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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit annoyed and upset that my childless friend is criticising my parenting?

33 replies

mylittlefreya · 28/06/2007 18:46

My 6 month old dd still wakes at night to feed, usually once or twice. She also has the endearing baby habit of occasionally thinking that 2am is a good time to play, and more often that 5am a good time to get up. This is making me quite tired, sometimes a bit low, and some of my friendships have suffered.

Including that with my best friend from school. She came - it's quite a distance - when dd was around 6 weeks old, and though I've not seen her since, have kept in touch though less frequently. In a conversation yesterday, she said that dd shouldn't really be getting up at night now, and that it was time for me to get tough, and make sure it didn't go on any longer.

There are several reasons why I disagree in principle, but mostly I just feel a bit upset that she has come out and said that. Am I being far too sensitive? Or is it reasonable to feel a bit attacked by that?

OP posts:
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Twinklemegan · 28/06/2007 22:56

Ha ha bloody ha. I used to be like that (well in thinking that is, not giving advice) - how naive was I?! I'm sure she means well though, but she'll just have to find out for herself in time.

Genidef · 28/06/2007 22:55

OP
What a PIA. I have a friend who's a bit like that - agree with hatwoman: people love to give advice, esp when they don't have kids. another friend of a friend (26 year old bloke who's just completed psychotherapy training and has LOADS of ideas about attachment and working mums - mostly very negative) who barely knows me and loves to expound on his views. I feel for you - try to ignore it.

hatwoman · 28/06/2007 22:19

someone once said to me that the best parents are the ones without kids. agree with all the advice here. you're not being unreasonable but trying to make her see that she's being extremely tiresome is probably a non-starter. drop into conversation (pretending that you're talking about yourself) how funny it is when you become a parent that you never end up the type of parent you thought you would be or doing things the way you thought you would.

bookwormmum · 28/06/2007 22:14

Childless friends and new parents don't really mix well until they catch up on having babies. Just smile sweetly and think nice thoughts about her.

FWIW, my daughter often loses her toys in the middle of the night or wants retucking into bed. She's just turned 7 so it doesn't stop once the night feeds stop.

newgirl · 28/06/2007 22:08

my guess is that you were probably talking about your baby? I'm not sure what a friend without a baby is meant to contribute to the conversation? it is probably quite tricky to say anything without it pissing off the mum!

id let it go and make a mental note to change the conversation to something you actually value her opinion on

flightattendant · 28/06/2007 19:36

Oh how irritating...some people are just a bit stupid when it comes to babies and haven't got the experience themselves...

My best mate expected me to go to her wedding 300 miles away, on the train, alone, with an 8 week old baby. This was before she had her own. It took her having her own to get us back on speaking terms.

Let it ride, though avoid her a bit if it helps...she just doesn't understand! But yes, I'd feel pissed off

Original poster
mylittlefreya · 28/06/2007 19:36

Lots of support, thank you, you're right - and I probably did it to other friends (I so hope not though).

Muppetgirl - I know that getting tough might eliminate night wakings, she's right. And I would have more sleep. But I am trying to stick to the reasons I don't want to do that, and my personal trait is to feel defensive and cornered by having to justify myself. So in a way you are right - I kind of wish I did agree with her!

And I am also in agreement that she is not being malicious - it was probably more of a throwaway comment.

OP posts:
muppetgirl · 28/06/2007 19:28

I agree childless friends can be tackless, my own lovely brother can irritate me beyond belief as he doesn;t realise you can;t fight every battle ('are you going to let him get away with that..?)
BUT
Are you sure the reason you're so upset is that a teensy weeny bit of you secretly agrees with her......

mytwopenceworth · 28/06/2007 19:26

write them all down in a nice little notepad.

Wait for her to become a mother.

Watch for that special day, when you see the bags under her eyes are tripping up unsuspecting passers-by, she has patches of sick on both shoulders and in her hair, poo on the end of her nose and the baby has been crying for so long she's got tinitus. Give her the notepad and tell her you thought she might benefit from a few tips.

sniff · 28/06/2007 19:19

just patiently sit and wait till she has her own then with a smirk say oh waking in the night tut tut !!!!!!!

It happens to us all but is very bloody annoying

JoeAverage · 28/06/2007 19:16

You're welcome

ladymariner · 28/06/2007 19:15

Thankyou!!!

JoeAverage · 28/06/2007 19:14

You are being unreasonable

ladymariner · 28/06/2007 19:12

Thanx, hon, now what does YABU mean??? XX

Aloha · 28/06/2007 19:11

laugh carelessly and slightly patronisingly, and say, 'Ah, it's so easy when you don't have any, isn't it! I used to think like you ha ha ha. How is your love life these days?" (cock head sympathetically to one side in manner of smug married)

JoeAverage · 28/06/2007 19:10

Smile and nod politely and revel in the fact that when she has kids you can smugly remember all the advice she gave you

tiredemma · 28/06/2007 19:10

piss my self laughing.

Quattrocento · 28/06/2007 19:10

YABU - not unreasonable in itself but the context is that young childless people don't generally understand the context

ladymariner · 28/06/2007 19:10

btw, what does pmsl mean tiredemma? I'm new to mn and still trying to suss the lingo out!!

Aloha · 28/06/2007 19:10

Oh all childless people know everything about raising children
Take no notice.
One of my friends trills 'silly mummy' to my kids about me
She's just jealous really!

ladymariner · 28/06/2007 19:08

Everyone is an expert on other people's kids, just ignore her, as the others say, she probably means well but hasn't really got a clue! . Big hug for you. XX

tiredemma · 28/06/2007 18:59

good job she's no friend of mine. My ds2 still wakes in the night now- and he is nearly 4.

Childless people giving info. pmsl.

NoodleStroodle · 28/06/2007 18:55

Childless friends are experts on parenting.

I love watching them flounder on birth of their first...

Ignore her - remember you have already learnt more than she can ever imagine and you're a luuuurrrrrvvveellyy mummy

PinkTulips · 28/06/2007 18:54

btw... ds is 11 months and dropping his night feeds all by himself now, he still needs them some nights but sleeps through others. much easier to go with the flow than battle them over it

PrettyCandles · 28/06/2007 18:54

As an exhausted new mum you have probably lost your way and what are friends for if not to support a friend in her hour of need? The fact that she's advising you from a positon of complete ignorace has probably escaped her completely, but she no doubt means it for the best and thinks she's really helping you.

Chill, enjoy your baby and your expertise. Please don't feel upset about your friend - there's nothing malicious going on.