AIBu - to want to have sex with my own wife

people having really good sex don't tend to go off it

Hormones, birth injuries, exhaustion all make a difference. You’re super lucky if you’ve avoided the joy-blocking influence of all three: enjoy it, but don’t assume everyone else can.

@lottie i actually thought your post was really insightful...i think I've been trying to frame those thoughts in my own head but you putting them into words made them make sense!

i also can't believe most posters haven't picked up on the "dud sperm" comment.... i think actually thats quite revealing. OP wants to play the 'good guy' but is probably an arsehole. Who else would actually wish away their child to get more sex?

Are people really saying breastfeeding mothers “work” all day and night without breaks?

Mine woke hourly at least for 18m. Doing that and holding down a job was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It nearly broke me. So yes. It’s a 24 hour a day job for some - kids with SN or health issues on top must be even harder.

Way harder than work alone. And my job is demanding, long hours and technicalnwith a lot of responsibility.

There are some bitter, man hating ladies on MN, wow.

Yeah, these threads are so predictable.

Woman posts that her husband doesn't want sex anymore = 'He's gay', 'he's having an affair', 'he's asexual'.

Man posts that his wife doesn't want sex anymore = 'You're crap in bed', 'you're unattractive', 'you don't do enough housework/childcare'.

So basically it's always the man's fault.

I appreciate that crispy, we are out the other sidenow thankfully!

I don’t think it’s quite true that “people having good sex don’t tend to go off it” - I would add “without good reason” at the end! In my case, we had a great sex life and I still fancy him.

It’s just that I’m so tired (the baby woke up every single hour last night and got up for the day at 6am!), and still find sex a bit painful, which I think is due to breastfeeding hormones. So I haven’t gone off sex with my partner at all; I just don’t feel like it right now because my body doesn’t feel up to it.

But of course my partner feels very rejected and it is really really hard to meet the wishes and needs of both. I just keep gritting my teeth and saying, “the kids will get older before we know it”...

I found it easy after initial hiccups with ds1&2, but with dc3 every feed was hell for an entire year. She had reflux and fed constantly with an undiagnosed tongue tie. Please understand your experience isn’t everyone elses.

Fair enough - I rescind my initial statement! Sorry to hear about your experience

people having really good sex don't tend to go off it

This is bullshit btw. DP and I used to be at it like rabbits, contraception and now bf caused me some total slumps. We're all just victims of our hormones at the end of the day.

Are people really saying breastfeeding mothers “work” all day and night without breaks?

Yes.

I found it easy after initial hiccups with ds1&2, but with dc3 every feed was hell for an entire year. She had reflux and fed constantly with an undiagnosed tongue tie. Please understand your experience isn’t everyone elses.

Honestly we were the same. I ended up not wanting dh near me as everytime he touched or kissed me he wanted sex.

Be honest and say sex is off the table for now and u won't ask her but you want to kidd and cuddle but you won't grope or take it further.

@Frazzledkate and why would that be? What reason could women possible have to hate men 🤔

Or sex wasn't that good to start with but they tolerate it for the sake of having DC etc. People having really good sex don't tend to go off it.

This kind of makes sense to me too. Sex was painful after dc2 and I tolerated it a lot out of a sense of duty, which in turn made me dread it. It’s a complex issue.

applesandpears hit the nail on the head. For ease:

I have children similar age and I don’t feel like sex much. However occassionally when I get a decent amount of sleep AND a decent amount of time to myself with no children AND my partner is cheerfully and friendly I feel horny again. So I suggest you set yourself a goal to do all of the following at least once a week. 1) Take both kids out of the house for at least 2 hours unprompted. Pack the bag yourself. Decide where to go yourself. Come back cheerful and don’t try to give the kids back when you walk through the door. 2) Stop saying you feel tired. When your wife says she is tired sympathise, tell her you appreciate everything she does and make sure she gets as good a sleep as possible. 3) At a quiet time ask her how her day was. Really listen. Ask follow up questions. Don’t talk about yourself. 4) Make her laugh 5) Bring her home something she will like. Something she likes to eat or something small but significant. Not flowers. Something personal. 6) Remind her of something cool you did together before kids. Every single day: 1) Tell her you love her 2) Pick up after yourself (dishes, laundry) 3) Spend at least 30 mins doing something housework like (not diy) without being asked or mentioning you have done it. Try it for 2 months and come back and tell me how your marriage feels now.

That’s literally all my problems and dreams fixed in one post. Genius!

crispysausagerolls Unfortunately not everyone has the same experience as you breastfeeding.

Many women struggle with feeding, find it exhausting or even dislike it. Other mums have an easier time and really enjoy it. Everyone is different.

In fact, one of the things that can seriously impact breastfeeding is the idea that it is easy and one of those things that just happen. If mums have a hard time with it then they can feel like a total failure. So an honest and balanced discussion of the ups AND downs is a good thing.

Are people really saying breastfeeding mothers “work” all day and night without breaks? I’m demand feeding a baby who feeds A LOT and I really don’t think I would compare sitting down with a baby at my breast as “work”. Yes you have to be ready all the time to feed, but it’s hardly gruelling or rocket science, is it? Perhaps breastfeeding stats would increase if women stopped acting like breastfeeding is the hardest thing in the world as opposed to something we are biologically programmed to do. Really winds me up. I hate this “women are the victims” complex. I actually feel very sorry for my husband that he isn’t able to experience breastfeeding.

