AIBu - to want to have sex with my own wife

I didn't say they did or he should

Oh come on Lottie that’s totally unfair. Most marriages do not become sexless after children, OP did not choose this life or have any way of predicting it.

Where is your resentment directed OP? At your wife, dcs, your choice to have dcs, the very existence of housework and your own inability to do enough of it to make it 'done'?

It's just I find the idea of 'resentment' a bit odd. You've made choices that have changed your lives and you're now living those changed lives. So logically, the only person you can resent for your current situation is your past self, for having made those decisions.

But, while neither of you could know quite the full impact your joint choice to have children would have, you will both be past the hardest phase in a year or two. That's life. Other than railing against biology for making human infants demanding, I don't understand where 'resentment' comes in.

Resentment sounds like an adult expression of 'it's not fair!'. But who or what is it that owes you a duty of 'fairness'? Specifically, what you seem to be talking about, which is a duty to provide continuing elements of your previous, pre-dc life, while you also get two dcs? Who, or what is in a position to provide this to you (and to your wife presumably)?

You seem to want Schrodinger's dcs - both present and not present (having no impact on your life) at the same time.

LIfe ain't like that. You make a choice, there are consequences. The people who thrive are the ones who recognise the true nature of the change, embrace it and make the best of it, even while the future remains unpredictable. Life's losers are the ones who look constantly to the past and whine passively about life being 'not fair' as if some interventionist god of fairness is going to sort it all especially for them.

Back to your actual words: I do feel resentment that I'm working to give her that free time to counter the "mums do more" thing but I just cant do enough. How do you think she feels? Does she feel she can ever do enough, or that the work is ever 'done'? Surely this is a case for mutual sympathy and teamwork against the tidal wave of work you've mutually brought upon yourselves by having children? something to work together at, commiserate each other upon and jointly look forwards to the days and years when it all gets easier and you both have more time to relax and do other things.

That aside from the deep suspicion I feel when anyone frames another person's life experience and legitimate, personal feelings, in terms of a general concept or 'thing'. Your DW's life experience is not 'The mums do more thing', it is your own DW's, deeply felt, lived experience. I realise it's just an expression but it suggests a level of detachment on your part and speaks of your putting her in a 'mum' box built of your own (probably both of your) unquestioned assumptions about what that role entails. Question those assumptions. Discuss them.

I don’t understand where the figure of OP’s wife working 168 hours comes from? I say that as mum to a baby.

Three full-time days at work is far too much with two small children. Rather than all the pressure being on you to create time for love making by doing more at home, could your wife do less hours or days at work? Is money really that important, when your marriage is at stake? She’s already said she doesn’t want you to do fewer hours and her more outside the home, she wants to do the amount she does at home. It seems that reducing her work commitment could help.

There are some bitter, man hating ladies on MN, wow.

@misericord thanks for your kind words. Nerves can keep regrowing for up to 2 years so looking at things that was I’m not even half way through healing yet - we’re keeping our fingers crossed.

Thanks for all the praise. I tries to make the list achieveable and by doing housework spontaneously you would be helping to reduce the mental load.

To clarify all the things on my first list were to be done at least once a week. So I didn’t say don’t talk about yourself. I said one time a week ask her how her day was, respond and listen without talking about yourself. One conversation a week not about you. Don’t say “how was your day?” then wait for her to stop talking and tell her how your day was. Actually talk to her about her.

Similarly you don’t have to stop saying you are tired just try to give her one day a week where you don’t complain you are tired! My hope is that trying not to say it once a week will make you notice how much you say it and how much of a habit it has become. I personally get annoyed if my partner spends all evening moaning about being tired, is too tired to listen to me about anything and then when the kids are finally asleep wants to waste precious sleep time having sex! Make time for sex by cutting down on moaning time.

First, you need to decide what your priorities are. If the worst was to happen and you didn't have sex ever again with your wife, would that be a deal breaker?
My DH and I haven't had sex for three years. We are older and our kids have left home, however, we are more at ease with each other now than we ever were. We hug and kiss daily, snuggle up on the couch every evening and hold hands when we're out. We just don't have actual sex. We do occasionally talk about it, and we both agree that it doesn't bother us. we love each other and feel very secure in our relationship.
When our children were younger, sex was a bit of a sore point, he wanted it more than me basically. Life just got in the way!

You really do need to sit down with your wife and take to her. Get someone to have the kids for a couple of hours, tell her that you need to discuss the way you feel and to listen to how she feels. Not with the intention of the conversation ending in sex, but in order to clear the air.
Sex isn't the be all and end all of a relationship. Not talking can be.

