in wanting to thrash dd to within an inch of her life?

Just very libertarian and my parents too. The children seem fine. They are at day schools but I'm sure it is easier if you work full time of course. I was thinking about it today. Why do they do as I say or why does the compromise work? Or do I tolerate more than other parents do? Trying to think of some examples. Just had one who wouldn't go up to bed for 10 minutes longer than I wanted - I didn't think it was worth arguing over so took his twin up first, then I had a shower, then did the other one. I suppose I could have had a row and done punishment or something but it wasn't needed.

Did you have a nanny/ boarding school for your children, xenia? I've met other children whose parents didn't believe in punsihing them. They have been unbearable and practically friendless. It doesn't seem to be a strategy that works for most children.

Not talking to a child doesn't strike me as a good way to deal with a problem. Might be good temporarily when you're incandescent and know you need to cool down first.

Xenia had a point about sugar addiction- I ahd bullemia as a teenager and I used to streal to binge (and am a law abider par excellence now)

Would it worth watching? Bullemic poelpe can be a little overweight. Also check how her blood sugar is- if she's craving sweet thinsg there may well be an issue there,a nd w ould check that with trip to the GP for a diabetes check just to rule out teh low blood suagr that can result

my mother was very scary.in fact,i'm still scared of her now even though i'm 30 and have 5 children.she wasnt violent or anything,just the odd smacked bum which was normal in those days,but i was scared s*less of her not talking to me,she would stop talking to me for days when id done something wrong,and i would be an emotional wreck trying to work out what it was,begging her to tell me.i think it was a bit extreme tbh

i just know that carb cravings can be a hormonal thing.

'A mother's place is in the wrong, it seems. '

i love that line!

one thought that i had when reading this thread is where is your dd with regards to puberty?i just had this image of me scoffing my way through bag after bag of crisps every month just before my af is due,and wondered if it could be a hormonal thing?

just a thought.

also,i was overweight as a child.my mum never restricted anything food-wise(in fact i was always made to clear my plate which is why ive lost the ability to know when im full now!),but when i was 13 and was being bullied in senior school,my mum said that she was going to the weight loss clinic at the doctors as she wanted to lose some weight,and i asked if i could go with her,and i stuck to the healthy eating plan and lost weight,and felt better in myself etc etc.i dont know if it would have made any difference if my mum had restricted food for me,my sister ate the same as me and was never overweight(lucky cow).

as for the stealing,i would never have dared steal from my mother's purse,i would not have wanted to know what she would do to me.

libra-i used to get £1 a day for lunch at senior school,and that was in the late 80's/early 90's.

xenia - what is it that you actually do? I think i might have chosen the wrong career

le, no guilt and they're at full time school. We don't really have a proper nanny. The youngest aren't in shops so they wouldn't need or want money. If you go to school and then come home and don't pass or go in a shop you don't need money.

Not sure. Perhaps it's just that I worked full time so I could dodge having to punish anyone. I suppose I just talk to them and we sort things out. No one has ever gone off the rails.

Reasonable amount of money? Impossible to answer. The three at university get £100 a week (plus fees and rent) by standing order provided they take out no loans or debts. The twins get nothing because they're only 8 and don't really need cash. As I said below the older ones in mid teens got £50 a month but that's just us here and our lives. Everyone differs in their income and earning capacity. Children whose mother's don't earn much get less to spend I presume.

can i take that back (sorry xenia - you know i love you really)

By Justaboutmanaging on Sat 30-Jun-07 12:07:35
Wow Xenia, how have you managed without punishing a child ever?
And what do you see as a 'reasonable' amount of money?

//Justaboutmanaging - she manages without punishment because she only likes to spend a limited amount of time with her children and has the nanny do the rest. I guess the access to money asuages the guilt. Yeah yeah, so call me a bitch, i dont care

Ask Custy re privacy issue, (see previous Custy "rant"). Totally agree with her too!!

I havent read all the thread but maybe she should have a sweet and crisp allowance, so much she can have a week if she stops stealing from your purse.

