AIBu - to want to have sex with my own wife

This also causes a little resentment in me. Whilst she certainly is the "mum manager" ( the biggest job I know) - I'm the house manger (Do mortgage/bills/ banking/ arranging work/insurance.) These are things I can do without having to know what the children have eaten at lunch

I suspect that the last line could also be part of the problem - she wants to talk, and (I may well be massively projecting here!) wants some reassurance that she’s doing the right thing, and wants to include you, and you feel you don’t need to know. Personally I’d take that as rude and dismissive, decreasing the chances I’ll be feeling it.

It does sound like you’re trying, but are you trying enough? What does your wife say she needs from you?

If there was every a time I wished I had dud sperm....

Did you just wish away your second child because you feel she is the reason you're not getting enough sex...?!

I remember seeing a sex therapist on tv saying it takes two years to get things back to normal after a baby. I do know that after each birth I really did not want sex at all for many months, it was around six months each time, and even then I felt rather sexless for a long time, while breastfeeding. I think that was a mix of hormones , exhaustion, body image issues .wanting solitary time, and having got out of the habit. I felt like a different person, and although I love my husband very much and find him attractive, I was just worn out and it all felt like too much effort . I also worried about the babies waking. I just had a different focus I suppose. I think it does take an effort to get things back, and that can just feel like one thing too many.
What does your wife say ?

What Verbena87 said in her first post. All day long. I had a horrendous birth and my DH would definitely say he didn’t pester me for sex but when you know and love someone whether they say it or not you know what they mean / want. I just ended up exhausted, pained and resentful. If you take it slowly, at her pace, then you will get it back, but if you push it then you may kill it off completely. I remember the ‘this Is all you get’ cuddle body language because I knew he wanted more. So I began resenting the cuddle.

Do things she enjoys, that you would have done for her before kids, and your sex life may come back. Make implicit deals about her getting time away / daddy manager taking more on in exchange for getting ‘an occasional moment of passion’ and you are on a hiding to nothing. She knows you. She knows how you think.

My husband probably feels very similar to you. Our kids are the same age more or less, and we have had sex only around half a dozen times maximum since the youngest was born, all instigated by him. If it was down to me, it may not have happened at all. It didn’t really pick up between the first two kids either, except when actively trying to conceive the second! However I breastfed the first until trying for a second and totally agree with the touched out thing. I still can’t cope with my breasts being touched now 2 years later (not what you want to hear!). Other reasons for not being in the mood are predominately immense tiredness, plus the fact I don’t stop all day and when I finally get into bed I don’t want one more thing to have to do (I know that sounds awful!). also my husband has been rather moody since the stress of having 2 kids and every time he is short with or critical at me about something it completely kills any wish I may have had to be intimate with him. Despite all the doom and gloom of this message I do (hopefully) see things improving once kids get a little bigger and sleep better etc. Oh and birthing injuries, yes definitely a factor. I had forceps and third degree tear and it has made sex quite uncomfortable, esp at first, which massively put me off.

What is interesting is the lack of ability to say ‘I feel...”. You absolutely have the right to say ‘I feel neglected, unloved and frustrated when we don’t have any sex or intimacy’ - likewise she has the right to say - ‘at the moment, whilst I am breast-feeding, sex feels like a chore and I hate the thought of it.’

I think you need to get to the stage where that is said out loud and together you try to come to a compromise. It would be a shame to split up now - with two young children if this can be sorted. Both need to accept that it is difficult and find a path through that is acceptable to both. Have you discussed couple’s counselling?

YABU to say "my own wife"
She is not your property. I find that a really disturbing turn of phrase tbh.

My husband has definitely got less intimacy and sex and our youngest is 8!.

So, for me the issues are that I don't want to get pregnant again, the pill kills my sex drive and this leads to me being much less intimate because if I initiate a cuddle he immediately is up for sex.

If I knew a cuddle wouldn't make me feel
guilty/him frustrated I would initiate a lot more often. If I initiated cuddles and kisses more often the intimacy would return and we would then have sex more often. At the moment if we do have sex, he wants it much more often so I feel I am rejecting more often which makes us both resentful.

It's a vicious circle which I am only just starting to see my way out of and we are 11 years in.

