AIBu - to want to have sex with my own wife

Me too, Italian. Even after 30+ years of marriage a bit of appreciation can still get the motor running! Works for him, too!

Of course he should not be doing all that for a shag! Once a week taking his own kids out and planning where to go and packing a bag! Is that a lot?

It's not just that that apples suggested. She also suggested never saying he's tired, being cheerful (even if he's not), and not talking about himself. I really don't think those are ways to open up communication in a relationship. I would never begrudge DH telling me he's tired for goodness sake - I'm not competing with him over who has the most difficult life!

So much of what PPs have said rings true for me.
My thoughts would be touched out and exhausted both physically and mentally.

My DCs are 4 and 2. It is only in the last few months I have had even the slightest interest in sex. Most days by the DC's bedtime I'm struggling not to shout at them to stop pawing at me, I'm so touched out. Once they're in bed I don't want anyone else carrying on with it. I stopped bf 15 months ago, but I still get totally weirded out by DH touching my boobs. It reminds me of bf too much and is a massive turn off (It's getting better but is very slow progress). I'm also tired. Nothing kills libido like exhaustion, and running around after 2 miniature dictators whilst carrying the mental load that accompanies them is most definitely exhausting! Add paid work and no family help into the mix and it's a nightmare.
I would generally say that my DH does his share of the physical work (we usually sit down at the same time as each other in the evening), but he finds the mental load completely invisible. He sits down for the day and switches off, I sit down with my head still whirling ten to the dozen. I find it telling he complains he's too tired to do as much of his (physical) hobby as he'd like to, yet I'm too tired to even contemplate re-introducing a hobby yet. There is clearly still a fairly large imbalance somewhere!

Another recommendation to ask her what would really help, e.g. DH offering to wash the dishes, when what I really needed was to have a break from holding a clingy baby (and would happily give my right arm to do the dishes as a way of getting that break!) was not helpful at all, even though he was trying to be kind.
DH never ask me so I've had to tell him (annoying, and more work for me in the short term, but hopefully better longer term!). The crutial part for me has been delegating the mental load part of the task, so e.g. he was put in charge of DC1's 30hrs childcare. Previously he would have done all the physical form-filling bits, but it would have been down to me to remember the deadline was looming and sort various issues surrounding it with our childcare providers. The last 2 terms I totally washed my hands of it, and at most just relayed messages from nursery/preschool that he needed to contact them to sort xyz. It made a massive difference to me!

Keep the mention of sex totally out of it at the moment apart from perhaps good cuddles with an accompanying "I'm not looking for a shag, just fancied a hug" (and mean it!). I too have felt my heart sink with a physical touch that I just know means he'll be after something later. When he openly (and honestly!) states that's not his intention I relax. That removal of pressure goes a long way to increasing my feelings of intimacy and likelihood of some action at some point soon

You have two children under 4. Your wife is still breastfeeding and gave birth less than a year ago. Of course yabu.

I'm not saying you have to accept a sex-less marriage for the rest of your life, but you need to stop thinking you're owed sex when your wife will feel like her body doesn't even belong to herself at the moment, more like it's a tool which is nourishing YOUR child.

The primary function of your relationship when you have two children as young as yours is looking after those children. And to even be thinking about walking out on that responsibility, when your wife has literally given her body to it, is frankly disgusting. Even if she had any libido at the moment (unlikely at this stage, many women say they don't really get their libido back until around the two year mark) that kind of attitude is not exactly going to be making you attractive to her.

You need to try actually listening to your wife - not strangers on the internet who you're hoping will say you're justified in seeking sex elsewhere, but the woman who's grown, birthed and nourished your children. She's telling you she's touched out and exhausted. Listen to her.

You keep saying that it didn't get better after your first child - your first child wasn't even two when she became pregnant again. I realise that for you it's been five years without regular sex, but for her it's been five years of growing/feeding babies, sleepless nights, hormones all over the place and beginning to recover and starting to feel like her body is her own and feel like herself again only to start the whole exhausting, painful process all over again (so get over yourself).

AcrossthePond55 read your post, yes appreciation is very important.

Being noticed and appreciated is a bit of a turn on for me!

croprotationinthe13thcentury "Bloody hell apples all that for a shag??"

Of course he should not be doing all that for a shag! Once a week taking his own kids out and planning where to go and packing a bag! Is that a lot?

Telling his wife he loves her and bringing home a small gift, is that a lot?

I used to bring home choccy bars for dh and he would leave me little notes.

I always thank him for the things he does, driving the car, filling it with petrol, mowing the grass. He rarely if ever thanks me for cooking dinner. Or notices if the kids are playing up and intervenes before I do!

Ironically, he is actually a very, very supportive husband who does a lot. My friends are amazed he cooks dinner ever, some friends say their dh has never cooked for them!

