AIBu - to want to have sex with my own wife

I also felt the resentment when my husband cuddled me because I knew he wanted more and I didn’t really want to cuddle. I used to fantasise about my single life, lying quietly in my bed all on my own.
It is really hard, motherhood is such a shift. I didn’t have birth injuries but my body changed and as a pp said, I felt resentful that DH was the same as he’d always been, while I was so changed and exhausted.
I agree that taking all the focus of sex is a good idea, accept that you won’t have any for a while, and try to connect with your wife in other ways. Shared humour is great, keeping the real connection between you going. Talk to her about how she feels about motherhood. How were the births ? I honestly think there is a biological basis to this too, it makes sense that women focus on their babies and don’t get pregnant again too soon. I would also add that low iron, low B12, low thyroid function all can also have an impact on mood as they make you more tired and flat, and are common after birth. If she is very tired then she probably would get these tested, if she’s getting enough sleep ?

Hi op
This sounds like a hard situation and I think you sound like a considerate person

I wondered if your wife has/had any mental illness after either birth, as things like depression, anxiety, ptsd, psychosis, etc can all massively affect your sex drive

If she is feeling well mentally, then my advice would be just to gradually bring non-sexual intimacy back into the relationship. Cuddle, hold hands, laugh, have proper conversations, compliment her on her personality and her looks and body.

I also find a few drinks always helps me but I know not every woman likes to lower their inhibitions in this way so again would depend on her preferences.

Best of luck - try to communicate with her as much as you possibly can.

Argh everyone posts too fast

I think it is far more likely that she is touched out/exhausted/hormonally drained/feeling unattractive than that she has fallen out of love or doesn't find you attractive, OP. Honestly and totally. These things are such typical feelings after having children, you sound respectful and supportive and it is simply that this is such an enormously tricky time and the workload you have between you is higher than average too with 74 hours worked out of the home and neither child in childcare.

If you can keep up the connection stuff - just talking, looking to the future, non sexual intimacy - that goes a long long way in keeping those bonds maintained. Keep an eye out for resentment about workload and make shifts if necessary, but try not to be resentful about sex specifically.

Good luck.

I wonder if she's simply exhausted. Does she do all the night wake-ups? My youngest is 4 yo now, and I still only get a full night's sleep 50% of the time.

It can be hard not to fall into competitive tiredness, but unless you've been doing 1/2 the overnight wake-ups (which you may have been...), you're not as tired as she is.

I do feel some reverse resentment. I dont have a hobby. Dont see friends regularly. Do all the "get ups" on my days off to give her a lie in as I accept that breast feeding is more tiring.

Does she have a hobby? Or see friends regularly? Does she do the 'get ups' on your days at work?

I'm not asking as criticism, but to demonstrate that all those things apply to her too. It's rather unfair to be resentful because you no longer have them - she doesn't either. Yes, your life has changed, but so has hers. And if she's given up FT work, hers has changed more. Plus her body has changed. And in many ways her identity.

Is there any way to ask how she's feeling without making it about sex? There are loads of posts on here from women who feel as if they have all the chores land on them from a great height when they have kids, while their husbands get away relatively scot-free, so resentment builds and is obviously quite a turn-off. Then the husbands start to pester because they're getting less sex and that's even more of a turn-off. It doesn't sound like that's your story, but trying to see if there're underlying issues would be a good idea.

I never wanted to be touched during pregnancy and I still feel very insecure now. We’ve had sex once, I wish he would try more because I lack the confidence

she might well just be too tired - two small children, breast feeding and work. Even if she fancies it, she may just feel too exhausted to imagine going through with it. Does she still grin when you come in at night, slap you on the bum occasionally etc? If so, I'd say give it a year or two....and maybe get a cleaner etc too (wish we'd done that). You're both working very hard and long hours, if not in the same ways.

It just comes across a bit strangely - perhaps it is the way you're expressing it on here rather than the way is actually is. But it almost sounds like you're trying to invest more into the relationship (good) without necessarily finding out what she wants or what would help her (strange) and then expecting her to be grateful for it or reciprocate, specifically, in a very specific way (unrealistic/possibly a little unfair). And even some of the things you mention as being nice gestures to her - you've sent her out to enjoy a film with her friends, you let her have a lie in, etc - these are lovely things to do but where is the connection and shared time and sense of being a team? I don't think there is any problem BTW in dividing out the mum manager/household manager kind of stuff but again the balance has to work for both of you.

