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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my ex to have dd for alternate weekends.

83 replies

twinsetandpearls · 24/06/2007 21:13

He currenty sees dd when he feels like it which is currently about one day a month. DD wants to see her dad more and as he does not pay any maintenance ( which is fine I don;t want or need it) I think he can contribute in other ways such as giving dp and I time to recover at the weekend from very tiring jobs which we need to do to support dd.

I asked him today to start increasing his accees and he was very non commital and his girlfriend ahd a whinge, can I see a solicitor to get access defined.

OP posts:
paulaplumpbottom · 24/06/2007 22:39

I'm sorry for your dd. Makes me on her behalf and yours

Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 24/06/2007 22:38

I wouldn't do that as I know how tight money is for them and I would not want to see their baby go without, I am also not happy with money from the company he works for fuding our family TBH.

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ViciousSquirrelSpotter · 24/06/2007 22:36

Oh blimey. Maybe she is just wicked then.

I think you need to sell it to her more than him by the sound of it. She needs to feel that the involvement of your DD with her baby, is a positive good thing, so that she welcomes your DD into her family rather than repelling her.

Is there any chance of that?

paulaplumpbottom · 24/06/2007 22:36

Could you threaten him with maintenance if he doesn't see her

Judy1234 · 24/06/2007 22:36

Sometimes couples fight in court not to have the children! They are interesting battles. I suppose if neither would have the children at all they'd have to go into care. In some countries people are obliged to have the children 50% of the time. In English law you can choose never to see your chidlren. Apply for a court order that he gets to see them once every 3 months and then if he wants more force the more on him may be?

Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 24/06/2007 22:35

she is not a new mother, the baby is almost a year and we have been more than patient with her, for example not taking any maintenace, buying clothes for the baby as money is tight and even helping out with bills.

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ViciousSquirrelSpotter · 24/06/2007 22:33

No you're not being unreasonable, but there's really very little you can do about it apart from to deny all contact so that you can renegotiate more contact.

He ought to be made to do community service for not having more contact with his DD. But that would be unthinkable, as snowwonder says, if it were the other way round the courts would decide they need to be involved in it "because it's a child's right" but when fathers can't be arsed to see their children, suddenly the child's rights are none of the court's business.

I wonder why?

Problem is, if there is a new mother feeling hormonal and protective about her own baby, if you do go the denying contact in order to facilitate more contact route, she might hijack it to ensure that he doesn't see his DD again. Some women are wicked like this. I wouldn't risk it, personally.

rantinghousewife · 24/06/2007 22:32

Blimey, there's an awful lot of us in the same boat, isn't there. How depressing

snowwonder · 24/06/2007 22:31

i tried to get a contact order recently, but couldnt as the father is the only one that can apply for a contact order, and the only way to get him to do it would be to stop contact so he is then forcced to apply for it or not if that is what he choses,

i wouldnt stop contact so we have just carried on all on his terms, something in the system is not right

paulaplumpbottom · 24/06/2007 22:28

Maybe explain to her that having a big sister would be a wonderful thing for the baby

rantinghousewife · 24/06/2007 22:28

Just a thought but, do they have a mediation service in your area, they could help deal with issues like this and if your ex really does care, it may help him to see things more clearly.

Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 24/06/2007 22:28

But the whole point is that my ex does love his daughter and he does enjoy spending time with her but not often enough.

OP posts:
agnesnitt · 24/06/2007 22:27

Looks like the new girlfriend with the PFB is the spanner in the relationship between your ex-partner and your daughter.

If they used to have fun together and more regular access then I think you have hope that it can happen again. It might be worth talking it over with your ex-partner while his girlfriend isn't there. Tell him that it's your daughter who would like a more substantial relationship, and that more time together would benefit them both. You're not trying to push his new child out of the equation after all, just trying to make sure he and his other child also get a fair chance at a good parent/child relationship too.

Agnes

paulaplumpbottom · 24/06/2007 22:25

Thats shocking! Maybe she is just jealous. Men can be so weak

chipkid · 24/06/2007 22:25

If he did not keep to his access arrangements then the only real option open to you is the "more regularly or nothing route" I am afraid.

The Court's are ususally faced with fathers (or sometimes mothers) who are trying to have MORE regular contact!

aimeesmummy · 24/06/2007 22:24

Really tricky. I know someone who has a son aged 11 who never sees his dad despite wanting to because the dad doesn't want anything to do with the son. Really sad but if they're like that, you can't force them to change. Fingers crossed you can get your ex to understand that his daughter would actually like to spend more time with him.

Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 24/06/2007 22:24

Even though they do not do a lot together at the moment dd is very happy going there and justhaving time with her dad, she is a child who can entertain herself at home and she loves spending time with her new brother.

OP posts:
rantinghousewife · 24/06/2007 22:24

And you would have to get him to agree to the access arrangements to begin with.

Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 24/06/2007 22:23

yes it is their baby togther.,

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rantinghousewife · 24/06/2007 22:23

I'm pretty sure that the courts wouldn't get involved if he didn't turn up at least they never used t. TBh I would contact a solicitor and see what they would say. They could give you up to date info about the law as it currently stands.

Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 24/06/2007 22:23

Because they used to do more together and I knowing dd skills at nagging and pursuasion I think that he would do more with her if they had more time together. They used to do a lot togther when he had regular access and he could plan things.

OP posts:
paulaplumpbottom · 24/06/2007 22:21

What on earth does she have to think about??? A mother should know that a child needs a father. Thats crap. Is her baby his?

snowwonder · 24/06/2007 22:21

why would you want her there stuck with him the whole weekend with maybe a trip to the supermarket?, i would rather she stayed with me it it was my dd,

you dont want dd to be unhappy going there,
the one day contact may be enough for her

Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 24/06/2007 22:21

rantinghousewife so what would happen if he did not keep his access arrangements.

OP posts:
Original poster
twinsetandpearls · 24/06/2007 22:20

with her dp, my ex.

OP posts: