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AIBU?

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Original poster

To expect my 8 year old DS to not eat with his hands anymore?

82 replies

LittleBoot · 04/07/2007 10:09

I screamed and shouted and ranted at him this morning.

Honestly, I have tried everything. Star charts for eating nicely. Ignoring it when he uses his hands as maybe it's a way of winding me up. Praising his sister (5) for using her cutlery and ignoring that he isn't using his. Ranting. Joking. Disappointment. Threats. Promises. Rewards. Sanctions.

Nothing has worked, what am I doing wrong? How do I get him to use his cutlery as a default?

OP posts:
barney2 · 04/07/2007 14:01

I must admit I draw the line at kids using their hands to eat spag bowl - now that is messy...!

barney2 · 04/07/2007 13:59

If I were you I'd provide him with a meal, if he refuses to use cutlery etc I'd take the meal away and suggest to him that if he can use cutlery he can have his meal back. If not he can go to school/bed hungry. No child would willingly go without a meal. But you've obviously got to make sure he has no access to food afterwards. I'd do this is the most calm cool way and not lose your rag over it.

katelyle · 04/07/2007 13:42

Don't leave - Speccy, tell me why not!

Original poster
LittleBoot · 04/07/2007 13:39

LOl

Sorry speccy have we freaked you out with our table manners obsession?

OP posts:
Speccy · 04/07/2007 13:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LittleBoot · 04/07/2007 13:25

No KL, I haven't tried that one.

Maybe I will.

I don't really feel comfortable about depriving him of food though!

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleBoot · 04/07/2007 13:24

But I've been backing off, honestly I have. I mostly ignore it. Really, most of the time my main way of dealing with it is to pretend it's not happening. I just completely ignore it. (This morning was an aberration.) And it looks like it's not working. I just wonder how long I should give totally ignoring it, before I decide that doesn't work?

OP posts:
katelyle · 04/07/2007 13:22

Littleboot, have you tried taking the food calmly away and telling him to leave the table? He honestly won't starve if he misses a meal!

Speccy · 04/07/2007 13:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LittleBoot · 04/07/2007 13:20

Speccy that's the thing - he will try and eat fish pie, spag bol, etc. with fingers.

I just find it unacceptable and I want it to stop.

Carrots, bits of broccoli etc. - OK, that I can live with. But when it's stuff that's greasy, got sauce on it - why?

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

OP posts:
Speccy · 04/07/2007 13:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

katelyle · 04/07/2007 13:16

I do have list of "bottom line" issues that I insist on. Table manners when eating at the table is one. Please and thank you is another. Not interrupting is another. No more that 1 hour screen time (unless special occasion, not well - something exceptional)No hitting, kicking or pinching. No swearing. Doing your share of household jobs. Coming to the table even if you don't want to eat. Answer when spoken to. I'm sure there are more - I might be back later!

midnightmagpie · 04/07/2007 13:05

No i dont have my own 8yr old but i have worked with a wide range of children and as a by product their parents too, it is my experiance that when a child wont respond in a way that a parent would like they look to themselves and feel they are doing something wrong the point i was trying "badly" to make is that your boy very likly pulls it together in every other way and that you have guided him this far and done a good job you love him and though it may not always seem so, he loves you too, be happy for that, chill a bit and the rest will come if you dont want to remove him from the table you could try giving him food that is acceptable to be eaten with hands for a while and throw in a cooked meal here and there without comment and see what happens

Original poster
LittleBoot · 04/07/2007 13:04

Hmm yes you may be right.

I think I'll do the suggestion of having just one meal a week the formal one of having to use cutlery, not eat with mouth open etc. and have special pudding so it's not all effort, there's a reward too.

Don't people have bottom line stuff they really want their children to do? Like tidy away toys, go to bed on time, brush teeth, do homework before TV - whatever it is your particular obsession is? If your kids don't do them, do you just give up and accept they're not going to and as long as they can in theory, go with it?

I don't know, part of me thinks this is also about consideration for other people - if you know something you do gets on someone else's nerves, like farting, burping, picking your nose or whatever, then you shouldn't do it.

OP posts:
katelyle · 04/07/2007 13:01

LittleBoot, I am with you on this one......but I think it's us against the world!!!!!!

Speccy · 04/07/2007 12:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

worzsel · 04/07/2007 12:56

Well fingers did come before knives and forks didnt they ??

I wouldnt mind if dd used her fingers till she's 25, infact quite often me and df will eat with our fingers and dd will be trying her hardest to used her cutlery. i dont think it matters how you eat in your own home really as long as you can turn on the table manners when you are eating out !

eating is supposed to be a pleasure after all.

Original poster
LittleBoot · 04/07/2007 12:54

But speccy I do care.

Am I unreasonable to care?

Seriously, I'm not being argumentative, I'm just wondering if it's OK for an eight year old to eat like this?

Does everyone find it acceptable? Would you all be happy if your children ate with their hands? When you see 8 year olds out with their parents eating with their hands for food which is generally served with cutlery, do you think that's OK? And at what age would you consider it unacceptable?

OP posts:
katelyle · 04/07/2007 12:52

I must be incredibly up tight and oldfashioned! I just wouldn't let either on my two eat with their fingers if it's a "knife and fork"sort of meal at the table. Pizza in front of the telly or chips on the beach are different of course. I would just say very calmly "If you don't use your knife and fork, you may leave the table, but there will be no more food this evening" And I would carry it through - although I would make sure that the fruit bowl was full. He may be thin and fussy, but he's not going to starve himself - it would hurt him to miss a meal or two. Don't engage, just remove the child from the table and carry on the meal with the other child, maybe offering a particularly delicious pudding. I think manners are hugely important, and learning to eat in a way that doesn't look awful to other people is a big part of learning how to take a place in the world. JMHO - rant over.

Speccy · 04/07/2007 12:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LittleBoot · 04/07/2007 12:42

mm you obviously haven't read my original post.

I said quite clearly I've tried ignoring it and I quote

"Ignoring it when he uses his hands as maybe it's a way of winding me up. Praising his sister (5) for using her cutlery and ignoring that he isn't using his"

Most of the time, I ignore it. Most of the time. This morning I didn't, which is why I am posting about it.

OP posts:
sandyballs · 04/07/2007 12:36

I don't think it's at all unreasonable to expect/want an 8 year old to use cutlery rather than fingers. This winds me up too with my 6 year old DDs.

It's an important thing to learn - my DH recently had an 18 year old apprentice who couldn't use a knife and fork .

barney2 · 04/07/2007 12:35

Have you got an 8yr old MM?

midnightmagpie · 04/07/2007 12:34

I totaly see where you are comming from but as you've said you have ranted raved and basicly caved your brain in over this maybe you should give yourself a break, you have given a few reasons yourself why you should back off, fussy eating and weight so why dont you it sounds to me the only approach you havn't tried

barney2 · 04/07/2007 12:33

...there's a big difference between a 31 month old and an 8yr old where table manners are concerned!!!