I don't know, it's just if I think about my own marriage there is much more connection and communication happening than is being expressed in this thread and it feels very strange in that sense. Things can be uneven at times, but when that happens we end up discussing it rather than one of us trying to quietly fix it in the background and simply hope the other notices. I appreciate this might be simply because of how you're expressing it here but that's what I would find to be missing.

I would not expect it to get better quicker than after DC1 - possibly it may even take more time as the work of two children is obviously more than the work of one so overall the situation is harder. Sorry, I know that isn't very helpful! Perhaps the workload will shift again once DC1 is at school and/or DC2 starts some kind of regular childcare.

I think she feels unattractive op. Believe me it’s not you. She might be hurt inside too. Feeling that you don’t miss her.

If it helps - my libido was pretty non-existent between first and second babies (similar gaps to you) but recovered once youngest 2 or so. I felt surrounded by people who wanted physical things from me, and it made me want to not even be cuddled by my husband. Now that the kids are less intense I feel very different and things are good. It might seem too long to wait for you - but it is not necessarily for the rest of your marriage.

My wife is on full-time maternity leave with our first. I work a similar number of hours to you in a demanding technical job. I do a lot more than you say you do in the household, and I'm 30 weeks pregnant with a tonne of complications.
Stop thinking of her as the supermum and you as a dad doing your 'bit' (why not your share?) and think of her as an equal partner.

Op- maybe her body language reads “ oh gosh I hope he doesn’t ask me for it because I don’t feel confident about my body image and I don’t know if he thinks I’m pretty.”.

Try help her see herself as more than a mother. More Than woman with body flaws.

I would say.. continue to be the one to hug and take it one step at a time from there. It is ok, she needs u to restore her confidence. Assure her that she can tell u if she isn’t comfortable. Let her know what you see in her. Not just as a mother but as a wife. As a woman that stirs emotions and desires in you.

I think you need to talk to her about how you are feeling.
Work on the small things first maybe, touching each other in passing, the odd kiss, those everyday intimacy's that mean so much and from there you can build up again.

My libido massively droped for about a year and a half after first child, I think it's nature's way of making you take a break between childbirths! Not yet back after 2nd baby (6 months ish) and I hope to god my husband doesn't feel rejected, as it isn't personal. Being tired is a huge thing but also I've never been quickly stimulated to sex- I have to be relaxed, not stressed and then mentally stimulated first- so a good night's sleep, erotic fiction and wine are a safe bet. If I plan ahead for sex (unromantic I know) then there's a baby sitter, a clean house, doing something together (like seeing friends) and then sleeping in the next day. As a side issue I spend a lot of time revolted by how I look, which makes me undervalue my dh's attention- if I could never find myself attractive I have a hard time believing he could.

Do you want more children? Because you guys sound as fertile as us. And I definitely do not want to get pregnant again, and until DH has the snip there is no contraception I trust other than abstinence. Having another baby petrifies me. We do however have other moments of intimacy. So until the day comes when the snip is confirmed successful I will never agree to sex again.

DH knows that the best foreplay he could ever do is take the kids for the day and let me have some own time. Not doing sodding housework either.

Your wife has a grabby/chewy 11 month old on her Breasts. She has a toddler. She probably can't go for a wee in peace when at home and likely looks forward to work just to have one thought to herself without "mum"!!! Ringing in her ears.

She has given her body and all her energy to your family and she just doesn't have it in her to to give you, the other adult who is supposed to be sharing the burden of the early years. She isn't going to give you what you want until she feels like her old self again. That can take a long time.

Communication is key, but honestly you've moved down the pecking order and you have to wait until breast feeding is over. She is giving your baby her milk to give the best start in life. Cut her some slack.

Can I just say you sound like a really lovely bloke.

