Active discussions

Help protect children from gaming harms.

Take our survey

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be boggled at my sister expecting me to come to her wedding in the middle of the school year ...

144 replies

NotQuiteCockney · 08/06/2007 21:04

My sister told me on the phone, she's (probably) getting married Jan 26th, next year. Ok, this is lots of notice. But it's in Toronto, and at a bloody stupid time. I'm sick of going to Canada, honestly, and what am I meant to do? Go for the weekend? Leave the kids at home? What?

The whole thing has me annoyed, tbh. I know she can't get married in the summer, when I normally come, I understand that. But easter or autumn would be a lot easier for me.

I just figured she didn't really care about me coming, but she sounded a bit put out when I said I'd have a hard time coming.

She came over for my wedding, true, but I scheduled my wedding to be convenient for everyone attending!

It probably doesn't help that I can't stand her DP ...

OP posts:
Blu · 11/06/2007 17:04

Steady, MI, steady! You are tempting some bad taste comments...

Blu · 11/06/2007 17:02

Those of you who think she should have her wedding whenever she likes - do you really think so? Without consultation, if a family are all on different continents with children in school? Surely consultation would be good if the family's attendance is important to the bride?? or do weddings trump absolutely every other consideration?

motherinferior · 11/06/2007 17:00

Funerals, now, funerals are different things.

motherinferior · 11/06/2007 16:59

Good grief, woman, of course you...

...shouldn't go.

Weddings. FFs. And anyway it's yet another transbloodycontinental flight of the sort that is horribly polluting. To go to a freezing country. No question. Stay home, in the warm, send her a present.

Sweettalkinmum · 11/06/2007 16:56

Yes you are being unreasonable. ' But easter or autumn would be a lot easier for me'. OMG! It's her wedding, she should be able to have it when she wants.

Blu · 11/06/2007 16:52

I think the bedbugs are the clincher.

lizziemun · 11/06/2007 16:51

I don't think your are being unreasonable, but then i think just because you invite people to your wedding you shouldn't expect then to come even if they are in the same country.

My sister got married in Jamaica and only had witness from the hotel, they didn't ask any family because they knew A) we wouldn't be able to afford to go and B) they had the wedding they wanted.

On the other hand i got married in Herts and gave both my brother and dad (they lived milton keynes and northampton do not that far to travel) 18 months notice and they both decided not to come and go on holiday aboard, but it didn't upset us on our day.

Some families just don't have a close relationship were they would drop every thing and go to a wedding whereever it was being held.

kitbit · 11/06/2007 15:28

if you can square it with your sister imo that's the important bit, anyone else who has an opinion based on their own family dynamic can bog off. As long as you and your sister are OK with whatever you decide to do. Weddings are such a minefield, everyone gets so SENSITIVE. Sometimes people just can't be there, that's all there is to it.

kslatts · 11/06/2007 09:18

I think it is unreasonable to expect your sister to arrange a date to suit you as it's her day.

If it was my sister I would not miss it, my first choice would be to take dc's out of school for a week, especially at 3 and 6 so they could also enjoy it, if that wasn't possible I would go on my own.

agnesnitt · 10/06/2007 23:08

I'd jump at the chance, but that's because there's hockey available in Toronto at that time of year

If you don't want to go, don;t go. It's not worth it if you're not going to enjoy it.

Agnes

Original poster
NotQuiteCockney · 10/06/2007 22:24

Oh dear god she has bedbugs again.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotQuiteCockney · 10/06/2007 09:38

Well, the Xmas thing is partly down to everyone being disorganised. My sister has never sent me things - I've sometimes ordered things from Canadian shops and got them sent to her.

Until my mom died, she would always post me a box at Xmas.

But I do always bring gifts when I come, seeing them as a late Xmas thing.

This year, my dad has said it's pointless to post things (I do agree) and we should do Xmas when we're all together. Presumably this way, my sister can't 'forget' to get us things?

OP posts:
RubberDuck · 10/06/2007 09:33

I think it being a second marriage makes a huge difference tbh, and with the further info you've given about your relationship then I now no longer think you're being unreasonable

What I do now think though is that this isn't just about the wedding and that there are other issues brewing that need to be seen to. Not getting any presents for your dcs at christmas when you give them stuff is, imo, quite shocking - even a small token gift would be better than that. Don't know about you, but I never mind myself missing out on "stuff" but kids are too little to understand why X hasn't got them anything for their birthday/christmas, especially when a close family relation.

