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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my mother letting herself into my house and then cleaning is intrusive?

63 replies

LiliAnjelika · 14/06/2007 20:03

My parents have always had keys to my house - in case of emergencies. Once in a while, they turn up uninvited, or earlier than expected, and let themselves into my house. My mother then proceeds to clean what she obviously thinks of as a sty. Today I came home to my mother opening the door and launching into a long list of all the tasks she'd performed for me. She obviously wanted praise but the truth is I can't bear it, probably because she also has a long history of going through my stuff and I don't trust her. (Last year, she and dad found a credit card bill and presented it to me as evidence of my incompetence etc....there are loads of other examples)Anyway today I explained very civilly that whilst I recognised all her hard work it made me feel very uncomfortable when she cleaned my house as it felt like a criticism of my housekeeping standards. At this point she blew a gasket, called me ungrateful, cried melodramatically, and left. Whenever we argue she always storms out and I always have to apologise. (she's never once said the word sorry!!) On this occasion my dd was looking on and was really upset because her grandma left without saying a proper goodbye.

Should I apologise again or what?

OP posts:
nightowl · 14/06/2007 21:13

not unreasonable. i would go mad if i found out anyone had been in my house..parent or not, just as i would not let myself into my mum's house.

she has a key but has never let herself in.

then again she's scared of technology...and therefore scared of my alarm (just in case )

cornsilk · 14/06/2007 21:11

at cats comment!
My mum used to mind my ds and used to wind me up BIG time and criticise dh's parenting!
But I do think that it's hard for our mum's to change their ways. Maybe you could say that the neighbours thought she was someone breaking in and were about to call the police!

Original poster
LiliAnjelika · 14/06/2007 21:09

I should add they don't have fleas!

Sweetydarling - have thought of this. Think this might work. Elasticwoman - you're right to think that things would blow over eventually if I confronted her but it would take a long time. Months. I'm not kidding. And I do get really upset.

What is it with mothers and daughters?

OP posts:
Original poster
LiliAnjelika · 14/06/2007 21:04

Don't get me wrong cornsilk, I like coming home to a clean house, but it comes at too high a price. The other thing is that the house is pretty clean anyway so it does feel like criticism. Maybe I'm paranoid.(I have recently got myself a cleaner specifically so that my mother can't find much to clean but she always manages to find an almighty list of things.) Her pet hate is my cats. She says she's allergic to flea bites and suggests I have them put down!

OP posts:
SweetyDarling · 14/06/2007 20:55

Could you sneakily steal the keys back? She's probably think she'd lost them then!

Elasticwoman · 14/06/2007 20:54

Lili, your mum is right to take it personally, because it's her personal behaviour that you don't like.

Unless you speak firmly to her and follow up your speech with action (ie get that key off her) she will doubtless continue to abuse your trust and invade your privacy.

I know that's easier said than done, because you probably don't want to cause a family rift. My guess is, if you get the key from her you'll be in her bad books for a while, suffer hurt looks and possibly sarcasm but it will eventually blow over. What do you think would happen - after the first tantrum? (Hers not yours of course!)

lizziemun · 14/06/2007 20:54

I would go round ro your mums when she out and do her tidying up and go through her personnel belongings, and when she gets back answer the door with list of things you have done and show her her paperwork. Then she complains about it just say well now you know how we feel and this is how we well behave in future.

I have keys to mums and mum has keys to mine, but we don't go into each other house unless we have ask or have been asked to do something. I have to say mum does live around the corner.

cornsilk · 14/06/2007 20:50

She sounds like my mum, whenever she babysits she irons everything she can get her hands on even tho' I tell her not to. Sometimes it winds me up but I try to remind myself that she's only trying to help and it's just her way. I am also secretly pleased! Can't help thinking that I would be delighted to come home to an unexpectedly clean house!

southeastastra · 14/06/2007 20:49

my mum was very nosey and would probably have done the same, you have to make a decision whether to accept it and grow to like her attention, or laying down the rules now

Original poster
LiliAnjelika · 14/06/2007 20:43

southeastastra - she's 69 but quite young physically. I think her problem is partly the fact that she's bored and frustrated with her life. My dad is much older in spirit.

OP posts:
Elasticwoman · 14/06/2007 20:36

Difficult one Lili. She will either "go off on one" if you ask for the key back, or "go off on one" when you next point out the unacceptability of her behaviour with your key.

Personally I'd rather put up with the former.

