AIBu - to want to have sex with my own wife

Dadboddancer I'm really sorry, this sounds very difficult.

I won't give you any advice but I will tell you what happened with me.

Our fertility journey was very hard, years of active sex while we tried to conceive, lots of fertility treatment after dd born, and then an adoption journey to gorgeous son.

In the midst of all this my libedo went south, seriously south.

My husband is attractive, fit and sexually very giving. But I just lost all interest in sex. We still did it. But it was not floating my boat some of the time.

As time went on I decided I needed to engage more, we bought some sexy undies for me, and I just had to make a mental effort to allow myself to enjoy sex with the man I loved. I cannot really say it any other way than that.

What I can say is that lots of things easily put me off. Unlike a person keen for sex, I was a person willing to consider it! If my husband was in any remote way annoying or unpleasant in the most minuscule way, it put me off!

Other things that put sex off the agenda:
Kids being awake
Me feeling fat or unattractive
Me having too much dinner and feeling full
Me and DH going to bed at different times (I'm a night owl!)
Me drinking wine and falling asleep!

So basically, I needed to make the effort to actually feel inclined for sex. I must say when we did it, it was often good, fun, etc.

The bottom line is, my husband is attractive, I love him but I still went off sex. I think both parties need to want to make it work. I did. I waned things to go well, I wanted to want sex and I found the more I did actually choose to have sex the more I did want it (as long as nothing put me off!).

That's my experience, take from it what you will.

Good luck.

Cuddles. Just give her a quick hug in passing at any time of day. Don't make any kind of issue out of it at all. Just a fond hug or a brief shoulder massage when she is (for instance) peeling potatoes or doing the washing up. Kiss her on the top of the head.

Loads of affection but just not of the groping kind. She feels that her body isn't her own right now - she has two tinies who think it is their property, and she can't cope with any more. Not yet.

lottie agree with what you said

OP. I have been your wife. I had 2 kids in 2 years.

With DH and I, it's not about sex at all really and the general state of our relationship. Basically, I had no interest in sex at all with anyone when my kids were babies. I was recovering from c-sections. And constantly knackered. But then as they've gotten older there's been a big shift in the dinamic in our relationship. Me being resentful towards DH for various things, mainly being he gets to go to work and have a normal life all day, and DH resents me for being home all day etc.

You've mentioned it in some of your posts. There's things you resent about one another. No one really wants to have sex with someone you're tired and angry with. I think you should go for counseling. But you really need to look at the issues with your sex life as a symptom of other deeper issues in your relationship.

I wonder if both of you decided that having a day at home was the best thing to do, especially it means if you are working long days the rest of the week. When I was on maternity leave I counted down the minutes until my partner got home. If your other half is working late then it is so hard to have to get through the day and then do the whole evening by yourself. It is knackering - my husband (who went part time at the same time as me and did a day at home on his own) described it as "unrelenting drudgery". Everyone wants something from you. Are you just someone else who wants something from your wife?

If you can sense your wife holding back from your hugs because she thinks they will turn into something else, why not reassure her first that it's just a cuddle? You do sound like you really are expecting something back for your efforts.

As others have said mortgage, bills, insurance really aren't the same, they are periodic, whereas her "management" tasks are constant.

I have two children one of whom is 11 months. I am not interested in sex at all. I am tired, always have at least one child usually within touching distance. I still love my husband very much but have next to no time for jus me never mind time an energy that I want to prioritise for sex. I do however try to give hugs, kisses an physical contact to my husband as it's important to show I still love him. I am honestly jus exhausted an look forward to more autonomy before I can give more of myself to my husband (tho I do feel bad about this)

Your youngest is only 11 months. You also have a preschooler. This is a very difficult stage and I would personally in your position wait. I wouldn’t tackle the problem again until she stops breastfeeding.

It is a gutting position to be in. But it’s hard having little kids.

You say you don't want to whine about it, so don't whine. Have an actual conversation. My husband and I ended up at Relate counselling when our daughter was about a year old because we weren't actually talking. It helped massively.

You have 2 kids, the youngest is less than a year and your wife is breastfeeding. Give her a break, do more child related work and just wait. I feel far more intimate when I've not been the "default" parent all day and had a chance to enjoy whatever activity has been going on.

You say a lot about 'wanting it' but not much (anything?) about 'giving it' - giving her pleasure.

You frame the idea of discussion in terms of you whining for sex, as if you're a randy leg-frotting dog and sex is a service she might offer you, if you're lucky.

Well...could you not have a discussion about what she wants, what would make her feel good? Wouldn't that be a better starting point?

Once she feels cared for and that you are able to offer affection without demands, she might gradually start to feel more physically well-disposed towards you.

