Ungrateful f#cker!

I think I am guilty of this sometimes. For example, dh bathed the kids on Thursday night whilst I was at spin cycle [me time!]

When I came home, with my sister in tow, he had left the bath water in the bath, left the dirty clothes on the bathroom floor & dd had been put to bed with wet hair.. I had a go at him Never mind that he had saved me from bathing them in the morning before school

However, I am always greatful to him when he does things like leaving washing away, emptying the dishwasher.. he doesn't wipe the table after dinner etc... but it's all ebb & flow isn't it, as I piss him off when I move his tools, or throw out the paper before he has read it...

You have definitely given me something to think about Lostpuppy

LostPuppy - I do not think you are being unreasonable and if my DP just did one of the things that you do in the morning it would be a godsend! I work full time and so does he - but I do everything with regard to DD apart from one night a week when DP picks her up from nursery so I can go to the gym...! He has never bathed her, changed her or got any of her dinners ready. I think your DW is a very lucky lady and you show her some of the comments on this thread to prove it!

I think you do a huge amount because you work full time too.
You are not being unreasonable.
Maybe, however, she is angry about something and that is why she jumps on you. Doesn't make it ok though...

Lost Puppy

I am sorry that you have been ticked off.

Your situation does sound unfair. Think you should talk to her about it and maybe some relationship counselling?

Would it be possible for the children to spend a day a week in nursery or something just to enable DW to be able to do something for herself? Sounds like she is suffering from low self esteem.

So you need to discuss how to handle it when you are running late without rowing in front of the kids, then. Preferably at night after the kids are in bed rather than in the morning...

I don't think seeing your parents row is the end of the world if you see them apologising and making up, btw. And if the row doesn't get completely OTT.

Sorry, asks, not askes!

Xenia, this isn't the right place to debate the old SAHM vs WM chestnut. The OP askes for advice on a specific problem, not a lifestyle choice. Sorry, don't mean to be harsh but it's an interesting thread and I'd hate to see it degenerate into an age-old argument.

Lostpuppy, sometimes when someone is feeling unhappy they take it out on those closest because they feel they can (as in they wont leave etc). Is your dw happy/ok at the moment. Has she always had high expectations or is this a recent change in behaviour?

Xenia, what if people believe that having a parent at home to bring up their own children is best for them? As I do. I'm a stay at home mum through choice, I gave birth to my children and wanted to bring them up myself not pass them over to someone else. I don't think it matters who stays at home (once breastfeeding is over as this is also important if you can do it) but for us it was always the plan that I would and I chose that. When the children are all at school I'll work again but I still want to be here for them when they get home from school to help them with homework, any troubles and generally be there to parent them.

Agree it may well be the frustration of having to finish off jobs someone else is feeling very virtuous for half-doing. Plus it sounds like she's really not a morning person - is she a lot nicer in the evenings? Dh and I sometimes end up rowing in the morning because I am NOT a morning person and he gets in my way/starts faffing around doing things that don't need doing right now rather than doing the urgent stuff in order to get ds off to school (he makes me a cup of tea which is very important but apart from that I'm lucky if he chucks ds a toothbrush).

Suggest you have a chat about not rowing in front of the kids - something ridiculous like putting a cross on the noticeboard to remind you to have a row later might be absurd enough to make you both giggle and forgive each other. Or at least have a chat when you are both calmer. And discuss morning routine and what would work for you both.

If this thread was about a husband I bet everyone would be sympathising with the op, I've noticed this before, the double standards.

I would certainly never recommend couples have the 1950-s model of wife at home and husband working. It's a recipe for disaster in 2007 and most couples avoid it like the plague for obvious reasons but the original post here is more about personal relationships in general and not treating people nicely which we all shoudl try to do.

Tihe solutino is to get her back to full time work as soon as possible. Being a housewife is just too depressing for many women.

Look, the best person to talk to is your wife. Get someone to mind the kids, sit down and discuss it as calmly as you can, explain how you're both feeling so you can move past it. It sounds like you both want the workload to be more or less equally shared, so just talk it out and make it happen, even if it means a dreaded rota!

Ah okay! I actually assumed it was going to be a rant about a friend!

Maybe she is just fed up, and feels her lige is mundane. Never mind the helping out with the children and giving them their IQ oil - what about arranging dinner at a nice restaurant and a babysitter?
I am sure you are not one of these, but there is a tendency amongst some men to assume that changing a baby's nappy or stacking the dishwasher means a blow job at the very least.

so, let me get this right.... you have a full time job and she is a SAHM?

She is critical of you because you don't do enough?

that right?

In our house, dp goes out to work at his full time job, and I stay at home with the kids.

He does help out, but I don't expect him to do anything. It's my job to get everything done, and anything that he does for me is a bonus.

I for one don't think you're being unreasonable and I think the thread title is appropriate.

Actually babieseverywhere has a good point. If a job is done half-arsed then it may as well not be done, there's nothing more frustrating than having to say re-wash the pots because you discover your dp has washed up in cold water using the wrong sponge, or hoovers the middle of the carpet but none of the edges, or puts some washing on but leaves a pair of dirty knickers gusset side up halfway down the stairs which you only notice AFTER your visitors have gone.

and breaaaaathe....

I would also like to say that the title of this thread shows a less than respectful attitude towards your wife.

Do you expect too much gratitude from her?

she should be more nice to you and not pick about the small things, lots of men would use going to work as an excuse not to do a thing around the house so she is lucky to have you.

you seem to realise what she does for you so I can see why you would want her to notice the effort you make for her.

How is she managing in general? Maybe she feels that you're all in control and can manage everything and she feels she can't compete so when you get things "wrong" she jumps on it to make herself feel better.

Or she might just be an ungrateful cow!

You know your wife, is there something deeper going on or not?