OP, I really feel for you. From my own experience, i am over a month postpartum and absolutely very much interested in sex again BUT I am embarrassed about th changes to my body and worried about pain. Do you think those could be contributing factors??

Loads of good advice and perspective on this. In terms of what to do about it, I agree with goblin, I'd put in place a sex ban (of sorts!) - I believe this is what sex therapists tend to do, to put the focus back on intimacy.

Start a conversation with her and say you totally understand tiredness, touched out, breastfeeding etc. That you aren't whingeing about the sex but you want to get the intimicy and affection back. Maybe suggest no sex for 6 months and reassure her that affection won't lead to sex. Tell her you miss her and just want to make sure your relationship is as strong as it can be through this exhausting part - sex can be taken off the menu for now. And say that if she's touched out and you go for a hug, let her know she can say "sorry, I'm just really touched out just now". Encourage her to voice how she is feeling and reassure her you'll be supportive. And get her suggestions on what she would like.

In terms of tiredness, housework etc - maybe ask her what would help and really listen. Be creative with how you work things - on your day off, she could take the kids out while you do a 2 hour blitz of the house. Or vice versa. A cleaner? More childcare? Things will get easier - I think this is the hardest bit in terms of the children's ages. You may financially scrape along for a bit but just do what you can to get through with as little resentment as possible.

Also, it is impossible to overstate how much touched-outness is a thing! I remember having to shove the dog down the sofa away from me as even having him next to me just after I'd put the baby to bed was too much! And my ex and I had split up so I had no DH or sex or affection to even think about!

OP me and my husband were in a similar situation to you until recently.

Like you he works 4 days and I work PT. I feel like when he’s home from work he also picks up 50:50 of the childcare, housework etc. So there is no resentment there from me about feeling like I’m doing all of the work.

But still, we had sex about 3 times during pregnancy and about 4 times in my baby’s first year. I just did not want to have sex. I loved him, still really fancied him but had absolutely zero libido.

I think the reasons for me were a mixture of hormones and sleep deprivation. Until I stopped breastfeeding the idea of sex was massively off putting, I just didn’t want anybody that close to me. In addition, if I was lying down there was no way I was having sex, I needed to SLEEP!

The thing that got us through it was talking about it. I just told him exactly how I felt and that I hoped it would change soon. He understood that and didn’t put any pressure on me to have sex.

We didn’t manage any date nights, making time for each other or anything like that as we don’t have much support. But once I stopped breastfeeding things changed. I started feeling a bit more like myself and my libido is starting to return.

It’s so different for everyone but I think the best thing is to talk to her. Acknowledge that there is no sex happening but reassure your her that you love her and there is no pressure.

Good luck

'My DH and I haven't had sex for about a year. My reason is I just don't fancy him any more'

This ^

Or sex wasn't that good to start with but they tolerate it for the sake of having DC etc. People having really good sex don't tend to go off it.

It can get worse when one partner perceives everything the other partner does as a “come on”. You mentioned that she makes it clear that a hug is just a hug and that makes it clear she has reached that point. This is sad because it means any affection is held back.

You know what would help? Telling her that you love her but need affection and putting in place a sex ban. Say to her that you don’t wish for her to feel pressured so could you set a certain length of time where you are banning sex. Point out that this means all kisses and cuddles will not be to lead to sex. This should help to alleviate her pulling away because she doesn’t want to encourage you. Hopefully this will restore intimacy and help you to reconnect.

Pressure turns women off. Even if you are desperately trying not to put pressure on her, she will still feel it as pressure because she knows there is a problem too, deep down.

I think it’s a case of waiting it out until this horrible (for both of you) stage passes. I went off sex so massively after each pregnancy despite fancying my husband and genuinely liking and loving him. I think it was a hormone change. My youngest is 3 and my sex drive is normal again. This is just one of those “for better or worse” periods of time I think.

I am the wife in a sexless relationship. My DH has lost his libido which has been really hard on me. It's been 7 years for us.

I am drinking spearmint tea in an attempt to reduce my libido. I read somewhere that this can help. I'm also getting involved with lots of sports - as an adrenalin boost - which also seems to help. And lots of self pleasure, of course, although I am not sure if that raises the libido even more... I don't want to leave so I am trying all I can.

OP applesandpears advice was fantastic I agree with another poster it should be laminated and given to all dads!

I have to admit when I am breastfeeding I have absolutely no libido. It’s like the light switches off. Sex actually hurts a bit and have to force myself to do it. Breastfeeding Baby no 3 and it’s gone again. But with each baby it came back almost instantly as soon as l stopped feeding so sure will be the same with this one and we will get back on track.
Dh has been very understanding. However We are still very intimate and affectionate and I think that is the main problem you have. Communication is the key. I talk to dh about it totally openly - he is happy that it is just temporary. I think you need to know that it is a temporary thing or not. And explain that you just want intimacy but don’t expect anything more.

Hi OP in your first post you said that you had sex a few times after your first baby then your wife unexpectedly conceived your youngest. Could it be that her interest in sex had disappeared due to hormones and tiredness with the first baby, then started to slowly return? Maybe this will happen again (hopefully not getting her pregnant right away this time). It might take longer this time as having two young children is even more tiring, but it could happen.

I do think you should make sure you are doing your true fair share of childcare and housework as suggested, and treating your wife nicely and work on improving communication between you both. If your relationship has deteriorated then even if her sex drive returns she may not really feel like being intimate. Not just that but of course you will both be happier overall if your relationship is good and you can talk about everything and work out any conflicts you might have.

I am questioning the way he frames the issue, in a way I hope might help him address it successfully.