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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That my friend left my party because there were children there

60 replies

Pennies · 29/06/2007 18:00

We had a big BBQ at the weekend - 40 adults plus about 20 kids. It was an afternoon BBQ and on the invite there was a bit abut how we were organising a face painter to come for the children.

Anyway my mate and her DH were coming from a long way off and were going to stay the night. They don't have kids. I was really looking forward to seeing her as I've not seen her for ages.

Anyway, he looked totally disinterested from the moment he got here and played with his phone most of the time he was there and she eventually said they were going home and made some excuse which I took at face value and was generally fine about it but a bit sad that we wouldn't get more time to catch up.

Today I picked up a message from my friend on my mobile saying that the reason they left was because he didn't want to be there because there were kids at the party.

So, I AIBU for being p'd off with her for telling me the real reason - I preferred the lie to be honest.

Also, AIBU to think that the fact that he should have realised that as i've got 2 kids myself there might well be some other children esp as it blardy well said so on the invites.

I'm really p'd off and I sort of want her to know how I feel but I'm not sure it would serve a purpose. How can I tell her how I feel without slagging her DH off?

OP posts:
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Original poster
Pennies · 02/07/2007 19:30

Well, I called her. It would seem that there was no other reason. At all. In fact she all but changed her story back to her original one (that he had some work to do) and interspersed it with a few references to him not liking children.

It's fair to day I was / am more than totally f*ed of with the pair of them. I pointed out the irony of the siutation given that in the brief time that they graced the party we chatted (read: bitched) about the wife of a mutual friend who behaves in much the same way. I'm hoping she got the hint.

We left it in a we-must-meet-up-one-weekend-in-town-for-a-girly-lunch kind of thing but to be honest, it's not going to be me that arranges that one.

OP posts:
ViciousSquirrelSpotter · 01/07/2007 21:26

Sorry I've got no sympathy at all for people who are outraged and perturbed by the fact that children exist and might actually be in the same space as them sometimes.

Particularly when they are forwarned.

But the fact that she told you the real reason might be her way of telling you she wants to talk to you about some kind of problem with her DH. Maybe they're having problems conceiving, maybe she wants kids, he doesn't... could be any number of things going on there, but it looks like she wants to talk to you about it.

Judy1234 · 01/07/2007 21:12

It was over 22 years ago. I hadn't really thought about it until today and then soon I was pregnant again. I suppose I could have said to my husband he should go alone.

Original poster
Pennies · 01/07/2007 18:39

Xenia - I'm sorry you had that hideous experience. That would be a very difficut situaion for anyone to bear. You're not wrong about the "difficult man" - what a lovely phrase with soooo many meanings!

OP posts:
Original poster
Pennies · 01/07/2007 18:37

Elasticwoman, of course mine are cherubs. Aren't yours? .

If it is a problem to do with the fact that they may be trying for children and having a hard time then of course I would understand... to a certain extent. Sorry if this sounds harsh but I have already been treated along these lines by someone who's resentment and anger at the fact that I had children when she didn't (NB - she has now had a baby) destroyed not only our friendship but also many of her other friendships and, ultimately, her own marriage. I'm not sure I can handle that again.

FWIW tho I don't think that is the actual problem here. It might possibly be a contributory factor but he's always had knobhead tendancies so I suspect that's the bottom line here.

OP posts:
Judy1234 · 01/07/2007 18:27

We'd accepted our and the godfather role before we'd known I would have miscarried and I wanted to carry on regardless but it was very hard. But it sounds more on this example that it was a difficult man she's having to apologise for which is fairly common and not nice.

Hulababy · 01/07/2007 18:16

He sounds terrible rude. The invote said children would be there. He could have just not come. No excuse.

motherinferior · 01/07/2007 18:14

Yes, to echo Xenia: there have been times in my life when I found child-packed occasions very difficult. One of my friends walked out of DD1's first birthday do, finding it all too much - the place was wall to wall children - and no, it hasn't affected our friendship, and I am delighted that she's now expecting her first baby.

Judy1234 · 01/07/2007 18:09

There might be a reason we don't know. I will always remember the christening party we went to with my ex husband days after I miscarried. Everyone there had 2 or 3 babies or toddlers and my ex was god father and I still bleeding from the miscarriage and had no babies.

Elasticwoman · 01/07/2007 18:02

Yes icod and (taboo warning here) sometimes friends you really really like have intolerable, horrible children!

Pennies, sure your dc and those of your friends all delightful cherubs.

Dior · 01/07/2007 17:59

Message withdrawn

FluffyMummy123 · 01/07/2007 17:51

Message withdrawn

Elasticwoman · 01/07/2007 17:47

Custardo, how do you get on with Scrabble when you have such appalling spelling? Surely every one knows that Boooooom has 6 os.

Original poster
Pennies · 01/07/2007 17:46

No worries, Custardo - I'm always up for a bit of sarcasm but sadly it is often lost in the written word.

Welshgirl, you're right about not being able to catch up with loads of people there which is why they were due to stay the night afterwards so that we would have just that time once we'd got the kids in bed, which was never going to be later than 7.30.

