To be annoyed at my lazy a**ehole of a hubby

Just read Ormirian's last post and agree thoroughlly. (Had only skimmed thread before...)

Trouble is its easier for the tidier person to feel aggrieved with the mess than for the less tidy one - they just don't do it afterall. I think the key is finding a middle ground that you can both live with where he doesn't feel he's tidying a house that is already tidy adn wasting his time and you don't feel like you're living in a pig stye and he's taking the p*ss

Have to say that I am the untidy one in our relationship and often promise to do stuff then sit on my arse while ds sleeps on my days off.

In my defence I am 28 weeks pregnant and get tired easily. And looking after 17 month old ds is hard work. Still feel guilty like Floria though... (Hi hon!)

I can understand why you are p*ssed off but can also see things from your dh's side. If this is a one off I think you should cut him some slack. However if he is always lazy I think the 2 of you need to sit down and come to an agreement on what is acceptable to both of you.

Maybe your dh has too much time off and should get a moonlighting job!

Many men are less tidy than their wives so they won't want to tidy up unless you make the alternative even less attractive. How about HE pays for a cleaner - even if it means less money for going to the pub? Why should you work hard to bring money into the home and then be stuffing the w/m at midnight while he has lovely time off when not at work?

Lazy smelly f**king sods...

just fart in front of the telly

....glad I got that off my chest

Glad you like the idea Yellowvan; I was given the book years ago when I taught special needs adults and it worked wonders on my class...I now realise it has become part of my life and I "shape" peoples behaviour all the time ...no wonder my DH is such a treasure ...but seriously the woman who wrote it talks at the end about teaching teenage girls the techniques and then seeing the girls go home and shape their parents into giving them more pocket money and shape their sibilngs into doing their chores for them!!!...it isnt a book to leave laying around if you dont want you hubby and kids shaping you!!

There is some truth in men not seeing the bigger picture. Say 'clean the dining room' and he'd genuinely be struggling to see things that needed doing unless it was a total pigsty. He'd clear stuff into piles but wouldn't put them away. He might sweep the floor and wipe the table but it would be cursory only. Not because he's a lazy arse (or not only because he's lazy arse) but because he genuinely doesn't see the need. And he's right in a way - no-one is going to die of dust on the TV, and the world isn't going to end because there are finger marks on the windows. If you don't know that a certain level of cleanliness and tidiness is a norm then you won't understand.

I think the most telling thing was when I was in hosptial after having DD. On the way home DH told me with great pride that he and MIL had given the house a really good clean - I was pleased because first time round I had brought DS#1 back to a real mess. I got home and it was hard to see what they had done TBH. I think they might have hoovered the middle of the sitting room carpet and swept the hard floors, washed up (but not put away) and piled extraneous toys/books/papers into piles all over the place. It still looked like a bomb had hit it. And they both thought they'd done a great job. I felt as if I had to praise them like well-behaved children......

It isn't always just laziness - sometimes it's a different idea of what is neccessary.

Having said that the books sounds great

Floria that book sounds great! The Venus and Mars ones take a similar tack, and talk about being v specific about what needs doing, ie
"please wash up and take the rubbish out" instead of
"please clear up the kitchen."
I really think that men DO NOT REGISTER this stuff, and as a result get defensive and argumentative when they are accused of (what they see as) failing to mind read. It's a thin line tho, this biological determinism stuff,and I'm not sure it sits too easy with me cos there does come a point where it IS just lazy arseness. For now tho,I'd get Floria's book and give him the benefit of the doubt. Good Luck

You say you dont know what to do to change things?
Well, just a suggestion, but there is a book called "Dont shoot the dog"...dont worry it isnt about dog training it is about shaping other peoples behaviour (without them realising it )though it does start off talking about training chickens to dance!. It isnt difficult to read, and empowers you to make small but meaningful changes to a persons behaviour without confrontation (theres nothing more conducive to depression in my experience than rows ) In fact, quite the opposite...it gets you to praise and encourage the tiniest positive things in order to encourage greater positive changes, so the person you are "changing" quite happily WANTS to change to please you. It works on children and animals as well so its a good technique to employ for life and it makes you feel in control. Google it or get it from Amazon and try out one of the suggested techniques in a tiny way...so long as you sound genuinely pleased about the little things (rather than sarcastic ..one of my first mistakes was being just too effusive in my praise!)the bigger things will come in time, you will feel less downtrodden and less depressed, and hopefully will gradually build a true partnership with your DH (just dont let him see the book or he'll do it to you!)

I would divorce someone rather than spend my entire married life being a miserable skivvy or having to constantly bite my tongue and put up with things not been done and labour not being equally divided and me and my kids being second best to the pub or the bookies..

Just my honest reaction.

My BIL still lives at home with his parents and he's blooming 44 years of age!. He is certainly NOT marriage material or even boyfriend material. He's far too infantalised and set in his ways to change.