That aside try and communicate more and pick a moment you can have this conversation. Maybe start on the point of outlining the appreciation you have for her and what a great mother she is then broach the subject of what you want to work on as a couple and it would make you feel closer. Be patient and express you will be and check if there are any underlying issues, she might be struggling with post baby confidence and breast feeding can be a block to feeling like sex.

Good luck, you have communicated well here how you feel so I think you can to her directly.

I think it might be helpful to remember that your "house manager" mental work of paying monthly bills is significantly less than her "mum manager" mental work of supervising the children every minute, knowing what food is available and which meals to make, managing on going housework issues. It is not really comparable and it might be helpful to recognise that, particularly as you say she has mentioned being tired of thinking about everything.

It sounds like you might benefit from relationship counselling tbh, you don't sound as if you really appreciate each other or understand each other's perspective.

I had three DC in 2.5 years. The first two were planned, last one was not. Essentially my body went through 4 years of pregnancy, birth, the postpartum period and breastfeeding. It was obviously absolutely exhausting and my body changed beyond recognition (to me). I didn’t feel sexy or sexual in the slightest, it was seriously the very last thing on my mind. XH would sometimes nag and it made me feel very uncomfortable. I did feel harsh ‘rejecting’ his advances but I just didn’t have anything left in the tank for him. I was working and studying alongside the DC.

I realised eventually that I didn’t love him anymore and we separated. It didn’t just spring up out of nowhere but when the youngest was 1.5 and I had lost a lot of weight, stopped breastfeeding etc I still didn’t want to have sex with him. Ultimately that was the realisation, it was a lack of sexual interest in him and a lack of love for him too actually.

For your wife, the first pointers probably stand more than the last. She’s likely not feeling very attractive atm and is just simply knackered. I would give her some time (although I appreciate it must be very difficult) and if it still hasn’t picked up in a few months, you need a chat and perhaps counselling. In the mean time, don’t stop offering affection and compliments.

I think it’s the touched outness as much as a lack of libido. I have two kids aged 4 and 1 and feel permanently like someone is clambering on me 24/7 because one of them is generally in our bed too. I’m not sure what you do about that but it definitely makes me less reseptive to physical contact from my husband than I was previously. Our sex life isn’t in terrible shape but I do catch myself getting irritated by physical contact sometimes and I know what it’s because of. I try and be honest about it and tell DH how I’m feeling.

I think you need to ask your wife:
Is her lack of libido just a lack of libido or is it that she does not find you physically attractive anymore? Does she want sex but just not with you? Or is it that she doesn't want sex full stop? If it's the former then it's obviously more troubling, if it's the latter she just needs time and understanding.
My sex drive diminished after the birth of my third child in a way that I knew wasn't natural for me. It wasn't that I didn't find my husband attractive anymore I just didn't want sex full stop. My hormones were all over the place - irregular periods, I know I wasn't ovulating every month.
18 months down the line and my periods went back to normal, baby started sleeping so I was less tired etc and slowly but surely my sex drive came back. All that time though I knew I still 'wanted' my husband if that make sense - it was more of a physical loss of libido than anything to do with him personally. He was very patient and understanding, we stayed intimate in other ways. The thing was we talked about it and didn't let it become the elephant in the room.
You need to speak to your wife and be honest with each other.

It is unbelievable to me that you’ve only spoken about it once! How on earth do either of you know what you’re feeling if you don’t talk? It doesn’t (and probably shouldn’t) have to be directly about sex, you could discuss what parts of your life you’re happy with, how well things are going in some areas, what you’d like more of or less of in your lives. If you can’t do it alone do it with a counsellor.

I think if she has already said she feels tired and touched out, there is a good chance that this is a big factor in her lack of intimacy. The only way to improve things is to keep the dialogue going.

It’s clear that life is challenging right now for your wife. Sometimes just acknowledging how difficult it is, is a really useful first step. Marriage is about being a team. You need to talk about how you both can be as happy with your set-up as can be. You might find a counsellor as a third party really useful in this process. It’s also really good time out for you both as a couple to look at things together and discuss improvements and the best way forward.

I wouldn’t even bring up sex until general life issues are dealt with.

Sidalee. Have you been waiting to find fault with OP? Is this the best you can come up with? Disturbing? Ffs.