Of course, all these issues would probably be best dealt with way AFTER the wedding, otherwise it could be just interpretted as a sulk because you didn't get your own way with the dates, iyswim.

Original poster
NotQuiteCockney · 10/06/2007 06:58

Xenia, if my sister had asked about dates and been able to get married at a convenient time, I would absolutely go. I don't like travel, I don't like her partner, but I would respect that she'd made an effort, and I'd go.

Genidef, I'm really tired of our main (often only) holiday every year being a trip to Canada, quite a bit of which is stressful and unpleasant. I'm also tired of organising it all (flights, three sets of accommodation, etc etc). Last year the organising was a total total nightmare and I swore I'd change to going home every other year ... but my 20-year high school class reunion is this year, so I'm going ...

OP posts:
Genidef · 09/06/2007 22:25

NQC
I've got a guilt making family, which is why I feel pretty adamant you resist it!!

I'm from the US and we're ALWAYS the ones travelling for a day to get tehre. Give up loads of holidays practically, like some sort of tax. My grandma - DD's great - is 92 - want her to know her, am telling myslef that's why we do it, think i'll be better about insisting we have time on our own later on...

my parents have free air travel too.

bran · 09/06/2007 22:21

Any reason why your ILs might need to know that your sister is getting married? I'm sure it'll come out eventually but hopefully it'll be several years from now.

No information given, no opinion received. Works for my inlaws.

Judy1234 · 09/06/2007 22:19

In most close families there is consultation. My brother asked for dates to avoid for all of us very well in advance and they even made it in Easter holidays so the children didn't miss school.

Original poster
NotQuiteCockney · 09/06/2007 21:57

I'm not in that much of a mood - I do think that people who have close/guilt-making families are more likely to think I must go (which is what DH initially thought, the first time around, and kept being horrified that I was considering not going ... and is what my ILs will think when they find out about this ...)

OP posts:
collision · 09/06/2007 21:55

Oooh! I am so glad you like my idea

[sucking up cos I think you might be in a mood that people think you should go!]

At least she will think you care a bit if you made an effort and I am sure you could handle her friends for a couple of hours and drink a lot!

Original poster
NotQuiteCockney · 09/06/2007 21:54

bran, you're right, that as the person who moved away, it makes sense for me to do a lot of the running. And to be fair, they can't really travel because they don't have much money.

But I don't actually feel like they bother when I come over. I always bring things for them, and get given ... nothing. For me or the kids. Oh, I lie, a tiny dollar store bear for DS1 last time.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotQuiteCockney · 09/06/2007 21:53

I thought the fact I'd said, 'we can come if it's X Y or Z' and she didn't make it one of those was a hint.

But she sounded a bit disappointed when I said I couldn't make it.

I did make it to Mexico, last year, for a funeral type thing for my mum. And it sucked, it was horrible travelling so far.

Yes, my sister did come over for my wedding. I:

  • made the date convenient for her
  • paid for a lot of her accommodation while here (my parents paid for the rest), and I arranged all of it

Oh, and she had no kids at this point.

A hen do while I'm over is a Very Good Idea. Or at least going out drinking together. I don't really like any of her friends that much ...

OP posts:
collision · 09/06/2007 21:39

When I started reading i thought YWBU! but reading through it I realise YANBU!

It sounds dire and she wont miss you. Second marriage, already has kids, in a community hall, in FREEZING conditions.

I would not go and dont think you should have to either.

As you are going this year already, could you arrange a hen do for her with some friends so that at least you have put yourself out a bit and it might be fun!

Slim · 09/06/2007 21:07

If you've already said you can't make that date, could it be a bit of a hint?

lisad123 · 09/06/2007 20:56

I havent had chance to read all posts, so maybe missed something but if my sister was getting married I would try hard to get there. The OP sister came for her wedding so had to make same flight for her wedding.

dmo · 09/06/2007 20:51

dont go if you dont want to and dont feel pressured
my nana died 2 weeks ago and i didnt for to the funeral even though i felt pressured from family members to go
very gald i didnt go now would much rather go to work than go to a funeral