But of all the issues dh and I do have, if we have any, it is lack of communication! Lack of really engaging in a conversation. Noticing things etc. Life gets busy, I understand this but I do make an effort to thank him for all he does, even brilliant sex!

OP now read back what I said about going off sex for a while and see if any of this is relevant.

Good luck, OP.

apples you are a star.

YANBU, that sounds hard. For me, the lack of kissing and cuddling would probably be more difficult than the sex life. I've always been a physically affectionate person, and so is DH, so it's something we make time for. If I'm tired/stressed, I want to snuggle (but probably not have sex) with DH to unwind.

I think a more general conversation with your wife about love languages might help. Rather than starting the conversation with you wanting sex, start with asking what makes her feel loved and then bring in that intimacy is something that makes you feel loved.

They say that sex for women is 90% in the head, it's true. If our heads aren't in the game, nothing is going to make our bodies ready. I remember one of the biggest 'perker-uppers' when our marriage hit the post baby slump was appreciation. It meant more than flowers and compliments, and was equal to helping out. Not gratitude in a Uriah Heep way, but DH saying after dinner "Oh, that was nice" without making a big production of complimenting me. Telling me that he was happy just to be home with me (even on the days the house looked like a hurricane had hit). Just making me feel day to day appreciated. That what I did was noticed.

Of course words aren't enough, they have to be followed by deeds. Deeds that begin with "Here babe, let me do that tonight, you go sit". Division of labour is right and fair and I do suggest you take a good look at yours. But when you voluntarily and cheerfully take one of her tasks it really means something.

It can't hurt to try, right?

Can someone report croprotation? I can't be arsed.

You sound really lovely OP, and the fact that you came on here to ask women for advice says a lot for your character and how much you love your wife. Me and my husband have been in exactly the same place, and the only thing that helped was talking and more talking. And being honest with one another. It is totally reasonable for one person in a relationship to feel rejected because of a lack of sex, but it is equally reasonable for the other to not feel able to, particularly after something as life changing as having a baby.
You sound like a good, strong couple, and it sounds like you both care about the relationship and the family. It actually sounds like you both love each other and that it's not sex with you that your wife is feeling anxious about, it's sex in general.The only way to find out is to talk about it.

The cuddling thing: this was me and my husband completely. He would give me cuddles, and actually not necessarily want sex or anything else, but I was so worried that I'd end up having to reject him and hurt him, that it ended up being a self fulfilling prophecy. Again, the only way we worked through it was by talking.
Our Ds's are now 5 and 3, with another on the way, and although we still don't have as much sex now as we did before the kids (due, apart from anything else, to just not having enough hours in the day), the physical intimacy, the cuddles, kissing, hand holding are back as much as ever, and that is enough to be getting on with until these early years pass.
Reading your posta, I've got high hopes for you guys, there is definitely a concrete base there and definitely love there, and that is a very solid foundation to build from.
Wishing you all the luck in the world xx

@Applesandpears23 that is fucking brilliant advice.

You sound rather like my husband, OP.

I still love him. I still fancy him. I’m just so tired, bone-deep tired, with 2 young children, 1 of whom barely sleeps, and a job, that even a short time to have sex often feels like it’s just eating into the few hours of sleep that I do get.

You need to understand why she’s not wanting sex and then you can work out how to deal with it 🤞🏻

What the fuck is a dad manager? So you manage the bills. Don't they just come out via direct debit, requiring about minutes thought every few years? Have you ever read this? www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

Anyway doing some housework isn't great if you're just doing it hoping for sex. Do it because you WANT to help her. Try to ease the mental load. Take her away for an evening and wine and dine her. Don't leave finding a babysitter up to her.

Redsharks , that’s heartbreaking and very brave of you to share!
What wonderful advice, and I completely get what you’re saying- being a mum of young children - you don’t have enough headspace for everything and can easily lose sight of being a couple. OP I think it would be so helpful to you both if family could give you some time and space out of the house as a couple , that’s what I craved in the early years but never had, I wish you the best of luck.

No not all that for a shag. All that for a happy well balanced relationship. I expect most Mums do most of that list without even thinking about it and most Dads don’t do many of them.

"She said some of the things you said here. "Touched out", "tired", "tired of having to think about everything"

WITHOUT LOOKING when is your eldest childs next dental appointment OP? i suspect she is carrying a lot more of the mental load than you.

You sound like a decent bloke, and YANBU. Realistically, a relationship where one partner is 100% focused on the children, is not interested in sex, does not make the effort with partner/takes partner for granted, will NOT survive (trust me, I've been there). Resentment will quickly take over everything else.
You really must speak to her about how you feel, and try and reach some resolve, by yourselves or through counselling. But you cannot do it on your own; she has to want it too.

