Ungrateful f#cker!

Xenia gets top marks for not wasting time taking things personally. A quality in short supply, imo! Perhaps explains somee of her focus and clarity.

I think a lot of this is to do with expectations. My DH is a tidy freak and everything must be in its place. Me, OTOH, can live with a book lying on the table for an afternoon rather than being in the bookcase.

I have my way of doing things and DH has his way. We know this because we have discussed it and so we compromise. I try to be more tidy and he tries to be more relaxed when the book does not go back on the shelf within 10 seconds of me having read it.

You need to find out why your DW is grumpy and she needs to explain why she is dissatisfied with your efforts.

As Blu said, talk, talk, talk.

I have to say xenia, I have no idea what you do in your career but you're a very calm person, and no matter what anyone says about you you never take it as a personal attack or attack back at all, so kudos to you for that!

How do you stay so calm? Is it valium? (joking!)

To be fair, and harking back to when my children were that small, your wife's reactions are probably a combination of a large number of different factors.

I am assuming (sorry have not read all thread) she stays at home with your little ones all day, having previously had a job. She is probably feeling slightly envious that you do these things she does all day every day, before going to work- ie you are perfectly capable of doing in a half hour what she has to do all day. Being alone with small wilful children all day can be unbelievably disempowering, and she is possibly dreading being left alone with them all day while you go out to have an adult life (and that seems like fun from the point of view of the person left at home).

She may be envious that you can still find all these things that you do in the morning fun, and are able to do them lightly when they seem like mountainous tasks. It may not be rational, but seeing the porridge smeared all over the kitchen table and toddler again for her to clear up is absolutely dispiriting. I am thinking possibly that she may be slightly depressed. This is not uncommon in young mothers at this stage.

I suppose that her small lie-in and bath in the morning are probably the only me-time she gets all day.

Her reactions are ot about how much you do. They are much more about her feelings of helplessness at the moment. I'd say that what she needs, really really needs is more me-time- maybe a weekend or even a week away alone, and regular dates alone with you. She needs to feel like an adult again, rather than just the mother of small of children.

It is a difficult situation for you, but you may have to take the lead in resolving it, and continue to love despite her seemingly unreasonable comments. Good luck to you, and good strength.

I'm interested to hear what you think counts as criticism though, lostpuppy.

Sometimes when I try to explain to my dp WHY he's done a job badly I get accused of over-explaining and nagging, yet if I don't then how is he supposed to know why I'm annoyed, and how is he supposed to get better?

Perhaps she's snappy because she's tired of saying the same thing over and over, or because she's scared of making you flounce off in a strop if she does bring something up? (I have no idea, I can only speak from my own experience)

Perhaps try paying attention to the way she does things a bit more? or make yourself a list if you tend to forget things. Personally I'm trying to nag less and thank my dp more, but it means that I have to bite my tongue a LOT.

"This, for me, is about knowing your husband and understanding that criticising him is not the way to make him want to carry on helping out as much as he does.

I'm not saying I want a medal, I just dont want to be told off like a child for getting a small detail wrong occasionally "

yes, this is the nub of it -it's about how you feel, not what you do or how well you do it.

Does she know how you feel when she does this? Conversely, Do you compliment her on her parenting? Talk, talk, talk!

They think she wants it but at the back of her subconscious of course she'd prefer to work, to get the money, kudos and all the things Blu says. If you probe deeper you might find resentments about being home which could be solved by her working and you giving up work.

(C, don't think so; we never got on very well right from the start, sadly. We never argued about money or work or children though as like someone else said on the thread we did the normal thing when you're both home you share the domestic work and childcare. It's when the working man spends the weekends playing golf and thinks he gets 2 days off a week when his houswife wife works 7 days a week that huge unfairness slips in which no woman ought to tolerate)

I think you need to lose the 'she should be grateful' attitude ('Criticising your spouse when they are doing fairly tankless and shitty tasks is likely to make them consider such offers'). There are no medals for looking after your own kids. However, dh and I do say 'thanks' to each other when we are helping each other out. But it's a shared responsibility.

I'm a grumpy sod in the mornings but it works out because dh is grumpy in the evenings. Although that could be where we are going wrong, given we don't actually see each other in the middle except at weekends.

In your OP you say "I think I shall work to rule" - what rule is that then?

Was not meaning to be offensive to Xenia at all. As soon as a SAHM is mentioned she immediately assumes that there is some deep rooted dissatisfaction on the part of the woman (or at least should be). Am therefore wondering whether she has been sensitised by her own experiences.
And back to the OP. Why should she thank him for dressing his child before he goes off to work? Having children requires you to be on the same team, working for a common good. It is not necessary to go round thanking each other for changing that smelly nappy or encouraging child B to brush his teeth. To do so sort of acknowledges that one of the partnership is doing the chores of the other which is surely not the case since children are a shared responsiblity.

lost puppy....
dh is like you..helps out big time in mornign (and evenings and weekends)..works full time and i am sahm..i dont do jobs the way he does and vice versa and its important to realise this..
..criticising/arguments in morning ..there is just no time / no need for this..crap way to start day too..

as F&Z said..does she have some 'me' time? now and again?
and definately a meal out to discuss things including manner in which issues are addressed ie not shouting arguing infront of kids..and any other stuff including, of course her gripes...

book meal it now! do it today!

Sadly, LostPuppy, my DH may be a hopeless, selfish git, but I know he loves me to bits, as I do him, and I think it would be a little crowded if you came along too! Seriously, though - I think that if at all possible you need to try to have some time alone with your DW away from home and chat through these issues. My DH also says that it's pointless him doing anything to help because he can never live up to my high standards so he always gets yelled at, and he does have a point. I'm a stroppy mare (so you don't really want to live with me!)

Lostpuppy no you are not being unreasonable. BUT if she wrote down why she was stressed out and snapped, we would probably all say that she was not being unreasonable either.

Your comment "I just feel like no matter what I do it isn't good enough" is thrown at me all the time by DH (back to the jobs half-done thing) and to be honest it ISN'T good enough from where I stand, but doesn't mean he isn't (and you aren't) doing his best.

Take deep breath, head down to Waterstones and pick up "How to babyproof your marriage" Might not get you the answers but think you should have a read. I did, and felt much better for seeing both sides of the arguments (and very funny book as well)

Hey I asked first! And I live in lovely leafy Kew...

I do 100% of the housework and the teeth cleaning and the breakfast (etc etc) but I'm happy because I don't criticise myself when I leave it half finished (often) or skip the boring bits (often).

Xenia,
if you look back you will see that LP has stated that he and his wife both want her to be the one at home with the children rather than leaving them with a string of nannies. This is not the issue. You have an obsession with this don't you?

oops wrong thread!

LostPuppy, leave your DW and come and live with me. You can bring your DSs if you must. I think you sound fab, and I will lavish praise and appreciation on you when you do all of that for me. My DH gets up, downs the cup of tea I've made him, shaves, whosers and legs it off to work. I, on the other hand, make the breakfast, packed lunches, stack the dishwasher, make sure the DDs have got everything they need, write the necessary cheques/sign forms, take DD2 to school, then go to work - late. I think you're fab!

I think bitching from both sides is awful.
At the School gates some of my friends will snigger and say 'oh look so and so has had a boob job' and it makes me cringe. (I feel that some people know too when theyr'e being taked about and i hate it, i often shh people.)
I have a sister who has always done this to me just picking away. I didn't like the most fashionable clothes or music and i liked poetry. Always little sniggers and comments. I'm getting married soon and i don't want her to halp me get ready as i know there'll be a comment thrown in somewhere.
I really truly beleive life is way too short to be bothered about how other people look.