Ungrateful f#cker!

no no no... I've have been dragged in. Will not discuss SAHM vs WOHM...
Will not discuss SAHM vs WOHM...
Will not discuss SAHM vs WOHM...

BUT - Caroline1852 I find that comment offensive (and I'm not even Xenia), which one of those statements (number of children or going out to work) do you feel should be grounds for divorce?

Oh please let's not turn this into another attack Xenia thread! I lurked for long enough before joining and surely everyone must have it out of their system by now!

Disagree Xenia because you can have both spouses working and one of them may still end up doing the bulk of the domestic chores. I think it is about habits,expectations, attitudes and respect.

I work part-time and my DH works full time. We have divided the domestic chores between ourselves. DH cleans the bathroom and cloakroom every week, empties bins, and does all the DIY work . I do all the clothes washing, ironing and vacuuming. We share the cooking, gardening, general cleaning and dusting and rearing of our DTS. I know what is expected of him and vice versa.

I don't think it's unreasonable at all for you to feel narked off. Parents do different things, and try to complement one another. If someone doesn't have time to do something, the other person picks it up - it's the way these things work.

You should remind her about all the stories on here of people's DHs who do NOTHING in the house all week while they are at work, and some who then also spend all weekend out at the golf or football, citing the fact that they have been at work all week. And all the women on here who MOAN constantly about this!!

It's not good to get into "competitive housework" - there will always be some things you do and some thigns DW does, and you help each other. DW does all the hoovering and I do all the lawn-mowing, for example; I do 80% of the cooking because I work from home and she works out of home; we split the school-run; etc, etc.

I think there is somethinmg in Xenia's response.
Parenting is a long grinding gruelling cycle of repetitive jobs with very little 'sense of achievement' that comes with the quick win of celebrating the end of a succesful project, say. Yes, i know, lots of pleasures, milestones. delights, too - but maybe your DW is resenting (even without knowing it) that you are about to depart and leave her with the rest of the day.

I can absolutely see why you are feeling badly treated - you are. And she shouldn't be stirring things up in front of the cjhildren - but that's what makes me feel she might be a bit emotionally in some sort of mini-skid over it rather than meaning to treat you so rudely and critically.

Don't bring it up in the heat of the moment. Can you manage to spoend some couple time together do something nice, and also talk about how the daily grind affects you both, and how you feel about this?

but Xenia - if his DW's issue is that she doesn't really want to be at home then she has to be grown up enough to say so and for them to work something else out. I don't think thats the issue here at all, I think its control.

In an ideal world both partners take an equal share of the chores before work (whether thats work at home or at work away from home), after work and at weekends. That sounds like your approach too lostpuppy? The issue seems to be your DW l;ack of fliexibility (we're all late sometimes and need to be cut a bit of slack, aren't we?) and perhaps also an issue of you not doing things the way she wants them done.

However in my world there is no DP to share chores so, as I said, open door here for you LP...

Xenia - Do you think the pressures of having five children and you not wanting to be a SAHM were contributory factors in the demise of your marriage?

My first post did say this was about treating people with respect and not being rude to each other which is really what it comes down to.

There is however the important political issue - that the person working and earning often does feel the other is a lucky so and so to sit arounda t home. Another issue is the extent of the housewife job - you;'ll see on this thread - some think it's to do everything whilst he does all the work. Other housewives are as lazy as anything and the man gets home and does his own second shift with teh hoover. The inherent inequality in the one person earns and the other serves model is the flaw.

Xenia - do you cut and paste the same speech into every thread regardless of the topic?

Not sure that I've seen you say anything different.

I object to the she should be thankful or she's lucky comments. Personally, I chose the kind of husband I could rely upon for support in all areas of life, be my best friend, closest confidante and above all be willing to adapt and change as our life circumstances changed and I would also bring all these things as a wife. There was no luck involved and I wouldn't put up with the kind of husband that my own dad was to my mum.

And while I treat him with respect and thank him for things I don't go out of my way to be so thankful or grateful or think myself lucky just because other men are not the same.