"Attila, what you are saying is all correct, but, i am suffering from depression and basically do anything for a quiet life".

I do sympathise; I have a friend who also takes this stance but if you're suffering then your children are also feeling this pain. The quiet life that you so desperately want is not within your reach currently primarily because of him. He also does not want you to have it. He's been like this for years hasn't he. Have you also considered that the root cause of your depression is him because of the way he treats you?.

"AND, I wouldn't know how to begin changing things. When I started work, I did a list of things that needed doing and he accused me of putting all the things on there that I hate or need doing rarely and then he got the monk on"

You certainly think you would not know how to change things but you do yourself a big disservice by thinking this. You cannot change him but you can change you one small step at a time. Have you considered talking to a counsellor to work out why you react in such ways towards him; I feel he has done a bang up job of conditioning you to accept all this as your lot in life.

I agree with loveangel. Ground rules need putting in place. It is his responsibility to take on a fair amount of the work in the house.

I notice though radley that you say you're suffering from depression, so I reckon you need to get yourself feeling strong first really. Are you having AD's? Or some counselling? If you're not getting treatment I really would get some, so that you feel as near to your old self as you can. I sympathise; having depression can be like walking through treacle every day, and that's without having a great lump of a man about who won't pull his weight. Get yourself as well as you can, then you need to read the riot act to him. It's got to be a case of agreeing on the minimum you will accept from him.

I do agree that this is not your fault, however I think you can't be surprised that you're having to deal with this. A man who lived with his mum for 35 years is not too good a bet. And not living with him beforehand so that you could thrash this out together pre-family, leaves you wide open to this being a problem.

YANBU.

I don't know how anyone puts up with this sort of thing tbh - its like having an extra child, and I couldn't be arsed with it at all. You deserve a medal for not telling him to shove it before now.

A frank talk and the setting of some serious ground rules are called for, I reckon.

It is reading threads like these that makes me realise what a wonderful husband I've got! A marriage and a family is about 2 people sharing love and responsibility, not about the woman doing all the work while the husband sits around doing nothing and takes no responsibility. Personally, I wouldn't put up with and would be right pi**ed off!

Have you tried inviting his mother round, then buggering off until she arrives? He might be shamed into doing the hoovering... of course, there's a risk your MIL will turn up and find a pigsty but then you'll have the opportunity to embarrass dh.

My hubby went from his mum's to me living there also to our own place.

Due to my job i'm away most of the week, he washes, dries, irons, puts away laundry and bedding, shops and cooks.

Doesn't hoover muchor clean the bathroom fixtures.

He is a star and tho his mum did everything for him he is happy to get stuck in.

radley I sympathise. And FWIW I get so pissed off with people saying that it's my fault for letting him get away with it ! Do the people who say things like this really realise how irritating it is? No-one wants a partner who doesn't pull his weight but you can't be having rows day in and day out. And unless you better reasos than housework you can't get divorced over it! I've been with my DH for 20 years and I've lost count of the number of times we've had the same old arguments. I've tried withdrawing my labour, nagging, shouting, reasoned argument...but the simple fact is that he doesn't see why certain things need doing. He sees food needs cooking, he sees that washing needs doing (sometimes)and ironing but that is about it. He can't really see the need for cleaning and tidying because dirt and mess is something the doesn't impinge on his life at all.

So...it's not your fault. It's his fault. What you do I don't know...if you find out please tell me because I've spent years trying to find out.

BTW he was worse when he wasn't working and was at home all day.

Never marry the ones who have lived with their mother before they marry - a golden rule.
Don't clean up tonight. That's his job.

"I know i am allowing him to behave like this"

At least you realise you're doing this but he has all the power and control here. You cannot change him but you can change how you react to his behaviours.

Radley, what are you teaching your children here, that's its okay for you their Mum to be treated like dirt?. Girls in particular pick up on all this and learn from it. You are teaching them this is okay. How would you feel if your children when they are themselves adult were to act in the same demeaning ways towards their own partners?. It could well happen so don't kid yourself otherwise. Damaging lessons are being imparted here by both of you.

I must be married to his brother Radley!

My Dh thinks he should be able to come in and do what ever he wants regardless of the needs of our 4 kids.
If the kids are on the computer they have to get off for him to check out the sporting bits. If the kids are watching TV he will put sport on.
apparently, His day off is a day to himself and he is entitled to spend money on betting if he pleases, I asked him once for the same (a day off to do as I please and the same money as he spends on betting to spend on myself- he wasnt pleased.)

He wants to be in charge of shopping because he enjoys it(Oddball!!LOL) but refuses to buy anything that isnt on special offer! never thinks to buy fruit and veg but always buys biscuits and choc (for himself)

AGH sorry rant over with, feel better now

People do and don't do what they can get away with. You are permitting him to treat you like this.