I just wonder why you had a second baby if your marriage was suffering after the first? at the moment you have two very young children, your wife is consumed with them and she most likely is in full mummy mode and is not feeling the need/want for sex.

Date night is a wonderful idea but I think a talk is needed as well, even if it is awkward.

Also I think u need to consider that u want sex knowing that she doesn't. Even if she were to agree to wat u want her heart isn't in it an she's told u y. I would be desperately sad if the sex was this one-sided. To me the intimacy is when both parties r giving themselves to each other

"I know this is harsh on her - but I work 50 hours/week - she works 24. This makes it hard to get the balance right."

No - you work 50-58 and she works 168!! Especially as she's probably still dealing with broken nights.

And are you ACTUALLY working 50 hours a week or are you inc commuting time and breaks in that? Cos when she's home with the kids WORKING at that, she never gets a break - EVER. Not even for a pee! Let alone free headspace that you get commuting, or tea breaks, or lunch breaks.

You say she does more housework - how much more? Honestly! Do you tidy up after yourself?

mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/amp/

Is all the mental load left to her too? Do you take any responsibility for booking appointments? Organising the grocery shop? Managing the family calendar?

"I think I feel worse this time as it didnt get better after baby 1 and now we have 2" baby 1 was still very young when baby 2 was born! Give her a frigging break!

Similar to Fermats my libido didn't really kick back in until dd was about 4. I'd split from my ex when she was 2 due to his cheating (which he tried to partly blame on this - but I later learned chances were he was cheating throughout the marriage). I didn't know of mn then and tried to "fake it till you make it" with now ex as I was under pressure from him basically from as soon as I had my 6 week check! After splitting from ex I started speaking to other mums about this irl and on another parenting forum and discovered it's very common for women not to be particularly interested for at least a year after giving birth.

But that's definitely not helped by husbands/partners who don't pull their weight or appreciate what their wives/partners are doing on a daily AND nightly basis.

In fact as I write that I have an idea.

I think all husbands/partners should do as much as their wives/partners inc getting up at night EVERY time their wife/partner is awake doing night feeds, early mornings etc etc for a month even - see how much you're in the mood for sex then!

I'm also getting the feeling you're seeing whatever you do as payment for sex. You pulling your weight housework/childcare wise doesn't mean she owes you anything in return - it's your home and children too, you are responsible for 50% of the housework and raising the children ANYWAY.

"These are things I can do without having to know what the children have eaten at lunch"

A financial management is a TINY part of household management

B you should care what the children have eaten at lunch WITHOUT it being necessary to 'your' tasks.

It sounds like you're not fully involved in your family.

This is why i work full time, amd have done since they youngest ones were 18m and 9m. I found being at home with them exhausting and I didn't feel like me anymore,just a mum. I didn't want DH to touch me, he actually made my skin crawl and I would tense up if he cuddled me, would go to bed really early so he wouldn't try to initiate sex. I was so tired, I just didn't have any interest in sex or him really. Went back to work and even though I have a 2hr commute so an 11hr day I am so much happier and our sex life is better than ever. We have a cleaner twice a week and the shopping delivered so hardly any chores to do outside of laundry. Bliss!

I'm not saying this is what your wife is feeling, but for me once I was less tired and felt like me again, I was fine.

I think you've made a lot of effort actually op. Im not sure what else you could have done work wise-you have financial commitments as a family and someone has to work more outside the home to earn money to meet those I assume?
I would have bitten my then husbands hand off if he'd worked a four day week and helped at home on the other days. Of course your wife is tired. But Im pretty sure you are tired too. I get a bit fed up of threads like this where whatever one partner has done to try and make sure things are equal is dismissed because being at home with kids or breastfeeding is always harder. It isn't-all the time-there are hard parts and easy parts as for any other job.

That said no one has a right to sex with someone else if they don't want to have it.
When my kids were young I just didn't fancy my husband that much tbh. And as time went on we fell into a pattern of having a non sexual relationship really-to the point where it actually felt awkward and weird to have sex with him. (There was other stuff around that in that I just didn't find him attractive objectively any more as well, which may not apply in your case).
What helped me was just sort of deciding to get on with it the first few times-because I wanted to try and save my marriage. And it ended up being not as bad as I thought-and eventually enjoyable. And it did work to a point. No amount of talking about it would have helped us at that stage because I found that to be a bit cringey tbh. As his wife I obviously knew he wanted sex and I'm sure your wife does too.

