in wanting to thrash dd to within an inch of her life?

To answer your point growingbagpuss, I just feel it is very important not to take up entrenched positions with pre-teens/teens.

I speak as the mother of a 10.5 year old dd and a a much older dd.

At the end of the day they just want you to love them and while you can "lay the law down" it is better done without over emoting imo

no-one has actually established that this is about an addiction

It could quite simply be that edible things are the easiest to hide, and are cheap and easy to purchase. As others have suggested perhaps it is simply because they are seen as "restricted" or its a bit rebellious - lets not write the poor girl off with an eating disorder! It's something that perhaps should be loked into and RULED out, but no-way has the girl been diagnosed.

I bought sweets and fizzy drinks with stolen 20p's as a child - I felt too guilty to nick more and I knew my mum would catch me - but I don't have an eating disorder, it was just my bit of rebellion

Taking money to feed your addiction is classic and it doesn't matter if it's drugs or sugar - it's not as simple as saying the person is responsible.

Hang on - why "taking" not stealing? doesn't make it any better. "taking" anything without permission is STEALING. Esp if it relates to money that belongs to someone else. If that stolen money is then spent on stuff -food, records, clothes, whatever - then I think there is an absolute right to lay down the law in one's own household.

If children/ Teenagers don't learn to respect their family's possessions how are they going to learn to respect anyone elses? Or is it ok to take from mum's purse? what about grandma? Or the lederly lady who's dropped in for a cuppa?

Elasticwoman - I'm not suggesting this is your DD!!!!! I'm just adding it into the pile coz' i'm getting cross that so many people seem to be rather critical!

For the record however, I do agree the food thing may be somemthing deeper, and may need handling differently from the money pinching.

I don't have teenagers and I never stole from my parents but I have suffered from eating disorders in the (now distant) past. My issues with food began at about 11 when I had a bit of puppy fat and my mum "banned" certain foods for me (but not for my brother - he was skinny as a rake). I used to take biscuits, chocolate, bread from the kitchen cupboard when no one was looking and eat them alone in my room.

This was the start of my very unhealthy relationship with food which marred my teenage years and twenties. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

May lock away your purse. Our children can take money they need from me. I trust them. Once they get to a certain age I wouldn't presume to control what they eat - they know what is a healthy diet and they pass from the stage of parental control to being in charge of themselves and feeling trusted is part of that.

Clearly this child feels food is an issue. She may be a sugar addict of some kind - look at the little sugar addicts book or www.radiantrecovery.com site for how you can help her and don't assume this is her fault. It's a bit like drugs or alcohol. I bet a lot of mumsnetters have driven to the corner shop to get chocolate from time to time - those urges are huge.

Teenagers' job in forging a life separate from the home is to be as objectionable as possible. It peaks around 13 - 15 and then they turn lovely again. May be go on a parenting of teenagers' course.

I don't think the responses have been hostile; mine certainly weren't intended to be.

I think what people have been trying to point out is that this situation may be about a lot more than either the food or the stealing, and that it needs careful and considered handling if it's not to become part of a damaging cycle that might have much more far-reaching consequences than you've necessarily anticipated.

I don't know you, your daughter, or your family, and anything I'm saying is based on a necessarily partial view that comes only from what you've said. But from your description of the broader situation, I would say it's incredibly similar to the one that set up years of painful and damaging power struggles between me and my own mother, of which six years of eating disorders were only the most obvious result.

I can see how outraged you must feel about the situation, but even so, I think you need to look behind it to see what your daughter is really trying to communicate about her needs here. And I can guarantee (99%?) that it's not about either the food or the money.

I think some of the responses (not hostile particularly just not in agreement with you) are to do with the strength of your language.

"Stealing" rather than "taking"
"Abused" rather than "learning how to manage money"

My 10.5 daughter really still doesn't understand properly about money

As the daughter of a mother with a very similar attitude to food as you OP I would just like to add that I did frequently buy and conceal sweets / crisps etc as I hated being told they were bad for me, but I have reached the grand old age of 30 without any sort of eating disorder and a size 10 at 5'6" (apart from my recent pregnancy-induced expansion! I am now thoroughly grateful to my mother for the good habits she instilled in me (and the fact that she taught me to cook properly) as I do genuinely actively prefer healthy food (and still enjoy the odd bag of crisps and strawberry bootlace!). It was certainly a phase for me - and I was encouraged to do lots of after school exercise so I am now more inclined to exercise more than eat less.

I am hoping I will manage to achieve the same result with my children and your attitude sounds highly sensible to me...

My Mum also gave us healthy food when I was at school, I found he home made wholemeal sanwiches v embarassing! It is an issue of fittng in with other kids too and am sure your daughter feels this Elasticwoman.
Now I am grateful we ate well but back then it was not so appreciated...

I am really surprised at all the confessions about taking money from parents as teenagers!! I was obviously a complete wimp because I never did this. Although DH (wild teenager in druggy 70s) says he didn't either (or at least he can't remember ). Am I over-reacting because this is not something I did myself? It's the lying that has upset me more, really. I thought we had a good relationship, but perhaps I need to wake up, smell the coffee, and realise that teenagers will lie and steal if they have the opportunity?

i stole as a teenager..my mum used to make all our sweet stuff...but i wanted 'brand named sweets like my mates did. (there was nothing more embarrasing for me than taking a home made cake into school) so yes i stole so as to buy the 'proper' stuff! i think lots of teenagers go through this anyway regardless of home life. im lucky in respect of my two teenagers as ive never caught them...and stress ive never caught them!! but grounding teenages (especially as the nights are lighter at the mo) works wonders for me!

I think you are right about the punishment not being open ended. I have told him that I have taken his mobile away until the end of term, which gives him a week without it.
I think that one of the reasons we were not giving him more than £5 is because he rarely eats lunch. He prefers to save the money instead. Until recently this was for a better mobile phone, which he saved up for in record time because of this. Now it is for an electric guitar (God help us). This means that I feel that I am subsidising his savings rather than providing money for a healthy lunch.

maybe pay it back through chores? and if he refuses to do them remove another privilege for a while eg no tv for a few days each time he refuses. I think it's important that any punishment is consistent and has an end date because an open ended punishment feels totally unfair and doesn't seem to have the same effect. A friend of my sisters was grounded indefinitely at 15 - the first few weeks she was sorry and had learned her lesson but after that she began to resent her parents using it to police her, plus they used to make exceptions to her grounding when it suited them and it seemed to have no effect. Also, he may say well it's only 3 days to get through or whatever, but several lots of 3 days soon adds up!

May be I will take it in babysitting. Should get a good few nights out from him for free.

Yes but vauuming the inside is horrible!
Cut grass (£2.00)
Wash kitchen floor properly (£2.00)

He enjoys cleaning the car (ie playing with water). I want something he doesn't enjoy.

make him do chores he hates

Clean car? (Inside and out rates £5.00 here).

How would you make him repay the money he has stolen though?

I have ds 14 and dd 10. They get £6.00 and £3.00 pocket money (the £6.00 has to cover bus fares too). They can add to this by cutting grass, washing kitchen floor, washing cars at any time. We pay them for things like that, although not unloading dishwasher, etc.
There has always been a jamjar of cash in the kitchen- usually £5-£10. It is for anyone who needs it. Is topped up when I remember and it is NEVER counted.

That's how we manage and so far it has worked.

So we are not giving him enough money?
This is probably true and we will have to increase it next year. Since we only have a few days left this year maybe I will insist that he takes in a packed lunch for the rest of the term as punishment.

yes dd1 is 15 and i give her 10 a week for lunch