to expect my ex to have dd for alternate weekends.

You are describing a woman who is not in her right mind IMO . And a woman with such strong feelings ought not to get involved with a man with a past...

Anna: a woman who is an utter monogamy maniac, who doesn't want to think of her partner ever having looked at another woman. That's the sort who would pressure a man to have no contact with his children from past relationships.
Luckily silly bitches like that are not very common.

But what woman in her right mind would want a man who was prepared and able to cut his children out of his life?

Also new girlfriends are pretty notorious for wanting their man to cut off contact with his other kids...they want him all to themselves iyswim. Not all, but some are of that mindset.

I have a feeling my DS1's dad was a bit persuaded by the new woman not to see him, as apparently she is a cow to his other daughter. I think she's jealous

I think from what I've heard, it's a fairly common phenomenon that a man will sort of 'cut off' his ex-family once he has a new life with someone else.

My DS1's dad did this, his now-wife has 3 kids, and he hasn't seen DS1 since about 3 years ago despite my asking him many times by phone message, and him saying a few times that he would arrange it when he was 'settled'.

I think the conflict between the new life and the old life is just too much for the poor things to cope with

Poor DD. I'm so sorry for her.

Of course he should want to see more of his daughter. Of course he is wrong not to want to agree to alternate weekends, but that's not the point here really. You cannot force him to see more of her. No court can make a man spend time with his children.
If you want to issue an ultimatum, then YOU can do that - ie see her two weekends a month or not at all, and then he will have to apply to the courts for regular access, but the risk is, he will take offence, his girlfriend will back him, and you might end up with his not seeing his dd at all.
You could ask a solicitor to write a letter saying you wish to establish formal contact of, say Sat 10am to Sun 6pm on alternate weekends beginning on X date, but you have no legal means of making him either agree to it or stick to it.
It might piss him off (unreasonably, but it might). You know him better than any of us.
But it might make him think seriously about what is reasonable - it's up to you.

Yes, I think both you and the children do come to accept the situation, can't say I understand it tho'.
For my part, I am extremely grateful that the ex's parents play an active part in ds's life, so that he does have someone else (other than my family) that he has a blood-link to. Makes it easier on ds too.

..partner, not husband..

Unlike a lot of men if I ever have to cancel his time with the boys (which is very rare as those 2 hours a week are the only thing he ever does for us and I always offer other days) he never minds. He sees being free of it as a bonus. Anna's husband is thankfully much more typical of men. Also I know two men whose wives won't see the children (children live with father) so it does work both ways round.

rantinghousewife - thank you, yes, we probably are pretty lucky in our stepfamily arrangements - they have evolved and improved over time and everybody concerned has really put a lot of work into making sure that we "blended". I certainly don't have any advice to give anyone on this issue - the difficulty is that, with all the goodwill in the world, if one person (an ex, a stepchild, whoever) in the whole family group doesn't play the game, the whole organisation will be very difficult to put in place.

Anna, I think you have a wonderful setup and indeed, I really do think that if it wasn't for my ex's current wife, he wouldn't even bother with the twice a year that he manages now. I'm almost positive that she reminds him of his obligations.
Xenia, you make a very interesting point re; maintenance, as my ex has never contributed financially either, I wonder if you have 'hit the nail on the head'. I've never thought about it that way but, now you mention it, it may have something to do with it.

My elder stepson said to his father the other day "[My sister] is the very best present you have ever given me".

When the boys say that kind of thing, it just makes it SO much easier to love them and integrate them into our lives.

From my point of view, it would be silly to do anything than welcome my stepsons into my life and my own family, as well as enable the relationship between my daughter and her brothers (which is a source of great joy to all three of them).

But of course the real issue is the father - my partner wants to see his sons really often and be fully part of their lives and upbringing, and I couldn't do anything anyway to change that if I tried.

Actually I wonder if those that don't pay see less of the children. In England less is paid for the child to the resident parent depending on the number of nights the child spends with the non resident parent. So if you have them 50% of the time each neither pays the other.

I think for my ex part of it is the only way he could make things hard for me is not to help with the children as I work full time so that's the only kind of hold he has, withholding the help.

THat's a good set up Anna. Not everyone can achieve it. I did once email my ex's parents who I do email and send pictures of the grandchildren to to mention it's a pity their son doesn't see more of the children - in 4 years he never contacted the older 3 and just sees the other 2 for 2 hours a week and 6 nights a year at his parents' house but they didn't reply to that part of the email. Obviously he's their son and they love him so it's not really for them to interfere but it's still strange.

Some men feel rejected by the whole family. Some only want contact if it's on their terms - English courts have a lot of cases of men who want the chidlren 100% of the time or not at all as a kind of control battle. Some think they're useless and the children are better off without them. Some find it too painful to be reminded of their ex partner/wife. Some just find it easier never to have children around so they can get on with a new life and forget the old. So I think there are many reasons and men fall into one or other category. Thankfully most love their children and see them regularly.

For me it's not the money eitehr (he doesn't pay anything) - it's that children should see both parents and parents should put aside their feelings to arrange that.

The girlfriend's attitude is awful.

I'm "the girlfriend", and I have a daughter (2.7) with my partner who has two sons by his first marriage and we have regular arrangements to see his sons (every Tuesday night, every other weekend Fri-Mon, more than half the holidays and my partner sees the boys several times in the week for school drop-offs, lunches, at tennis etc). That's the deal when partners' have children from previous relationships - they are part of your lives and you make regular arrangements to fit them in and do things with them.

I'm taking my elder stepson to my parents' house for a week later this week (with my daughter but without my other stepson and partner) and my younger stepson and one of my nephews (my sister's son) are planning to go to camp together. I couldn't countenance a stepfamily that wasn't fully integrated.

A mutual friend of mine and the ex's once asked me why I didn't let him see ds, I was struck dumb

Never a truer word VSS

you have been incredibly patient with them by the sound of it,
i hope they arent taking you for sa ride and pleady poverty, you sound like a lovly person,

i think though once you have tried everything you can then you may have to except it all the way it is, however sad it is for dd, although she will be fine- she has got you

Xenia it's obvious - he tells everyone that you deny him contact.

And all the dumb fucks believe him.

They must feel like jerks most of the time. Down deep they know it

I wonder how my ex explains his lack of contact to other people. Surely it's embarrassing and unusual.