I really love my husband but I did feel very resentful towards him for a while. Not at all rationally, as he is lovely. I think time will resolve this op. I just didn’t have any spare energy to expend on anyone. I didn’t feel that spark of fancying my husband because I was so relentlessly tired. I think I felt most fond of him when he brought me coffee in bed in the morning, having got up with the babies !
I did ( and do) fancy him again though.
Sometimes distance helps, oddly. Meeting up out somewhere, seeing the person you love walk in, that kind of thing. It just helps bring the spark back.

Op you do sound considerate but you're looking for an answer that isn't really there and the answers you have been given you don't really want to be true,
However considerate you try to be you just cannot completely understand how your wife is feeling. She probably doesn't want to be honest with you and you more than likely wouldn't be happy if she was.
The only answer to all of this is TIME.
You need to give it more time. Possibly a lot more time.

It's all difficult and I hate that the taboo of sexless marriages is a thing just because admitting you've gone off someone in that way is the unspeakable! It doesn't have to mean you don't love each other, or parent brilliantly together - we're complex human beings.

I think rejection of intimacy is awful for those on the receiving end. And feeling obliged to be intimate when you're not feeling it is awful on the other side.

I feel bad that I came across as cold to my husband for several years - he was badly hurt by my lack of affection because the sexual spark had gone. I was conversely hurt by having to get drunk to force some sort of intimacy, leading to an alcohol dependence I'm still shaking off now.

Honest conversations need to be had basically. It's really hard, and there's such a expectation that you have to lump it (whatever side you are on - whether to lie back and think of England or not sexually bother your partner and so do without sex or intimacy for the rest of your life.

Separated now and its been horrible... but we've both found intimacy with other people and are healthier happier adults as a result and children don't now have a mother attached to a bottle of wine and a miserable dad.

So as you're still comparatively in the early days of your new family give it time, and talk as frankly as you can. If things don't change you may need to think carefully about what you both need in the future.

@captainproton brilliant post.

Have skim read thread - ie OP posts and a few others. DP and I didn't really redevelop a sexual relationship until the youngest was sleeping through - about five years. But we did get it sorted, it was worth the wait.

I feel like if you try to reframe your mind to understand making love to be less about the physical sensations and more about the emotional ones... and for that you need to mean it.. she will come round

I mean.. about how the closeness makes u forget the world and only think about her... how you escape from the universe.. how when she hugs u you feel this and that.

Ofcourse the physical compliments will follow. But really, let her know there is more to her than being a mother or a provider of physical desire...

Let her know that you are there for her to make her heart skip and feel loved again . Because a person who feels unloved, will only get drained if they have to give love .

Anyway you get it. It’s not about “leading up to it”,because she will feel used .. it’s about , the emotional side of things , and it is what she needs too.

I understand how you feel op, I've been in your shoes.

Our sex life however was already in decline before our dd was born. I've always had a higher sex drive to my H. We've had so many arguments about it, which would lead to pity sex and then nothing again for months. We had sex 7 times one year. It broke my heart. He couldn't see that to me I felt like we were nothing more than friends without the sex and intimacy.

Anyway if I can give you some advice it would be this....
Have a night together WITHOUT the kids and have a talk about how you feel about each other. DO NOT bring up sex but tell her you still love and desire her. That you still see her as your wife and not just a mother. Tell her that you hope she still feels the same about you and that you hope to one day get back on track as a romantic couple. Tell her you will never refuse cuddles and kisses but if she prefers you can hold back until she is ready.

Tell her that you MISS HER.

I hope it works out for you. You sound like a nice man.

You’ve talked about it ONCE???

I think you have a point that this is not enough communication. In fairness OP has a point too, though - how could he repeat that he wants more sex without it amounting to unattractive pestering, or say that rejection is making him feel low in a way that definitely isn't a massive turn-off.

@OP: I think you have the only viable approach, to live with it and make occasional sensitive overtures, but other posters talking about communication are right - I would pick your moment and tone so it isn't like a big criticism and lay cards on the table in a kind and decent way about how you feel once. After that you can return to being subtle because you will have been clear about what the problem is.

It took a while for me. I felt tired, touched out, I'd lost any confidence in my fat, bloated body, and to start with, the first couple of times I had very little sensation and was so jealous of Ex that it was all normal for him. And of course, hormone contraceptive that killed libido.

I had the "wifework" mental load, meaning that yes, Ex paid a lot of bills, but I paid a lot too, and was still the organiser of the household. It's so tiring having to be the one who keeps on top of everything all the damn time. And of course, being the one who was PT (even though it was 3/4 time and I earned the same amount as him) meant I was expected to do the lion's share of the housework. He basically wanted a medal for putting the dishwasher on.

