AIBU asking for 72 hours advance warning before XP has the kids?

Charliecat, your ex sounds like mine. He left to live in his own flat, but then thought he could just walz in without letting me know, and without knocking (because after all it was still his house - yes he was helping to pay the mortgage at the beginning until finances were sorted out, but it was no longer his HOME!) I had to ask my solicitor to write to him in the end.

With your ex, he expects to come into your home to visit his children, and also expects you to be there to entertain him at the same time. He needs to know for sure this is NOT ON. You did the right thing in letting him know it is him who will be going out with the children. He is having contact with them and not with you.

I'm not sure about the 72 hour thing, tbh, I would prefer (if it was me) to have set days every week and maybe alternate weekends. That way, you can make arrangements for yourself on the days/nights when you don't have the children. As others have said though, it is still very early days. You do what you need to do to suit yourself and your children. He is being offered reasonable contact, if he doesn't want to accept it, tough on him.

Good luck

Of course you're not being unreasonable.

But as Anniemac says, it's all a question of tone and emphasis. Depending on the attitude on one side and tone on the other, anything can be made ot look reasonable or unreasonable.

Regular, predictable contact is what's best for the children. Irregular sporadic contact is bad - possibly worse than no contact at all, depending on all the other variable factors.

Most adults know that tbh. It's so often a control issue, rather than a contact issue per se.

blimey charlie. It is hard isn't it...but as you said in your original post, it is only a month and you are all feeling your way here.

HG, it'll be all show and bluster I hope. We've had enough floods for this year.

Charliecat. Your ex seems to have problems with the concept of being an ex. An illustration in the form of a solicitors letter would be an excellent start. Get thee to a CAB or similar and document all dealings with this male. Offer structured contact, if he refuses it document that as well. It's not good for you or your kids to be left dangling on a daily basis over the whims of a man who seems to be hell bent on controlling that which he has no right to control.

Agnes

Hope it's not too dramatic agnes!

It's not good for any couple in a split to have the sort of arrangement where one partner can 'expect' to be able to go 'round whenever they want to. The original poster has a life to get on with, and even if that only involves time to get used to being single and fitting everything in right now. To feel like you have to wait on the whims of another person is out of order. This is why structured access is vitally important, and his derision of it is what made me personally call him a twit.

I think that 72 hours notice might be a bit much, but I think that 24 hours at the very least is polite.

Agnes

this is where splits are soooo hard.

If I had to 'apply' to my husband to ask if I may see my son on such and such a day, it would drive me absolutely demented.

Charlie, I'm not getting at you, I realise you are not trying to withold contact; it's just that feeling of going from being a parent who can (if they want!) be with their kids 24/7 to having to arrange it...it is pretty brutal.

Your ex is being a twit.

You, your children and he need to have a sensible arrangement. If he can't see this past his twisted knickers then I suggest you just be 'out' whenever he calls and get yourself sorted with some advice from the CAB or a family law specialist as to setting up structured contact as soon as you can.

Agnes

Keep a record of what you've said and tried to arrange with him Charliecat.

I have had this in the past and now xh chooses 2 day s in the week that suit all of us and then 1 day at the w/e.Its not always the same days though

No, its reasonable to try and set contact days / times of phone calls etc.

If he wants to see them on top of that at other times and calls at hte last minute, he has to accept that you might have plans.

If you'd known he was having them on Sunday, you could ha ve made plans with friends etc.

ITs better fro the children to know when they are seeing their dad too.

YANBU

I think most kids benefit from a bit of certainty in the early days, and this split is very recent. I did think though that if he won't commit to days, you can simply take the view that he can come when he likes, any day, but if he hasn't arranged it then you may not be in. Don't wait for him if you have other things.

I can see one possible pitfall though with this, that if the kids want to see dad they may refuse to come out and about in the hopes that he'll come; if he does, great, if he doesn't, well they are no doubt crushed and disappointed!

I think certainty gives kids in this position a bit of much needed security, personally.

you are not being unreasonable at all, routine and stability is important for your dc. It sounds to me that he wants to have some control over you and your childrens lives. If he wont agree then can you perhaps go to mediation or a solicitor so that it can be sorted out officially

That's great charlie. I just think asking for 72 hours notice would be a hard thing for any parent to hear......but you couldn't be much more accommodating so I'd stick to your guns. It's not too much to ask for him to commit to days, if his working pattern is so regular!

Yes....yabu. It sounds to me as if you are focusing on what YOU want.....does it matter to DCs if daddy pitches up to take them out ? And why 72 hrs...?

I think that the 72 hours notice thing was the wrong path to go down. I know you only said it because of his attitude at the moment but it would drive me mad if I was in his position;

I just think you need to, as others have said, let him know that the kids NEED to know with certainty when they're going to see him and when they're not. I would present it to him as "you can always phone and see if we're in, any day you like; but don't get cross if we're out. But we will keep like clockwork to your arranged days".

I think that's totally reasonable and he is being unreasonable if he finds that difficult. I DO understand though, him finding the 72 hours notice thing unreasonable.

It is an incredibly emotive thing this, though. Ringing your ex to 'ask' to see your own kids puts both ex partners in a guaranteed difficult and blood-pressure-raising position.

My XP was like this so I told him if he'd arranged to come around, he jolly well had to come around (barring unexpected death, disesase or famine scenarios), let me know if he wasn't or not expect me to co-operate for future contact time. He decided that this was too much for me to ask and opted not to come around at all in the end. That's not what you want (I'm guessing) but at the same time you don't want to be walked over. Is it possible for him to collect your LOs from one activity a week and then see them for a day at the weekend? Having to collect them from a third-party might make him realise that things can't be shifted around for his convenience or opt out of the responsibility altogether. You don't have to be totally rigid as regards childcare but it's worth having some rules set down if he's likely to want to change things to suit himself as he goes along.

Well, that is unreasonable in the extreme.

You and the children are not at his disposal to be picked up and put down on a whim.

Did he treat you this way when you lived as a family?