in wanting to thrash dd to within an inch of her life?

We also grew up with the idea that helping ourselves to food in our own house was stealing.
Simultaneously, my mother would bemoan loudly how everyone in our family lacks confidence! And she was a control freak, too.

My own children help themselves to whatever food they want, as do any guests in the house. Im not going to count the radishes, and we dont have sweets & crisps in the house at all.

I am dismayed that a parent would consider their child getting some food for themselves as stealing. Really dismayed. i'm with you Franny. I would have been acutely miserable if I had known that my own mum considered me a thief if I took a slice of bread without asking.

I think this is an inappropriate level of control for a parent to have over their older child's eating. God, it would have made me both bitterly sad and burningly angry.

they don't buy the food. It's my house, not theirs (yet ). Therefore if they take it without my permission it is stealing. I am amazed that other parents allow children to help themselves to whatever they fancy, when they fancy it. Quite a few of their children seem to think they can take what they like from my fridge when they visit.

"If they take food without asking that would be stealing"

how can it be stealing, to get yourself some food from cupboards in your own house when you are hungry?

gobsmacked at this

HAving a fair amount of experience with eating disorders myself, I would say that you've all the ingredients here to lead to a much more serious problem, and that the more you attempt to control your daughter the more she'll act out in relation to food, as there'll be little else she'll have any autonomy over. Seriously, I would back right off from this struggle you seem to have got yourselves into, and concentrate on trying to boost her self-esteem in ways that are nothing to do with diet, fitness, or doing what you think she ought to. You won't win this one - or if you do, it won't be in a way that's healthy for anyone in the family.

Have you suggested she asks you if she wants money

10 is the age of criminal responsibility

I used to get the bus to school.

Each morning my mum would lay out 2x bus fare and lunch money if no packed lunch

lunch money usually got spent on sweets admittedly, but i NEVER spent my bus money - the thought of walking!

I dont agree with searching your teenage daughter, such an invasion of privacy for a 12yr old.

Fruit as and when they want, and who cares about a small choccy bar or pkt of crisps a day?

Sorry, but I would hate to think I would control my daughters like the way you seem to be, to me its no wonder she is rebelling.

12 year old can count

but a 12 year old does not have adult impulse control

That is why their crimes are not tried in an adult court of law.

Pocket money is to teach control of money, not to withold until they have already learned control of money.

blimey, i thought i was a strict mother, im positively lax compared to you lot, if it is in my cupboard then my children are welcome to take it and would only be expected to ask if it were the last one etc. If there were weight/health issues i wouldnt keep unhealthy foods in the house as that is hardly fair is it.

well I have teens and if they stole from me they would pay it back and also lose pocket money - probably of the same amount. If they take food without asking that would be stealing, we have no lockable cupboards. There is a fruit bowl and they can help themselves to that, anything else they want outside mealtimes they ask for. Sweets are provided once a week, if they have earned them, and if they want more they buy their own.

They can buy what they like with pocket money, I think learning to manage money is important.

A child who was overweight from eating too many sweets and cakes would be facing compulsory exercise of some type but I wouldn't stop them eating what they wanted.

I threaten mine with eating a plate of sprouts when they misbehave

great, thanks stledger another 9 years before i have to go through it all again - i must be mad

I agree with you lucyellensmum - and it starts at about 11...

blimey, you guys should take my teenage DD for a month, then see if you are still going on about crisps and sweets .

Elastic, i too would be incandescent (love that turn of phrase} and would let her now that she has abused your trust and needs to earn it back again. So yes, she will feel resentful about you not trusting her and searching her bag etc but she gave you reason to not trust her so........FWIW my dd has been a demon in the past few years but she SEEMS to be coming out of the tunnel now. I have had to take a step back as a parent at times and that hurts but we are starting to like each other again. Dont have time to go into my situation just now as i am at work, but parenting to a teenager is the hardest thing ive ever had to do

I agree with F&Z about not searching for things as that will destroy trust between you - My mum spotted I'd got a different pencil case once and accused me of stealing it as she didn't believe me when I told her I'd bought it with my pocket money at newsagents near my school some months before. That really stung as there was no truth in the matter. Had I really stolen it then this would not have been a conducive atmosphere to discuss why as it simply descended into a slanging match. I can understand she was frightened that I'd nicked it but she'd also forgotten that I simply never spent my pocket money as a rule so I had plenty to spend if and when I chose to - and I had chosen to and also that I was a young woman so was also entitled to a bit of reasonable privacy. I was 15 at the time.

Can't you get her a bus pass rather than giving her money for fares? It'd still teach her to be responsible for something and if she lost it, she'd 'have to walk' for the remainder of that week. However, I would not be happy at my 12-yr old dd walking for 45 minutes to or from school even depending on the area. I wouldn't walk for 45 minutes to go to work (30 minutes walk each way is my top limit) so I certainly wouldn't expect a child to walk it twice a day, carrying school equipment. But then I do live in London .

I don't think anyone is suggesting that you stock crisps etc if you've not done so in the past but perhaps a daily ration of less healthy food might take away her urges to eat chocolate/crisps etc. At 35 I still binge on junk food around the time of my period, a relatively healthy sponge cake with custard or perhaps some fruit for dessert, say, doesn't come near satisfying my urge for sugar and salty snacks. And I'm old enough to know better .

Elastic, I can't imagine what you searching her bag and pockets must be doing to the trust and respect in your family, and to your dd's self-esteem

I know you are worried about her health - but there are more important things in life than being a bit overweight, or eating too much junk food, or even having to have fillings.

She can get a healthy food habit and lose weight if she decides she wants to. But I am not so sure your relationship, and the honesty and trust that should be there between you, can be so easily rescued.

god no elasticwoman - don't change your shopping habits whatever you do!

it does sound a little as though she is pushing things to see how far they can go... what does she REALLY gain? Is she merely gaining more and more attention?

Can you rope her G/Parents in, and ask them not to give her money until her behaviour calms down - at least if you can cut of legitimate sources of income, you can ignore the silly behaviour, and know that you have to be extra careful.

Do you have other children? have you tried reverse psychology, and extra rewarding their good behaviour? It might make her think about positive attention being better than negative?

custardo - a 12 yr old can count can' they? do simple adding, subtraction, multiplication? Of course a 12 yr old can be given a weeks bus money and be expected to cope!

When on earth are they going to learn otherwise?

This world is upside down - we think children can be trusted with mobile phones, ipods, internet access etc... but not a weeks worth of bus money.... AAARRGGH

dd1 has had her pocket money stopped for 2 weeks because she tried to diddle ds1 out of his

he asked her to get him something in town, she tried to pretend it was worth more than it was and keep the rest of the cash, but she got busted by dd2 and her friend, who were with her at the time of purchase

she has to pay him back the difference out of hte 2 weeks money and lose the rest