With regard to having kids at parties - of course I know it's not everyone's cup of tea, but seeing as almost all of our friends have got children (the majority of which are all under 5) then we can't realistically have a party without them if we want people to come as we all live a long way from each other now. If people don't like children or parties with loads of the blighters running around then they don't have to come, which is why I put a bit on the invites about them being v. welcome and catered for to give them a Get Out Of Jail Free Card, as it were.

Anyway, this thread has given me cause to think beyond the face value of the rudeness and will talk to her seperately to see if everything's OK.

OP posts:
Tortington · 01/07/2007 17:30

my first answer was tongue in cheek - yes you are being unreasonabble for expeting childless people to behave as you have pointed out elasticwoman....boom booom. - the inference being that chilless people.

i thought my two line post wasn't even all that bad - i have apologised for - well a not sure - causing offense seems to cover it.

obviously these people were rude - my comments were a form of sarcasm.

when i intend to insult someone i dont apologise - so my apology is sincerely meant.

your friends are rude fuckers.

Elasticwoman · 01/07/2007 17:24

Welshgirl and Custy - your dislike of parties with children is a perfectly reasonable view to hold - but the point is, he KNEW there would be children there, but came anyway and behaved rudely, spoiling it for other people. No one forced him to come to the party. He should either have come with an open mind and a party smile, or stayed away. It is not the partygiver's fault for inviting them, although if she has any sense she won't invite them ever again.

WelshGirlie · 01/07/2007 16:51

Hi Pennies, I didn't post earlier as I didn't think you'd want to hear what I was going to say. But seeing as Custardo has dared to say it, I'll back her up.

I think you are being unreasonable.
I don't have any children and if I turned up to a party and there were 20 kids there I would think I'd arrived in hell.

Not everyone likes being surrounded by children. I can't blame the chap for his behaviour.

You say you hadn't seen your friend for ages and were really looking forward to it. Is an event with 60 people there really the best way to achieve quality time with your friend?

noddyholder · 01/07/2007 16:51

I have a ds 13 and up until he was about 11/12 I was desperate for more kids but couldn't and since I have accepted that there will be no more something has switched in me and I find kiddie stuff unbearably boring and have reverted to the person I was pre kids and avoid parties like that if poss.My own ds and his friends I can bear but parties with all eyes on the LO's and what they are doing are so boring if you aren't into it.You can still be friends though

Tortington · 01/07/2007 16:43

i apologise if you took my response that way. i meant to demonstate through my personal preferences how people dont always like children - even when they have them. i did not mean to infer any slight on the party itself, which i am sure was a truly special family event.

Dior · 01/07/2007 16:15

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Pennies · 01/07/2007 11:39

Thank everyone for your advice (except perhaps Custy - not sure my OP asked for your opinion on the actual party so I think your reponse was rude and inappropriate.)

FWIW I've been thinking about this a lot over the weekend and I'm more on the side of being worried about her than being pissed off now. I'm going to give her a call tomorrow when he's not around and check she's OK. My step sisters ExH was like this and that all ended in tears. Let's hope her situation isn't like it seems at all.

OP posts:
alicet · 30/06/2007 13:04

OK so not read the whole thread but....

I don't think you're being unreasonable in being disappointed and pssed off. However, remember this is your friend's dh and not your friend. It sounds like she was caught right in the middle of a difficult situation and was trying to please both of you and therefore probably only succeeded in having both you and her dh pssed off with her!! I think it was good of her to be honest with you - thats what friends do.

Not everyone enjoys spending time with children. OK so you had made it clear that that was what the party was about but I guess if they live a long way away it might have been hard for her to come on her own? And maybe she hadn't told her dh the crack about the party to get him to come, who knows. I do think he was rude however as he could have tried to hide how he was feeling.

I think it would be very sad if you fell out with your friend over this and I don't necessarily think criticising her dh would help your relationship. Maybe explain you were disappointed to learn the real reason but that in the future if her dh doesn't like the company of lots of children then it might be better to meet up just the 4 of you (either with your children there or get a babysitter) or just with you and her. Even those who dislike children often find it easier when there are not so many! And I wouldn't take it personally on your children - there are lots of reasons why he might feel uncomfortable that might be nothing to do with them. Bottom line is if she is a good friend you need to work around her dh and make sure you still get to see each other. Getting too stroppy about it, although entirely understandable, might make things really difficult for her and put her in a position of having to choose between you and her dh.

Of course all of this presumes she's a close friend - if you're not bothered about her friendship then just accept that your lives have now taken different paths and perhaps its time to cool your friendship and focus on other more likeminded friends.

Sorry that was so longwinded!

newgirl · 30/06/2007 01:38

the only thing id text back is 'fair enough lets organise a girls night out instead it will be good to see you'

then never invite him to anything again - dont make a big deal out of it - there are loads of my mates dh's i dont like and we just dont see them - makes no difference at all to our conversations and relationships!!

Tortington · 30/06/2007 00:17

childless people dont think about people with kids - so yyes you are being unreasonalble in thinking that they would have this forethought !!!

some people hate kids. your party sounds like a fucking nightmare to me - and i have kids.

handlemecarefully · 30/06/2007 00:16

haven't read rest of thread, but excuse me for my bluntness (just got home after a few beers) - why are you friends with simpletons like that?