(I left ex, but he was abusive, so not relevant here, I don't think. Unless you count the fat shaming and name calling I got. Which also contributed to a loss of libido.)

I've been your wife. I was the wife feeding and my H altering working week and trying to help out with our daughter. I was the wife with the H who cuddled without pursing, tried to let me go out with friends, that was utterly invested in our marriage as well as our daughter. Sadly, I was the wife whose husband couldn't wait anymore and found the sex elsewhere. If I'd only known that it was that bad for him- I didn't need sex in that first year as I was, to be totally honest, just completely in love with our daughter. I forgot to pay him any attention at all.

My exH found sex elsewhere, and eventually someone who loved more than their offspring. The day he told me suddenly I woke up from my infatuation with motherhood and realised all the messages he'd been trying to give me. I lost him.

I don't know why I'm typing that, as there's no advice. I think what I'm trying to say is, I wasn't thinking at all. I didn't think "fucks sake he's trying it on again" or "I'm all touched out I wanna sleep". I just broke the habit. What I truly wish now is that he'd not pined for the sex, but for me. That he'd done, as a P.P suggested, taken me out for the day and surprised me. Held my hand. Reminded me who i had married. I truly believe if he'd done that, my wake up would've come before it was too late, and our sex life would've returned. Try switching the thoughts of sex on standby, and build up to that. Intimacy and love will not result from sex, but sex may be the result of investing in intimacy and love first.

Can I just say you sound like a really lovely bloke. That aside try and communicate more and pick a moment you can have this conversation.

agree with this. from experience I would also add that sometimes a little humour can help with communication. my dh is good at this. and be patient. it sounds to me like you're doing all the right things but you can't change the fact your wife is breastfeeding and has all the associated hormones and feelings that come with that. breastfeeding aside having a child under the age of 2 is exhausting! things will get better and easier

OP. I feel like you're really focused on her being mum manager and you being household manager when really it should just be both of you doing it all.

I say this from the perspective of mum manager, who's husband does do a bit, only when asked, and says things like 'but I go to work and pay the bills'. My dd is now 1. I am not as exhausted as I used to be, but I am still tired, mentally drained and completely touched out. And I didn't even breastfeed. I also feel absolutely repulsive and I hate seeing myself and taking off my clothes. My husband tells me every day how beautiful he thinks I am, but I cannot get past how I look now.

It could be any of the above things or more.

The thing is, you need to communicate because otherwise it will only get worse.

It's really hard those first couple of years with a baby/ toddler. Mine are all school age now and I do look back and cringe at how much I resented my husband and felt he was surplus to requirements- used to joke with friends we should just have an all women commune funded by the husbands but there was a lot of truth in that and as others have said biology does play a part - for women it's common to not really be sexually attracted to their partners almost as a contraceptive but I do now realise this was probably a pretty tough time for my husband
My tips would be to be patient , keep helping out as you say you are doing and romantic gestures won't go a miss-
With us once the youngest was 2 we started having a night away a couple of tomes a year which meant we had time together as a couple and not just as parents
In the last couple of years our sex life has been brilliant and really fancy and appreciate each other but it did take until the youngest was way out of the baby phase

I should say that this is really common and it usually gets better as sleep improves and children get bigger.

Op.. start with letting her know that making Love starts with just gazing into each others eyes and getting lost into each other’s thoughts.

That it can start and end there. Give her a massage after a long working day.

Don’t feel like a victim that she isn’t the same woman desiring you as before. Perhaps it is exactly that, she doesn’t desire your attention because it makes her reflect on her body image which she isn’t comfortable about ... or too exhausted.. or too puked on to feel desirable.

Tell her in advance. While ur at work that you miss her and ask her if she misses you.
Ask her what u can do so she can find you atttactive. Because u find her very attractive. Tell her how u feel when u look into her eyes. When she holds your hand. when she smiles at you.

Let her know that her small gestures make you feel loved. That you want more and more because you just want to feel things more intensely and that you are ready to wait for her to be comfortable.

It’s gonna take few attempts from you

I do sympathise, and I think you sound very caring.

I wouldn't give up hope yet! So your first DC was under 2 when second DC was conceived, and 2 1/2 when second DC was born? That doesn't give a lot of time when your wife wasn't pregnant, breastfeeding or looking after a very small child.

I think things got better for us when second DC was aged 2+ ... less breastfeeding (which I'm sure dampens sex drive!), less sleep-deprived (slightly!).

So there is hope yet! It's tricky because you want to take the pressure off ... but at the same time it's not unreasonable to want to discuss it.