in wanting to thrash dd to within an inch of her life?

yeh i have a lockable cupboard to stop mine pilfering all the goodies , esp my teenager

spot on custy!

i think giving a 12 year old a weeks worth of money and expecting them to be adult about it "or walk" is quite frankly ridiculous.

i would be incandescent with rage and quiety yet menacingly lecture "HOW VERY FUCKING DARE YOU, MY money my house my rules - you want money get a job you lying little runt.

it seems quite clear that her drug of choice is sweets.

therefore i would suggest a lockable cupboard with crisp and biscuits in. and a bag of crisp after tea.

i find it veryd isrespectful not to eat tea, its wasteful and disrespectful of my time as i hve been working allf ucking day to have eaten before i make tea and then say i don't want it"

i let my views be known.

it does sound like your overlyanal about sweet ood despie your mumblings to the contrary, and forbidden fruit is always the sweetest.

we have fruit before tea rule - one piece. itsa long time to wait from dinner time at school until 6oclock in my house.

and then if we have sweet stuff in - which we sometimes do, then we have that after tea.

and the walking will be good exercise I think you have the right approach - no easy route just consistency and "stealing is wrong" I think a lot of kids think stealing from their parents if different and need to be taught that you should never tkae what isn;t yours

busfare money at the start of the week sounds a good idea. when she has run out by friday she will have to walk. She will soon learn.

Also food sounds like a major issure for her even though it doesnt seem like it. It sounds like she is trying to hide what she is eating. Not sure what you can do about this.

it sounds like you have exactly the set up we had as children - but by 12 I was earning a tiny bit of pocket money by helping at home - and could spend it on what I wanted.

Interestingly - I spent it on sweets because we didn't have them - BUT - I was never overweight in anywya - so if my Mum knew about it, she certainly had no cause for concern.

I personally think yuor set up is fab - and if I can be in that position by the time my DC are your DD's age, I'll be v proud to have resisted the consumerism. Not having things does not harm you.

All I would say is, perhaps she needs just a little more freedom with money - space to get it wrong - and learn on her own. As other people have said - when its gone, its gone - and if you regulate what she buys, by physically providing the money only once you've agreed on the purchase - she can't ever get it wrong.

Regarding the stealing - is feeling ashamed enough for her? I know that losing my parents respect was my greatest fear, and earning it back was the hardest thing if i'd done anything awful.

Good Luck.

regardless of whether she should be allowed junk food, ipod, mobile phones, she still stole money and was caught

if dd1 (15) did that, she would be instantly grounded, have all her pocket money halted and banned access to the pc, mobile phone etc

she would be forced to sit through a long lecture from me and be given extra chores to make up for it

when i was satisifed she was learning her lesson, she would slowly get her privileges and stuff back

i would also deduct the money she tried to steal from her pocket money

i think you need to hand her the cash pocket money and say 'once its gone thats it'.

the stealing to buy sweets is worrying. food/sweets must be an issue, if they are 'banned/forbidden' then she is possibly doing it for some sort of control in her life. you say no you cant buy xxx, so she steals to get it.

i was gettign my own pocket money to spend as i wanted quite young, i could make it last the whole week, or spend it all in one go. but that was it for 7days. once i hit teenage years i used my money on nail varnish and small bits of jewellery etc, i had a fondness for mood rings

my ds kept 'stealing' nice food - crisps - cakes- biscuits . ALL the time. Sounds minor but it went on and on and there seemed to me no getting through to him.
Eventually we decided to make him re buy a full pack of anything we 'thought' he had eaten. Did this a few times and guess what - the pilfering stopped!

I wouldn't let it go but I would want to get to the bottom of what was wrong

I would 'take' something of hers, not to keep, obviously, but so that she realises that stealing isn't oK when you are the victim. Or dock her poacket money until you are paid back

I wouldn't 'let it go'. That is sending a message to her that it isn't a problem. Which it is.

I would, however, free up her pocket money. Onlt when she is free to spend her own cash will she learn the value of money....ie 'If I buy x today, I can't get y later in the week'

DESIDERATA - no -Mozhes 5 children are babies regardless of her 44 years!

I would tend to think of it as a cry for help

Elasticwoman, when I used to eat like that (on my own, binging crisps and sweets) for me it was a comfort and control thing, I could comfort myself with some small pleasure that I had control over. Mine started aged about 8, got out of hand around 28, under control (ish) 2 years ago at 37.

If she is feeling driven to nick to fill herself up (emotionally) maybe she needs to work that out?

I agree with the food thing - banning anything makes it SOOOO much more appealing! That does not condone the stealing in any way, shape or form though - stealing from anyone, be it your parents, the woman next door or a stranger is just plain wrong. I'd go back to the negotiating table.

Just a random comment - my ds has a friend whose father is a dentist. When it was birthday party time, this friend used to make himself virtually sick gorging on all the sweet things that he wasn't normally allowed. Personally, I think that you need to give a little, to stop sweets becoming an issue.

But I too would be furious about the stealing - you should not have to keep your bag with you in your own home.

I agree 100% with F&Z.
Ease up on the freedom and respinsibility you give her.
But, obviously, make it very clear that you cannot live together happily and steal from each other.

I totally agree with franny on this one I'm afraid

I think a child who is sneaking sweets and crisps in her bedroom is developing quite severe issues with food which is most probably the antithesis of what you desire for her.

I think if it were me I'd be tempted to relax the 'unhealthy' food rules .. things that aren't forbidden are much less appealing

It would be considererd a harsh regime by my teenagers and their mates!

I'm not quite with you there, ED. You appear to be judging the OP's parenting techniques, and finding them wanting.

For what it's worth, I intend to hold out for as long as possible before mine gets all this consumerist shite. Not having a mobile is hardly an excuse for stealing from your mother's purse!

Agree with jinxed - absence of ipod and mobile does not exactly make for a harsh regime!!!!

No, it's hardly a "harsh regime" is it

i wouldnt allow my pre-teen to have a mobile or ipod either!