Gosh this thread is depressing ...

Op don’t give up !!! Stroke her hair and help her fall asleep tonight. Be as caring towards her as she is to your kids and that’s how you refill her energy.. caring builds love.. love builds desire

Bloody hell apples all that for a shag??

This is an interesting thread because for once there are other women like me on it. I always thought I was alone as mumsnet usually replies 'I wouldn't put up with that. It isn't a marriage without sex' or something similar. But it seems there are a few of us around who feel the same. So maybe your wife feels like me:
Breastfeeding, touched out, need space not intimacy.
Tired, no energy, need sleep not sex.
Unsexy, flabby, no time to exercise.
Horrible birth, feel weird and self conscious about my body.
Actually have no time to dedicate to this, but sex starts in the brain. If someone wants me sexually they need to be so very nice to me. Resentment is not sexy. A clean house and a healthy dinner is a good start.... at some point one day not soon now leave me alone oh is that the baby needing me again?

And be totally honest with each other. If you're committed and honest, there's not much you can't work through imo

I hate how people in relationships often have it in the backs of their minds that they may split up when things aren't going right. Even when painful or difficult, remain committed to each other and don't think about a way out, especially when there are children involved. You've got two babies there, things have been turned upside down in every way for you both. Find time to just be together, and try to get through the next 6 months as a team. Agree with pp's, both on the breastfeeding being a libido killer, and on the need to communicate. You're gonna have to be brave and broach the subject, but Id leave it another couple of months until baby a bit easier. Tell her you love her and you're totally committed to her but that you need physical intimacy of some sort. Sounds unromantic but could you come up with an action plan, maybe regular date nights and holding hands, then cuddles, in the hope of building up to eventual sex. Or, to put it bluntly, can she touch you (she may find this the easier option at first rather than the other way round). But yep, you need to TALK and find a way forward together. You sound lovely and I hope you can work it out so you're both happy. Hang in there, children change everything but it's temporary and will improve, sooner or later

My own experience with 3 kids 2 of which we had in sucession is / was resentment towards my dh.

we have a 14 month age gap between the younger 2 my memory of being on maternity leave was being completely frazzled.

I felt my dh didn't help out I felt completely depressed . The only thing that saved me was going back to work.

Since going back I'm my old self confident bubbly etc and I find it hard to have sex with him.

The kids are 5 and 4 years old.

Between working full time and the kids there's little time for intimacy.

we have a sexless marriage as I don't want him touching me at all because of the way he acted .

It's unresolved and now deep seated.

Could it be like in my case your dw feels the same that you aren't doing enough.

My own situation is now I don't even know if I am in love with him I question it because I don't want him touching me.

I feel like your wife and it is very difficult to know what to do about it. It won't be your fault though. I am hoping things between me and my husband will get better over time as the kids grow and I am less tired however I'm coming to the realisation that it may be very hard work to get back on track.

I have children similar age and I don’t feel like sex much. However occassionally when I get a decent amount of sleep AND a decent amount of time to myself with no children AND my partner is cheerfully and friendly I feel horny again. So I suggest you set yourself a goal to do all of the following at least once a week. 1) Take both kids out of the house for at least 2 hours unprompted. Pack the bag yourself. Decide where to go yourself. Come back cheerful and don’t try to give the kids back when you walk through the door. 2) Stop saying you feel tired. When your wife says she is tired sympathise, tell her you appreciate everything she does and make sure she gets as good a sleep as possible. 3) At a quiet time ask her how her day was. Really listen. Ask follow up questions. Don’t talk about yourself. 4) Make her laugh 5) Bring her home something she will like. Something she likes to eat or something small but significant. Not flowers. Something personal. 6) Remind her of something cool you did together before kids. Every single day: 1) Tell her you love her 2) Pick up after yourself (dishes, laundry) 3) Spend at least 30 mins doing something housework like (not diy) without being asked or mentioning you have done it. Try it for 2 months and come back and tell me how your marriage feels now.

I've stopped bf 2 months ago and my libido is coming back after 2 kids and 3,5 years without (much - like once every 6 months) sex. We explicitly said sex was off the table actually. DH and I just took 2 days off together while the kids were at nursery, bought new toys and shagged like teens. It'll be back. Just be an ally, not a dick.

And you're most probably not the manager of anything. What's your kids shoe size, when will they need new pair, where will you go buy it and what 11mo babies wear as shoes? What's for diner for the next 2 nights and is it balanced with the rest of the week do you need to do some shopping for it and do meal prep in advance by the way have you added washing liquid to the shopping list and thought of what would be an age appropriate gift for you DN's birthday in 2 weeks? I can go on like this for the next 2 hrs.