To think that my mother letting herself into my house and then cleaning is intrusive?

And no, you're not being remotely unreasonable OP. I'd ask for my keys back if I were you - it's a blatant abuse of trust IMO. Once things have calmed down perhaps you should explain to her - how would she feel if you went round to her place and cleaned while she were out? Also - this is how you run your house. She may not approve but that's not the point - you're an adult.

And yes of course if you do this, it'll cause confrontation but if you don't, will you be able to be sure she isn't coming round when you're out? And I'm not sure having a confrontation isn't a good thing in the long run - I think she needs to understand how completely unacceptable her behaviour is.

Sorry if I'm ranting - have just had a phone convo with my mother which has totally pissed me off

How far away does your mother live? My parents and ILs do not have keys to our house because they are not local, although I have leant them a set occasionally. A neighbour/friend has a key. This is good because she is a SAHM so around quite a bit. Was good this week when DH locked himself out and I was at work 23 miles away.

I am still cringing over your mother's behaviour re your diary age 16, Lili.

My mother was totally against sex before marriage but I can't imagine her doing that. When I was 21 and went on holiday with my boyfriend, she said on my return: "Weren't you lucky to find 2 single rooms in every B&B you went?" even though I had claimed no such thing. It's just what she wanted to believe.

agree need to set boundaries. Choose a time and place where all is calm to raise it though. Using prases like "I feel this way when ..." really helps. Looking on bright side, my now ex boyfriend's mother once let herself into our house and rearranged the furniture in the sitting room

Allowing your mother to keep the keys is still allowing her to have power. You'll never 'win' this until you establish boundaries. She has already shown a blatant disregard for your wishes, why would she start to take notice now?

You really have to take control, even if it means she sulks for a few weeks.

Agnes

Def not unreasonable.

I agree probabl best to talk to her about it, but if you cant and want your keys back, and want to avoid a confrontation, then could you perhaps pretend to have locked yourself out and take the keys back, and if she asks say oh I gave them to a friend who lives nearer.

You are not being unreasonable at all.

But I think unless you deal with this/ her it will keep repeating itself.

I would be so annoyed - my mum is unlikely to clean but would be very capable of nosing about. Hence no keys. We cope with just a set each - would you be comfortable with that?

I don't think you should apologise.

I think it is one thing helping you out by doing the cleaning / washing or whatever for you (but only after asking if you need / would like help), another thing completely noseying around.

I think you need to have a "talking to" with her.

If my mother lived nearby I wouldn't dream of doing what your mther does to you. It is none of my business her and my dad's affairs, and neither is your business any concern of your mother's.

Good luck,

this is why I don't give my Mum or MIL a key. (although my Mum would never clean - probably make herself a cup of tea and nose around!!) I have friends who live locally who have spares.

MT is right - you have to take control - you are not a child.

My mum used to do this too, thankfully we live an 8 hr car journey away from her now and she can't do it.

My dad cut down our trees in the back garden once which dh was trying to grow and he couldn't understand why dh was livid.

They also used to come and stay for a fortnight at a time, as it was "too much travelling for a week".

That's bad isn't it. I know they mean well but it makes you feel like they think you are not capable of doing it yourself. Me and my sister had trouble resently because our mum would come round our houses and steal money, she once went in my purse!

Def get the locks changed and see how she handles it. You can then either be airy fairy about getting a new set to her at some stage ( and never getting around to it ) or explain that you are uncomfortab;le about her letting herself in. No apologies and any hissy fit is HER choice. My mum is the queen of passive aggressive too!
Oh and buy LOTS more cats !!!!

my mum painted our front door a different colour while we were on holiday !!

no you are NOT being unreasonable...the thought of this makes me cringe!

I'd die if my mum did this

Last summer my MIL kept dropping hints about me being pregnant (I wasn't). Eventually I found that whilst we were on holiday she had rummaged through our things (we had asked her to keep an eye on the house) and had found the old pregnancy test that I had kept when I tested positive with ds and assumed it was more recent . Mothers and mother in laws cannot really be trusted with keys.

My sister once redecorated my nieces flat whilst she was at work and wondered why she wasn't grateful!

Could you use your dp as an excuse? Say he's concerned about security or whatever and ask for the key back. Sounds like your mum needs to get a life, I mean that in a nice way, could she join a hobby club or something so she hasn't got time or energy to interfere in yours?

My mother in law while staying (lives too far for day trip) had a copy of our house keys cut for herself to use. I just asked for them back as soon as she was leaving, I know she'd have like to keep them but was too shamefaced. I blamed security worries on it.

She is acting like a child, so you should treat her like a child. If she starts blowing a gasket, calling you ungrateful, crying etc. then just say to her "I can't hear you or understand you when you talk like that. You need to talk calmly so I can hear and understand you. If you need 5 minutes to calm down, I am happy to wait, but I am not willing to be spoken to in this way".

You need to get your keys back. You seem to have tried conversation so direct action is next. If she throws a wobbler just leave her to it, but refuse to change your stance. If your dad asks you to 'back down' calmly inform him that you have done so far too many times already and that it is now your mother's turn to do it. Keep your calm and your mother may realise what an ass she is being. If she refuses to give the keys back, then tell her you are changing the locks and she will not be getting a set of the new keys. Then follow through.

To be frank, even if she does give you your keys back I would get new locks. Her sneaky behaviour suggests to me the kind of person who'll have a spare set of them anyway.

I have a key to my mum's. I use it rarely, usually if they're away and we pop through to make sure all's well and clear the junk-mail away from behind the door. Or if they're out when we arrive and they're expecting us. It's a stand-by thing. They don't have mine, nor have they asked for it.

Agens

i think the only solution as she wont seem to stop letting herself in, i would find it an invasion of privacy, it has happened to me...is to change locks. would she listen otherwise?
i really couldnt stand it.

i dont think your being unreasonable at all. but i think your mum still wants o 'mother' you.
just tread carefully as she probably thinks shes being a big help