Ungrateful f#cker!

Caroline, you haven't lost the plot
just overlooked this post

LP, You have said numerous times that staying at home is a thankless, shitty job . Yes it sucks sometimes, but its not that bad!!! Its a bit of a concern that you both seem to have the attitude that its just a huge burden. Its life!!!

havent' read the thread, been too busy skivvying, but it seems to me that mrslostpuppy is pissed off about the ownership of the relentless drudgery.

Mr lostpuppy is "helping out", so mrslostpuppy is being helped out, ergo it is her ultimate responsibility and I think she's pissed off that it is not a JOINT ownership of responsibility of the grinding drudgery such as wiping up porridge and doling out vitamins.

And yes, she should stop criticising and being sarcastic to mr lostpuppy, but she is a lady and she is obliged to do so, she just hasn't learned to do it inaudibly yet. Give her time

I have had this thread open since 10am reading in between other things and have not managed to read it all yet
I think someone on how I feel about this.

DP quite often does things that and says he is helping but he either does half the job which means I still have to go and finish it off or he does something that I am not needing done and then complains I am throwing it back in my face when I mention anything. THe point being he NEVER asks what kind of help I need, if it is 7pm and nobody has been in the bath yet I need help getting the pyjamas out and the bath run not for him to go to the shop for bread or empty the dishwasher. Are you atually doing the things she needs or wants to be done???

I know you are saying that you don't do it for praise but in all honesty it does sound like you are making out you are doing a huge favour to her. IT is the same as when my next door neighbour said he hung up the washing for his DW but what he failed to think about was that he dirtied just as many clothes on the line as her so how is he doing it for her??? Men seem to be under the impression that they need praise and thanks for doing the washing up or whatever but they make the mess too they made the babies too and so they should make some kind of conribution to clearing it up.

I do the majority of household things during the week becasue dp is not here in the day and they need done but at the weekends I expect him to make more of a contribution. He has tried the it is my weekend I need to relax but I soon beat that out of him because these things need to be done no matter what day it is.

I remember your other post about your dw losing it with ds and you said it was out of character. Is it possible she is feeling a bit down at the moment?? She may be feeling low and just taking it out on other things.

I have not read the whole thread. The title of the piece is ungrateful f*ker and it is about a man who does chores but feels unappreciated by his SAH wife. Who is the ungrateful f*ker then, as I seem to have lost the plot?

petit, I agree with you there.
The balanced advice on this thread has been really uplifting.
Particularly from another Dad's POV!

DaddyJ, I retract that comment then, serves me right for not reading the whole thread. However, having read the real reason - it is a bit sad to assume we are all on here searching for threads about evil husbands so we can all stand round the cauldron rubbing our hands with glee while we slate them.
They need to reassess how they do things in the mornings and spread the load more evenly. She should stop criticising him as he's obviously trying which is more than some people. And, they need to talk about why she feels she can needs/deserves some time off in the mornings (probably she sees this is her 'head space' time) Anyway, I'm off for a bit now........

Having said that, the title is pretty provocative, no doubt.

And so is calling the McCanns 'parents' (in inverted commas) and a 'disgrace'.
And calling people who sleep-trained their los using CC 'heartless bastards'.
(Did I not like that, you SickPuppy )

My point is that LP is a man who is not afraid to stand up for his opinions.
And neither, it appears, is his wife.

So given what we think we know about them I would say to you LP:
Next time you feel violated by her comments, tell her. Be yourself.
Your children will suss you out sooner or later - and like I said,
I personally don't think there is anything wrong with expressing a critical opinion.

Xenia - sure, we're not perfect and it's a good thing to show our children that we do sometimes make mistakes too. And can apologise for them and move on without it being a big deal.

But I do aim to have a calm, reasoned environment at home with lots of explanation and laughter at human folly, rather than a permanent state of repressed anger and resentment that sometimes explodes

I certainly am sure that's an ideal -"shouldn't get upset and vent anger or burst into tears in front of their children." but you'd have to be some kind of robotic clone not to do that. To some extent children should know that sometimes adults are cross or upset. We can't rein it all in in normal life.

To be fair to LP, he did explain his choice of thread name -
and he did not mean his wife.

DaddyJ I disagree with you. Minor rows/arguments yes, screaming matches no. Btw I wasn't suggesting either of them went for counselling, just relating it to my own personal experience.
I agree with the poster that commented on LP calling his wife an ungrateful f**ker. I know couples whose relationships are not great but neither of them would use that kind of terminology to describe their partners however pissed off they were/are with them. My dh gets pretty annoyed with me but he wouldn't ever talk about me to other people like that and I wouldn't about him. It is a bit extreme.

Blimey, LP, just read some of the posts, i bet you wish you never started this! I think MN is a good place to rant about partners, i would do so about mine but of course he is perfect, yeah right, just like me . Why oh why oh why does every thread that happens to include a SAHM mum have to be hijacked!!!! I do think you should talk to DW, i imagine if you point out her behaviour, or show her my post explaining what a lazy bitch I AM, then she will think, bugger me - this isnt a fair divide. You are right about arguing in front of the children though, i hate that.

