AIBu - to want to have sex with my own wife

YANBU and you sound thoughtful and a great husband. It’s certainly not too much to ask to have moments of passion (and I say that as mother to an exclusively breastfed baby). I feel a tiny bit annoyed with your wife on your behalf, she must know in her heart of hearts that this isn’t okay for you. You definitely need to talk to her again, without anger obviously but letting her know how much this affects you.

What put me off sex after babies is body image. I felt unattractive and uncomfortable in my skin after childbirth and breastfeeding, I know that’s silly and change is natural but the changes in your body can be overwhelming, especially after two babies close together. I also worried about contraception failing and falling pregnant again. You need to talk to her again I think.

I reckon as your youngest gets older things might improve. She'll surely be weaned soon, your wife won't have to sit for hours breastfeeding a one year old and life will start to feel more normal again. I think you sound like a really good dad. Keep doing nice things for your wife. Could kids go to a grandparents for a day and evening and you could take her away maybe? Away from thinking about housework and stuff?

What a nasty response. Why do people have to be nasty just for the sake of it. Seriously go I think you need help!

Oh and also, I have the resentment thing too... I understand men work but you sleep and with work you do every day what you will do until you retire it’s not really a big deal. While moms tend do have no decent sleep which humans need to function - so that’s off putting when a man doesn’t understand how hard it can be.

I only read the first two pages but I can relate being a mom of 2 with similar ages kids, I am so inbelievely tired and therefore just don’t feel the same. I eat quick sugar fixes, hardly get to drink anything so never hydrated and I think all these things make a big difference to how you feel. I do still do things though, and am fine once in it but just rarely initiate it. I think you two need a break or a night off with no kids. Can someone look after them. Then that gets her off mommy mode and into wife mode.

Hmmm. Mismatched sex drives was a huge reason for divorcing XH.

I had low libido due to depression which worsened after the birth of our first child. XH conveniently didnt belive in mental health problems, I just needed to get over it.

The constant pestering for sex was a huge turn off as was the sulking and silent treatment if he didn't get it.

At the time I thought the problem lay with me (probably because XH was very vocal about that fact). Now, I'm in a new relationship and I realise XH was an abusive, controlling twunt who withheld all affection and had emotionally checked out of our marriage several years earlier.

Funnily enough both my depression and my sex drive improved after XH departed.

If you genuinely want things to improve I would suggest maybe speaking to your wife honestly and openly without putting pressure on her. Let her know how negatively the lack of sex makes you feel but equally let her know that her happiness and needs are important too.

Maybe seek to improve intimacy without expectation of sex. Ask her how her day was and listen to her answer. Respond to her difficulties and take pressures off her elsewhere in life if you can. Your children are still very young. Make sure your wife has enough time to herself. I work part time and would say I get 0 hours per week when I am not working and not with the kids. It's exhausting and there are jobs I need to get done which are impossible with a toddler in tow.

I think apples post is very good.

I think you sounds more worried about what you are missing that you feel entitled to, than how your wife is feeling leading her to not want sex.

*Amazingly our second child was planned.

If there was every a time I wished I had dud sperm....*. and what an AWFUL thing to say. You'd rather get laid than have your daughter - what a catch you are. No wonder your poor wife doesn't want to sleep with you.

Hear, hear, MirriVan.

No one is entitled to sex.

Not another bloody whiney man on Mumsnet ...

It's been 11 months FFS.

Big of you to send her out though 😏

@Verbena87 - I am so sorry for your experience. I really hope it gets better

Oh you do all the bills and banking and mortgage stuff. That must be so strenuous!

How is that comparable to having to put your own needs last all day every day?

*Amazingly our second child was planned.

If there was every a time I wished I had dud sperm....*

So you'd be willing to sacrifice your second child just so you can have a bit more sex.

Fuck me...

You work 50 hours a week, she works 168.

YABU.

I absolutely went off sex with my XH because he was never "in charge" of the DCs. He would babysit rather than parent and never knew what they needed next or what to feed them etc without referring to me. I felt like I had an extra child. It's a shame because we had got on brilliantly and had a very good sex life for years.

I have four Dcs. You must tell her how you feel.

Sexless marriage is possible, no matter that Mumsnet often finds it shocking and pathetic. My DH shut up shop after we conceived our child 8 years ago. Won’t talk about it. Took him to couples therapy and even there he said he didn’t know why, and wasn’t fussed. The furthest I’ve gotten is making him have a physical to check hormone levels and general health conditions that can affect libido. Came back clear.

Now I’m at that crossroads of knowing if I want sex ever again in my life, I’ll have to end my marriage or go outside it. I refuse to break up my household for a need of mine that I can suppress if I try. I calculate that although it’ll affect my DD to see so little fun/intimacy in her parents, it’s still better than divorce.

I’ve become an expert on knowing what it is that sex gives you in a relationship, and what damage not getting it does to you. I guarantee it’s more than people think. And it’s nothing like being single and ‘not getting any’. It’s like living in a restaurant, hungry, but none of the food is for you.

We’re missing the ‘glue’ that connects and reconnects us as a couple. Without it, petty arguments are more frequent, and more liable to escalate. Without needing to ‘keep himself nice’ for sex, he is sliding in his appearance and personal habits. I find I have periods of drinking more and eating more to self-comfort- with the added comfort of giving myself an answer to ‘why doesn’t he want me?’ ‘ah, I must be too fat’. Truth is, I am beautiful and desirable, just not to the person I love.

If you do stick with it, and accept a celibate marriage, you have to pay attention to your mental health. It’s easy to let it seriously affect your self-esteem. Make up for it in other ways. Be clear on why you’re doing it, that it’s a choice you made. It’s not a full life, and I get very wistful sometimes, but it is doable.

But do therapy first. I didn’t give up until I knew I had expressed my sadness and pain fully. The therapist helped me do that.

I would not survive in such a sexless relationship. Talking past this is key.

@Applesandpears23 I will check back tomorrow to see if I have made a massive booboo. Apologies in advance if I have.

night OP

After our child was born I had pretty much no sex drive for about 18 months. I think we maybe had sex a couple of times.

The main reason for me was just the desire NOT to be needed. I felt like sex was just another job that had to be accomplished. I was tired, resentful, I felt unattractive, easily irritated and I definitely had PND which lingered for a long time.

I also shied away from any physical contact because I felt enormous pressure that it had to develop into full blown sex.

Our child is now 3.5 and our sex life is back on track. My husband will always have a higher sex drive than I do and I am also massively influenced by my hormones. So, there is a window of 7-10 days each month where I'm up for it, the rest of the time, I'm just not. He understands that now and doesn't pressure me.

I guarantee that your wife is feeling the pressure, even if it's unspoken. She's not stupid, she will know that you're frustrated. The thing is, the lack of sex has become the big elephant in the room. You need to try and find a way to communicate with her because yes your needs should be taken into account too.

Try and reintroduce some physical intimacy (cuddles, holding hands, a massage) but make it very clear that you're not expecting a shag at the end of it.

Talk to her, listen to her, connect with her on an emotional rather than practical level.

apples can correct me but I doubt "Stop saying you feel tired." really means never again say you are tired.

My friend has a dh who is always ill, always something wrong, if she gets ill, he is always sicker. I do wonder if apples was meaning something like this, being tired is not a competition.

"Don’t talk about yourself." Yes, I agree that not talking about yourself ever is not going to help communication but to be honest some people talk about themselves a lot and some do not. I'd probably say something like, if you always talk about yourself a lot, take a break, if you never talk about yourself, then start!

But exactly what apples meant will probably be clarified.