We hold a key to my v. aged in-laws' house, and I would never think of intruding unless there really were an emergency.

I think it makes much more sense for spare keys to be held by near neighbours.

Original poster
LiliAnjelika · 14/06/2007 20:34

Chirpy girl - my dad is a doormat I'm afraid. He kept on whispering 'time to back down' to me as she was having a go! Now that they've gone home I know he'll get it in the neck poor bastard.

I'm thinking of writing her a short letter explaining that it's not about the cleaning per se but about the fact that she doesn't allow me to express my feelings about it without taking it personally etc... Don't want to bring up the trust issue as we've been there too many times before. She just doesn't get the concept of privacy or boundaries by the way. She always says that privacy is for people who've got something to hide!

OP posts:
southeastastra · 14/06/2007 20:28

how old is she lilangelika?

my mil hangs out our washing (and knickers!) if i'm not in. sometimes they like to feel useful, but going through personal stuff isn't on.

Original poster
LiliAnjelika · 14/06/2007 20:28

God, I am lucky it's not my MIL I suppose! Like the idea of moving cities - seriously! We're already 50 miles away but it's only 45 mins by car...

OP posts:
Chirpygirl · 14/06/2007 20:27

ComeOVeneer
'So we moved to the neighbouring county'
Yeah, tried that, we moved to a neighbouring country...it still didn't work.

Changing the locks is quite an obvious way of saying what you are thinking without actually saying it IYSWIM so if you think that will amke things worse you are probably right.
Can you not talk to your dad and ask him to have a word?

LaDiDaDi · 14/06/2007 20:26

Oh and keep all of your financial stuff in a locked box to which only you have the key!

MadamePlatypus · 14/06/2007 20:25

You are absolutely right. Your mother is in the wrong. Don't apologise. She needs to realise that she is the mother of a grown up daughter who can run her own life, not the mother of a little girl, or indeed a little girl herself.

LaDiDaDi · 14/06/2007 20:24

YANBU.

My mother is very like yours, she's great in many ways and dp and I couldn't be without her and the help that she gives us in looking after dd but sometimes she does take it a little too far.

Things have improved now that I have a cleaner, so that she knows that once a week the place gets a proper clean and also now that I just say "that's nice" to any other domestic chores that she does around the house. No "Oh great, you really shouldn't have.." etc as I think it just used to encourage her. If she does something that irritates, like taking away dd's washing to do at her house I just say "You really shouldn't have done that as it's messed up my plan to wash those things with dp's and my whites, now I will have to do a half load and it's not very economical." I try to give her a reason for not doing it that isn't just because I don't want her too iyswim, I think she finds the criticism easier that way and doesn't get huffed too much.

toomuchtodo · 14/06/2007 20:24

on second thoughts lilli send her round to mine

toomuchtodo · 14/06/2007 20:23

my MIL used to let herself into my house unnanounced and she never even came to clean [grrr]

don't think the op is being unreasonable, parent should respect your space

Original poster
LiliAnjelika · 14/06/2007 20:23

She would definitely work out what I was up to if I changed the locks and yes she would go off on one! Note to Kay Samuels: she also found a pay slip a couple of years back which proved I only worked part-time (hadn't got round to telling them this at the time, as again, I knew it would cause ructions!!)

I'm half thinking of telling them not to let themselves into my house in future on account of my dp's sensibilities. He is furious about it, especially as today, she answered his phone when he rang in to check his messages!

God, I feel like such a bitch though. She did do quite a lot of stuff etc....

OP posts:
colditz · 14/06/2007 20:21

YANBU

Just ask her for the keys back. Let her throw anopther hissy fit - her behavior is bad.

binkleandflip · 14/06/2007 20:21

Well, how about this!

When we were on holiday last year my MIL brought three polish cleaners to my house to give it a going over without my knowledge or permission I wouldn't have known but one of them broke my slow cooker (put it, plug and all) in the dishwasher GGGGRRRRR!!!!

maisemor · 14/06/2007 20:20

Ohhh, but I think I would probably go with what KaySamuel and ChirpyGirl are saying. Much more fun

imamummy · 14/06/2007 20:20

Changing your locks seems rather a pain (and expense) if it can be avoided.
Do you have keys to her house too? Why don't you start making changes there like adding unattractive ornaments?!!
More seriously, at first I just thought how nice she cleans for you until I read further and this does seem a tricky issue. Sorry am not more help!

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