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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU asking for 72 hours advance warning before XP has the kids?

40 replies

charliecat · 19/06/2007 11:13

We split up about a month ago, up until now hes been texting at 6pm saying I am coming/I am not coming round to see the kids.
This weekend he came to see the kids, and ended up taking them out for the day on Sunday, I had no prior warning, and was left twiddling my thumbs for the day.
So when he returned I said I want 72 hours notice before you see the kids, He went a bit beserk and said he would see them twice a week.
Exactly, regular contact. What days then? Wednesday he said, for this week, dont know about the other day.
Ok...see you Wednesday.
No hes getting arsey about it, saying ive got a bloody cheek.
Ive said by all means rign and ask if you can come and see them on your non allocated days, but dont get the arse if Im busy.
Complete Fury from him.
I cannot sit by my phone for the next 10 years waiting to see if hes coming after work or not THAT NIGHT?
Can I?
Am i being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
charliecat · 19/06/2007 11:46

The thing isd hes not actually DOING anthing else. Except leaving us dangling off a string.

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 19/06/2007 11:41

charliecat - point out that children always come first, before social engagements. You really don't want your children growing up with their father only seeing them if nothing better has cropped up for the evening.

Original poster
charliecat · 19/06/2007 11:32

God help him if he doesnt turn up when hes said he will.

OP posts:
elesbells · 19/06/2007 11:30

do you know i hate it when ex's do this...you try your best to sort out the kids welfare and they put a spanner in the works!! set the days yourself and tell him what they are..dont deviate from it...and tell him he will be the one who lets the kids down if he doesnt come!

Original poster
charliecat · 19/06/2007 11:25

I thought I would get it sorted NOW in the beginning, as when i do get myself a life, beyond the school run, if he thinkg he can come round here on a whim its going to cause hassle later isnt it.
Oh fecking arse.

OP posts:
NuttyMuffins · 19/06/2007 11:24

No you are not being unreasonable. Ideally he should have set days each week so that everyone knows where they stand.

My kids don't know from one day to the next when they will see their dad again and I think it does effect them.
I have tried time and time again to get him to make reg arrangements but he won't, so I have told him that if we have made other plans when he does bother to ring and arrange stuff, that it is tough shit because we won't change them for him.

Original poster
charliecat · 19/06/2007 11:23

He said he doesnt know what hes doing from one day to the next so cant/wont commit to set days.
Er, he finishes work at 6 EVERY NIGHT...its not hard for him to decide to see the kids 1 or 2 of those nights?? plus a day at the weekend???
Is it?

OP posts:
colditz · 19/06/2007 11:23

You aree being reasonable and he is being a cock.

GreebosWhiskers · 19/06/2007 11:22

YANBU

I did this with my ex-h. I put his need to see the kids before everything else & basically lay down & let him use me as a doormat in the ridiculous hope that the more reasonable I was the more likely he'd be to realise that I was better than the tart who'd split our marriage up . When I eventually met dh & realised that I was never going to have a life or a relationship if it kept on I told ex-h that I wanted regular, mutually-agreed access & he went mental as he was quite happy with things as they were. It almost ended me & dh before we'd even got started as he did wonder if it was worth the hassle - thankfully he decided it was

That was 10 years ago & I still wish I'd got it all sorted out straight away & saved myself the hassle. Get a regular agreement in writing if you can. The odd change here & there is fine (say for birthdays, holidays etc) but the kids need a proper structured routine as well.

Good luck with it all.

Anna8888 · 19/06/2007 11:22

It's important for the children and it's vital for you, or else you will end up being their sole carer, unable ever to make any plans for life without children.

If you can't get your ex to see sense on this you must see a lawyer.

elesbells · 19/06/2007 11:21

72 hours? a bit much really i think charlie. i agree some notice is needed (afterall, you do have a life too!) but i think three days notice is a long time...far better to 'set' days with him, then everyone (including your dc's) will know where they are iyswim? and can i just say i think its great you have said he can ring and see them if your not busy!

Original poster
charliecat · 19/06/2007 11:20

Yes, that what ive said, it was nice being able to say to the kids Daddy will be here on Wednesday, instead of, hmm I dont know, will let you know as soon as i know.

OP posts:
Wisteria · 19/06/2007 11:18

It's just as important for them to know which days he's coming as well (otherwise they could end up feeling like they're little possessions being handed around and have no rights of their own). My XH and I have had the same days and nights for the past 7 years - obviously helping each other out where we can when necessary but the kids always know exactly what's going on and always have done.

Anna8888 · 19/06/2007 11:17

Yes, you are reasonable.

You need to work out a regular arrangement and not deviate from it. Otherwise life is unworkable.

Wisteria · 19/06/2007 11:15

No

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