What others have said is true-it can take years for libido to come back after the small child stage. It just then comes down to how much of an issue, compared to how good the rest of your life together is really.
Sorry-I know that sounds a bit grim.

You sound lovely

What apples said. I bet in two months you, and your wife, will be in a totally different place.

Bravo Apples - a lot of problems would be solved by this.

Take a day off when the kids are in nursery. Just one day. Do something together - a nice lunch, or a visit to a special place you haven't been to for a while. It's important to spend time as a couple, not just as mum and dad.

My DH and I haven't had sex for about a year. My reason is I just don't fancy him any more 😢

We've never actually discussed it and he stopped trying about 8 months ago. I've been ill all year ( getting tests done and I now know what's wrong. Nothing serious) and he thinks that's what the problem has been.

Lately he's been hinting ina jokey way and I keep batting it away. I know we need to discuss it but how the hell do I raise the subject? "Dear husband I don't fancy you but I still want sex. Just not with you".

I know we need to split up but it will destroy him. He adores me and he's done nothing wrong. I love him and don't want to hurt him 😢

Breastfeeding killed my libido stone dead. It was hormonal, but also as my boobs never stopped leaking I felt as sexy as a wet flannel.

She is working more than you if she’s doing all the childcare and 24 hours a week. Plus her body is involved in a way yours isn’t - nails down a blackboard is about how it feels TBH.

Doing gardening and ironing - these are sporadic tasks. They aren’t done daily nor does anyone get seriously disadvantaged if they aren’t done. Unlike feeding people, doing the laundry, etc. Looking after a baby plus working is exhausting. She must be shattered - I’m shattered and I’m in a similar position. Doing everything else is the daily grind. Breastfeeding is exhausting and has always made me feel totally neutered.

You’re at the most difficult point right now - little kids are exhausting. It will get better. Marriage is ups and downs, but you need to communicate about this. Talk to each other, and get through this stage. I would hope you can see it as ‘how can my wife and I get through this exhausting and demanding life stage while retaining our love and respect for each other’ rather than ‘how can I get her to have sex with me.’

I didn't read all the responses, but if you're still here OP:
I'm in a similar situation to you but I'm the wife. I love my husband, I would like a sex life, but I am tired exhausted and sex is the bottom of my to-do list. My husband tries not to pressure me, but when he does ask I feel awful. I don't want to do it, I just have no desire, and I know that is hard for him and I don't want to inflict a sexless marriage on him either.
Things my Dh could do that would improve the situation (maybe these apply to you too)
-arrange some romantic time together, with explicit caveat that sex is not an expected outcome after dinner
-compliment me (I feel like shit about my appearance since having kids)
-give me a massage
-use lube. Lots.

• look after his own appearance. Dress up a little and clean his damn teeth before he tries it on.

If he did the above, he'd get it a lot quicker than if he tried talking to me about why I don't want it. Hope that helps.

I don't know if anyone already asked this, and you don't need to answer OP, but how often does your wife orgasm when you have sex? If the answer isn't every time or most of the time, then sex is going to be another job for her in a long list of jobs. (Having said that, with a still breastfeeding 11mo it probably doesn't matter what the sex is like, by the end of the day being touched will be like nails down a blackboard).

Your youngest is only 11 months. You also have a preschooler. This is a very difficult stage and I would personally in your position wait. I wouldn’t tackle the problem again until she stops breastfeeding.

^^This. It's no small matter to your wife's body and psyche these children she has birthed you both. You are in a period of flux and change. Slow down, don't make big decisions - marriage is about the long view. There will be peaks and valleys in any long term relationship. 2 young children is a wonderful but exhausting adventure. Check your priorities, your timing, wait and revisit IMO.

I think there are one or two very nasty responses on here. Thankfully most have been thoughtful, kind and constructive and the OP seems really to be listening and taking feedback on board.

Body image, tiredness, resentment, the less you are affectionate it becomes the new norm.

But what really stands out to me is your lack of communication. You've only spoken about it once - think it's time you spoke about it again.

DH and I have had similar times, we've been together 33 years, but we do talk about it when it has occurred. It's REALLY important to say the right thing, in the right way. Pick a quiet, kid free moment and kind of say - I miss you, I miss us being affectionate, I do miss sex but, most importantly, I'd like you to be really honest with me about why you think it's missing from our relationship (no blaming)?

Good luck op, you sound like you care about her very much, please hang on in there, your family is your world, as you've said.