But this thread has brought up something I think is often an issue in relationships. That the partner, usually the wife, expects the husband to have the same "standards" as she does and the same priorities. My DH will often need reminding of things, that's who he is, so I remind him, I don't get bitter or pissy because he doesn't remember. I also know his idea of cleaning and my idea of cleaning are different, he just doesn't see some things or think of them as important. So I am happy that he does what he does and will ignore the other bits or do them myself. A job mostly done takes less time to finish than it would take to do it all myself. And so he has a life without constant nagging and I have a life where things get mostly done and I don't get all bitter inside about it.

But his problem stems from making his wife do a dross unpaid boring job (cleaning up and looking after children). No wonder she's fed up. Thus work for her is the solution. If he wants a parent at home then he knows what to do - resign and become the house husband.

Ok, I will confess that I nipped at dh this morning because last night he said that he'd give ds his breakfast (and actually went on about it a bit as obv otherwise he wouldn't get to feed him). This morning he said he didn't have time but did get up and change his nappy after I fed him earlier on.

I was grumpy about it as I was looking forward to getting that little bit of time in bed and 15 minutes quiet time to myself. As soon as ds gets up that's me "on". I'm not a morning person and probably find this time the hardest part of the day.

But, I think it's completely fair enough for you to share chores & care when you're not at work. SAHM/SAHD shouldn't = work 24/7. So while your dw shouldn't nip (but we're all human) I don't think she's particularly lucky that you do all this stuff for your home and kids. We should all be able to expect it.

Definitely worth a chat to see if she needs a break from home/kids and this is why she's taking it out on you. It can all get a bit relentless sometimes and it's difficult to communicate this to someone who's not in the middle of it. Sometimes that tiny bit of time that delays the start of the day feels very, very precious.

lostpuppy, you have reminded me I need to appreciate my dh more. He does not do any of what you do in the mornings (he works ft, me pt but currently at home on maternity leave). But he is pretty much flatout with childcare and chores when he gets home and weekends.

Is your dw feeling that you have the easier time by being able to go out to work? I personally find working much easier than being at home with children - like a holiday. So when my dh complains he is tired or does a half-baked job at home, I think well at least you got to "rest" by being at work, so what is your excuse? He gets to go for nice lunches, read on the train, sit at the computer without little beings crawling all over the keyboard.

Maybe your dw thinks the division of work is unfair? Truth is, both of you are probably working flatout anyway ( I assume your sons are below or around 5), but the grass just seems greener ... It is a tough time

I'm like this .

If he cooks dinner, he cooks the wrong dinner for them (lack of veg etc), if he does bedtime, clothes are randomly dumped where they stood etc - and it is that that I comment on rather than the job being done.

It is wearing though to be finishing jobs all the time.

With this morning and the child dressing/dishwasher - I think I would have felt the same tbh. If you always change DS2, and she always puts the dishes away and it suddenly changes it throws you, and it seems a bigger deal than it its (rationally, yes the dishes was a quicker job to do, but in the moment it just seems like you are saying you're late but then still faffing about iyswim).

You do deserve thanks though - but not everyone thanks in the same way. I don't often say a direct "thank you", but I will do little things that show I am grateful.

LP, you sound like my DH who does a lot for our 3yo DTS. I think your DW is being unreasonable and should be grateful for your efforts because a lot of guys out there do absolutely nothing.

I also agree with JodieG about the double standards on this thread. If it was the man behaving like that, many posters would be baying for his blood rather than trying to understand him.

~By your reasoning it would be better if I did bugger all. That way I couldnt upset her by doing half a job, right?~

Yes, I do believe that if you do a job you do it properly or not at all.

I bet if you asked your wife, she would rather you did one job properly, in a complete way and never needed reminding about it...than to do 6/7 jobs half arsed.

Thanking her lucky stars is going a bit far though

Lost Puppy, I am with Squonk!
However, I suppose some of the others had a point when they said you and your wife need to talk!
ROFLMAO at Xenia....you couldn't resist bringing the whole working out of the home mum vias SAHM thing into this then, lol!

Oh dear, you dw is very ungrateful isn't she. She should count her lucky stars that she has such a caring and considerate husband. I think you need to be firmer with her and not put up with such nasty bullying behaviour.

Lolly - I don't mean to cause offense, but your partner's deficiencies don't mean that normal parenting is saintly.