 23:32

TBH you sound like you don't trust your mum so I would go with childcare. FWIW I love my dad, we get on very well, but we don't trust him with ds1 as he doesn't know how to supervise him properly (fine with ds2 and ds3). He does stupid things like leaves the front door unlocked (we have 3 locks!) or would leave him in the back garden at his house (straight out onto the road) Likewise we don't really trut in-laws. There are people we trust (my mum- I leave all 3 with heer at once), but I don't leave him with people I don't.

LyraB · 04/07/2007 23:32

So what do you think you'll do, allthegear?

superchoccycake · 04/07/2007 23:31

i dont have cushions, they get used in pillow fights by the little monsters.

Original poster
allthegearnoidea · 04/07/2007 23:30

i really appreciate all the posts too, was going insane with all this going round my head.

OP posts:
Zazette · 04/07/2007 23:30

OK superchoccy, I agree it's rude to label a person I don't know as dim. But if you're going to leave a 19 week old baby without the supervision of a competent adult, checking that there are no potential hazards is the smart thing to do.

but this isn't exactly helping allthegear, so I'll go tidy up some cushions

LyraB · 04/07/2007 23:30

Sounds like the problem here is the mother's judgement rather than the sister. I wouldn't leave a baby on its own in a house while I was pottering in the greenhouse. Myabe if baby was asleep but would take a monitor.

superchoccycake · 04/07/2007 23:30

allthe, dont wan to upset you, but as gess says, wither make enviroment safe, or find different childcare.

Original poster
allthegearnoidea · 04/07/2007 23:28

no do not think for a second that pillow was put on his face, it would have been an accident. my mum also isn't a hero for fostering my sis with special needs, she needs the money it brings, harsh but true. my mum wants to downsize and there won't be a bed room for sis there.

OP posts:
gess · 04/07/2007 23:28

Lyra- the sister needs to be supervised though;. My son is quite capable of walking, taking himself to the toilet, stealing from the fridge, but left alone he is liable to do very dangerous things.

allthe- I know you're not ranting at your sis & greenhouse is a bit far away! I'm pickiing up on people who are saying that "they must never be left alone" as that really isn't possible. In your situation I would look at making the environment safe (that's a big thing in our house) so that your baby has somewhere safe to sleep or, if you think your mum won't stick to that then alternative childcare. Expecting her to never leave them alone just isn't realistic though.

superchoccycake · 04/07/2007 23:26

get her a set of walk about monitors and atravel/cot playpen.

LyraB · 04/07/2007 23:25

No-one actually said the pillow 'fell' on his face. i think the suggestion was that the sister might have put it there.

superchoccycake · 04/07/2007 23:25

of course sis needs to be cared for if she has learning differculties.

zazette, to imply the OP mother is dim is down right insulting.

at my mothers house, cushions sometimes get balences on chairs, on the arm rests. they could fall at any time.

gess · 04/07/2007 23:24

What does she do if the baby's asleep? Wait until he wakes up for a wee, take the sister with her??? Front door rings, pick the baby up? It's hard physical work for a 62 year old.

If you want your mum to keep caring then make the environment safe. Give her a cot/playpen etc. Equipment can make a huge difference to juggling everyone's needs when you are living with someone with LD's.

I used the cot, plus monitor- plus an idea of where ds1 was. With the monitor I could generally hear when he climbed into ds3's cot/amby. Or the baby was in pram- where I could see him whilst getting on with other things.

Original poster
allthegearnoidea · 04/07/2007 23:24

i feel like an unreasonable cow now! the point is sis was called in specifically to watch baby and he would be safer on his own on baby gym or pram than left propped up on sofa with sis. my sis is very kind but not suitable to watch a baby while my mum does non essential jobs in the garden! a wee fine, i don't take him then, but i can always see/ hear him, my mum admitted that LO was in house whilst she was in greenhouse. mums judgement is crap.this is not a rant at people with LD's/ SN's don't take it that way!

OP posts:
Zazette · 04/07/2007 23:23

about the mother? yes, absolutely, in terms of the story we've been told. If she put him on a sofa where a cushion could fall on him, that was not smart.

Are you suggesting that the cushion didn't really fall all by itself? maybe I'm being naive...

LyraB · 04/07/2007 23:23

But that's exactly the point you're missing Gess. the OP has said several times that the sister doesn't need to be cared for.

LyraB · 04/07/2007 23:21

The mother would only be looking after the baby one day a week. there might only be one or two occasions on that one day when she needs a wee while the sister is in the house. Taking the baby with you to the bathroom once or twice a week doesn't sound impossible to me.

gess · 04/07/2007 23:20

Lyra- spend a day caring for people with learning difficulties & a baby at the same time. Adults tend to walk around, and are harder to keep out of rooms than toddlers - I don;t think its reasonable to expect to 62 year old to put the baby in the sling so I think the impossible is being asked.

I have lots of friends with children with learning difficulties who I would never have left my baby with - because I knew there was no way any mortal being could adequately supervise both. There are others I would have. My own for starters-- with the help of a playpen.

superchoccycake · 04/07/2007 23:20

zazette, are you serious?

Zazette · 04/07/2007 23:19

The basic problem here isn't your sister IMO. It's that your mum was dim enough to leave a wee baby in a position where a cushion could fall on him! I'd be much more worried about your mum's appropriateness as a carer because of that than I would be about your sister's response - from what you say about her competence in other areas, it sounds like she could learn some danger signs and how to act on them.

superchoccycake · 04/07/2007 23:19

i think you are being unrealistic lyrab, sorry!

i dont take my kids with me to wee.