Yes, from what LP has posted on both threads
I think his main concern are the kids.

Now that is a very interesting question:
How much conflict should children witness?

Experiencing heated arguments occasionally AND their resolution is quite healthy.
Violent altercations on a regular basis are obviously not healthy,
that's where the counselling should come in.

lostpuppy - will you come and live with me? You sound like a wonderful dad - your post does make DW sound a little ungrateful yes. BUT in her defense, i am much the same, DP gets up, does the DW (from the night before!) sorts out DDs bottle and brings it up to me, while we both lay in bed!!! Sometimes when the bottle is a long time in coming i get impatient. So, thankyou for posting, i think im a pretty ungrateful fecker too TBH, but it is so easy to get into a routine. If DP is going to work later, he also makes my breakfast and makes me coffee too. I too work sodding hard all day but i only have the one DD and i really dont know how people cope with more than one, really i dont. Maybe you should just suggest some different roles in the morning. Baths are a bone of contention in this house just now too, massive row at the weekend because DP was wanting a bath, my comment - "lucky you!", i was feeling sorry for myself and thought i wanted a bath. So, actually, your wife sounds a whole lot more grateful than i am. LEM makes mental note to self to be less self absorbed in future.

LP may help in the mornings, more so perhaps than most men. On the other hand, would most men refer to their wife as an ungrateful f**ker? I would prefer to have a relationship that was loyal, even in the shit times, rather than a relationship with someone who was orderly and helpful on the exterior but at root rather disloyal and not on the same team.

Different styles. Calm reasoned discussions are fine (in fact, lostpuppy, have you managed to have a sit down with your dw), but that does not mean that for whatever reason, partners do not occasionally lash out at each other in irritation, during a tense moment, especially if one party is more emotional.

A lot of cultures are more passionate than the garden variety Brit - it is ok to have a minor skirmish and then make up in front of the kids. It is keeping it real.

I think lostpuppy wants less conflict in front of the children, though. Which means, he needs to find out whether his dw's kneejerk criticism is just a one-off or a symptom of a larger problem.

In this case, counselling sounds a bit over the top.

What we do know about LP's wife is that she can be very critical and impulsive.
What we know about LostPuppy is that he has no qualms about expressing his
opinions - however controversial - in a bold and forthright manner.

That much we do know. Hence my advice: Be yourself, LP.
Your children are unlikely to get traumatised.
More likely become fierce members of the debating society!

petitfilou - yes, I definitely agree that parents shouldn't get upset and vent anger or burst into tears in front of their children.

I also think that, once you have got into practice (probably away from the children) it is excellent to have calm, reasoned conversations about difficult issues in front of them. A wonderful example for life.

Anna
Agree with you. I have been through counselling to deal with my outbursts of anger and discovered that a lot of the root cause was my tendency to be perfectionist and expect other people to be perfect - most of which seems to have stemmed from a lack of emotion from my mother as a child and coming from a high achieving background. I have now toned down the way I react to things (most of the time ) and am less critical of my dh's efforts because I understand more about what makes me so angry and I can stop it getting to that point. However I am still a passionate person and so is my dh. Children get so upset by their parents arguing in front of them, or in earshot. It is one to be avoided.

Maybe they should try to put their passionate personalities aside and try to make a dispassionate analysis of the division of resources and labour in their household? Cold hard facts often speak volumes, especially when it comes to boring household tasks...

In theory, yes, Anna.
And because neither of us actually knows LP and his wife
it is difficult to really tailor our advice to their reality.
So apologies, LP, if I am barking up the wrong'un.

Reading his posts, though, I do get the impression that they are both
very passionate in their views.

Even if they have one or two dozen reasoned discussions it might not
remove the underlying cause of their outbursts, if that cause happens
to be their personalities.

DaddyJ - don't agree. It is an important part of growing up to learn to act with self-control and parents need to set an example to their children.

Much, much better for the OP to properly analyse what's going on and have a reasoned, calm discussion away from the children in order to resolve the negotiation equitably and without resorting to impassioned emotional outburst.

It's only housework, after all...

Hate to interrupt the SAHM/WOHM debate but a fresh take on the OP's issue:

LostPuppy, I recalled that your partner once lashed out at your
son for being ungrateful. When I searched for that thread I also came
across your statements on the McCanns and Controlled Crying.

Would it be fair to say that both you and your partner are strong-willed, outspoken people?

Friction between dominant partners seems inevitable, a case of taking the rough with the smooth.

And as for this friction manifesting itself in front of the kids:
You are who you are. Can you really hide that from your children?

It's not a crime to passionately speak one's mind!

Reaching informed joint decisions on equitable division of labour in a couple is a critical part of marriage.

Advocating that equitable division of labour can only be achieved by two full-time working partners and that that is a non-negotiable starting position is very limiting and places severe constraints on family life.