It is totally great that you recognise she is doing more and have taken steps to mitigate this but it doesn't help to be resentful. Resentment IMO is a bit of a strange reaction - have you tried to take the pressure off her because you care for her wellbeing and don't want her overburdened, or because you want something in return for it? Because to me resentment seems based on the latter. It can be really damaging for your relationship if you get caught up in competitive tiredness/competitive "I've got the worse deal" - and I'm not saying this is one sided as she may be guilty of this too.

OK - so you can't breastfeed - but at 11 months this isn't such a massive deal. I appreciate that it means she is doing more possibly at night etc but it really really doesn't mean that you can't match up.

If she is too exhausted to think about sex yet you are not - it points to the fact that things are unequal. Yet if you are unhappy because you have no hobbies, never get a lie in etc it's not unreasonable to look at whether this can change, as long as she has the same opportunities. Personally, I don't need my DH to give me a lie in every day he can with never a chance for one himself - I'd rather that we each got a lie in at about an equal rate. However if I was the only one up at night yet I knew he was generally getting good sleep, I wouldn't be very impressed if he kept insisting on equal weekend naps etc. I don't know - you need to talk to her about it and what you each value. My point is there is absolutely no point martyring yourself in terms of saying hey, look, I get nothing nice but I can't compare to her - it ought to be a discussion where you each talk about what you need in terms of support, sleep, time off, whatever it is. I don't think that "moments of passion" can really come into this though because for most people, especially women, the other things need to be in place before it can happen and it can actually be quite damaging if it's forced/pushed before it's ready - but IME and what you hear on these threads again and again is that when things feel equal and supportive, the connection is there and there are not these threads of resentment it seems to come back. The problem is that many couples get into a spiral of resentment which never really goes away and then it never does come back, it simply gets worse and worse. Early parenthood is hard - it doesn't help to resent your partner for the amount there is to do. The best you can do is try to approach/tackle it together and feel like a team as you do so. This brings you closer, and it is a hell of an aphrodisiac, but there might be times when both of you are too exhausted to think about sex. The aim really is that you're on the same level in that sense.

She is being out of order in my opinion.
I knew a bloke in a very similar situation. His wife basically used him as a sperm donor. After the second kid, that was pretty much it as far as sex was concerned. He batted it out for 3 years then met somebody else. He was made out as the bad guy, which was totally unfair.
There are a lot of women who just want kids, and that’s their lot. The ongoing bf-ing not helping matters either.
The option, OP, is give her an ultimatum, she either starts putting out or you’re off. And whatever you do dont let her use you as a sperm donor again, it will be the biggest mistake you ever make.

How could you have only had sex 3 times in 2 years if you were actively TTC?

OP was your second child planned?

I too couldn’t stand the thought of my boobs being sexual organs whilst breastfeeding - they were there purely too feed babies, and needed to remain ‘pure’ if that makes sense

majda this is the one we did. It has a religious element but not overwhelmingly so.

themarriagecourses.org/try/the-marriage-course

Letching

I know this is massively shallow buy compliments mean SO MUCH
FEELINS flabby Of belly and old and tired means you feel ugly

Well I do. And MY FRIEND carried my baby.
Try affection and smiles and positive comments without actually leering and latching (how we can ‘see’ it🙄)

Sorry OP, just re-read my second comment and it came across way more snappy than I intended: you do sound like you’re aware and making an effort.

It may just be a case of allowing the changes to your work schedule/her getting a bit more free time to bed in, and giving it time.

I really think your next step is to talk to her, ask her how she feels about everything in her life: juggling work, kids and everything else. I think it’s so easy to hunker down and just ‘get through’ when life is challenging and kids are little. This is the starting point to finding out what is wrong. And it’s also just a really good thing to do anyway - for you both.

Also, I absolutely agree that while I was breastfeeding I didn't want my breasts touched in a sexual way at all!

With a breastfeeding 11mo I think you just need to be a bit more patient. You aren't entitled to sex, and feeling under pressure to provide it is a massive turn off. During the baby period my libido was lower as I was tired, my breasts hurt, and I had my fill of physical contact.

Ideally you need to talk about it, but it needs to be it a way that makes it clear you aren't just asking for sex, like it's another chore she needs to do.

When my libido was low the things that helped were my partner doing more of the housework and childcare, so I could get more sleep, and him making me feel loved and valued in a way that wasn't connected to sex.