Ah but that begs the question of whether we should look under children's beds, in their diaries, on their facebook pages etc. Very interesting privacy issues.

bolleaux xenia
my father was a tosser - i am not one
my husband is a surgeon my children cant hold a knife

I don't believ in punishment, just reason and my father's a psychiatrist, but may be I was just lucky with reasonably well behaved children. There are plenty of ways to skin a cat.

Reasonable amount of money? I've had children for 22 years so it's hard to generalise. It depends how much the family earns and the children need. The 8 year olds don't get pocket money but if they need something and it's reasonable they can have it. They lost the football last week and got a new one which I paid for. I don't remember when the others were 10 - 12 them really needing too much money for anything. At one point I think when they were 13+ they got £50 a month by standing order but we have quite a high income so the figures themselves aren't really an answer. The aim is to ensure they realise they aren't supported for life and need to forge their own lives and that there is no expectation of being kept into adulthood.

It's clear that you are worried about your daughter, but I think you are not taking some of the comments made in the spirit in which they were intended.

You say your daughter has access to her Grandad's money and can spend it as she pleases. In the next sentence you say that you frisk her when she comes in the door - how on earth can she be allowed to spend her money with any freedom if she is scared that you'll bust her as soon as she steps inside the front door.

There is no shadow of a doubt in my mind, that if your daughter has stolen money to buy junk food (even if it's once) and more importantly, if she is eating junk food secretly - that she has an issue with food. Most likely and hopefully it's something you can sort out now before it's not too late.

Making her feel like a criminal for her habit by frisking her, will on cause more problems in the long term.

Talk to her. Find out what her issues are. Treat her with a bit of respect and give her credit for her maturity (even if you don't see it).

I hope you sort this out soon.

dejags
x

re tatt I've never actually punished a child ever... but I suppose that just shows how different parenting styles people have.

I've never had a child taking money from me so I've not had to deal with the issue. Many teenagers are addicted to drugs, sugar, alcohol and I would much rather they stole from me than stole from friends or shops because then I could address the addiction without police involvement. If she's just greedy billy bunter type wanting to buy some extra buns to eat in the room may be the problem is lack of foods she needs at home or she needs to be moved to a sugar free diet or whatever.

But they can take money they need. We seem to have an equilibrium - they know what they can have and ask for and I don't think we have any conflicts about money really. I buy their food. There is a shopping list in the kitchen people can add just about anything to within reason and then I order it on line once a week. if we run out - tough unless they can persuade the 3 children who have passed their driving test to take them out to buy provisions.

I suppose we have a kind of trust. They can also use my credit card on line but they need to ask for that. When it once got to a point where I thought too much was being spent at Amazon I reined it in and now the older 3 are on a fixed allowance as they're at university and I made them all move to their own Amazon accounts with their own bank cards.

Stealing from your parents is horrible, I don't think the fact that quite a few people seem to have done it makes it any more acceptable. But people are concerned that your child may have a problem with her eating habits and that how you react could make a possible problem into a full blown one. Some comments have been harshly expressed but that's the problem with internet sites.

Libra I give mine 8 pounds for lunch but 30p for pasta is cheaper than our canteen. Next year prices are likely to rise so it will probably have to be more. Is your son stealing to keep up his savings for his guitar or because he wants to be part of the gang? I'd be far crosser about the first one! In our house we have double punishment if you lie about doing something wrong - you get punished from the wrongdoing and again for being dishonest. In this case I'd probably say I realised after talking to friends that perhaps he needed more lunch money - and we'd discuss what was reasonable - but he should have asked. So he would still be punished for stealing (packed lunch sounds good) and punished for lying. For that I'd probably ground them as I couldn't trust them to come home on time.

One of the kids asked what I was doing so I asked if they'd ever stolen from me. They said they didn't need to as they got a big enough monthly allowance. Obviously not awake yet as they normally argue they need more - however they know they'll be told to earn it with more chores if they ask for too much.