AIBu - to want to have sex with my own wife

Op, please take care not to attribute your oh with feeling or thinking what some on here suggest. You need to speak to her. There are many angry women on MN and she wouldn't want to to be lumped in with them any more than you would want to be grouped with all other men.

Of course there's been some useful advice but forums can be dangerous places to ask for opinions, especially on delicate situations such as this.

Speak to your other half. And in answer to your question, of course you should expect to be able to sleep with your wife. Sure you can work it out with her, with honest communication and patience.

Gottalovethesummer

Maybe because we're the only ones on this fucking thread speaking any sense?

It is worth trying the counseling approach of course.

Realistically thought it seems like you (like so many other posters in the forums) has significantly mismatched libidos. That never ends well, relationships deteriorate, neither person is happy, etc.

You just might need to split up if you ever want to have regular sex with a close partner again. Life is short.

@Gottalovethesummer

'Oh no someone doesn't agree with me; must be a troll then'

I know this might sound strange but some people have opinions that differ from your own. Crazy right?

Believeitornot, your situation is a bit like ours in some ways. Similar aged DC and my DP felt touched out and exhausted constantly. She probably resented me for not experiencing the same, although I do understand that it's relentless, especially when you have more than one small child. Your DP is a complete dick for being disappointed at the suggestion of twice a week (I'd be happy with twice a year tbh)! I don't pressure her, in fact I don't even ask, although she knows I would like to have sex. What i don't understand, is how she thinks I'm going to be OK with a complete lack of sex for the foreseeable future and possibly forever. I wouldn't mind if she acknowledged it was a problem in our relationship, we could work on that together. But the few times we have discussed it she just says she's got no interest in sex and that's the end of it. At least you and your DH are working on it.

Mummyschnauzer, I can totally relate to your experience and how you feel, although I'm a man who was rejected for years (I don't even try anymore). I agree that if one partner doesn't want sex they shouldn't expect the other partner to be fine with that. It sounds like your arrangement is working out and you are perhaps all happier because if it? Do you mind me asking, does your DH know about the arrangement (not judging either way)? And how on earth do you go about finding a fwb?! I wouldn't know where to start. My partner suggested I find a sex worker, but it was in the heat of an argument so I don't know if she was being genuine.

She is likely exhausted and being touched all the time by the children. It is hard to understand when it isn’t happening to you, but it is incredibly overwhelming. Add in the mental load of keeping track of everything for everyone in the household and there just isn’t energy left for anything else.

Things that helped my husband and I
Hiring cleaners
Him taking on tasks without asking for my direction. An example, Feeding the kids without asking me what they should eat
Helping me get more sleep. The truth is that I need more than him. Equal sleep time doesn’t necessarily equate to equal rest.
Time. This is important. There will come a day when there isn’t a kid climbing into her lap every time she tries to sit down and take a breath. When that happens, intimacy will start to return.

I'm a bit like this at the minute with my DH. We have an 11 month old.

When I'm not at work, I spend my days being used as a climbing frame or luging around my son. Once he's in bed I simply want to be left alone and not be harassed.

I also never get time to be me. The girl I was before children. Maybe you could give your wife the day off. Like, properly off. No kids, no chores, just free time to be who she wants to be.

Good luck with your marriage OP, I think it deserves some hard work to try and keep your family together.

Speaking from first hand experience on all of this (as a woman). What you describe is very very common. First of all, studies show that long term relationships themselves cause a decline in spontaneous sexual desire in women.

Plus childbirth, breastfeeding etc on top - can leave you with a very changed view of your own body and sexuality. And the feeling of being pressured to have sex makes things even harder. All of this adds up to a situation where sex is the last thing you want - even in a great relatiohship where you love each other, work as a team, are able to solve other issues.

The current research based understanding of female sexuality is fascinating, and very out of line with what is generally portrayed in the media. Understanding it can help.

With my relationship facing similar problems to yours, I joined an online course with The Havelock Clinic, I did a course aimed at women. thehavelockclinic.com/ Although I still have to put effort and work into sex, the learnings enabled to me much happier and and me and my partner can both see a way forward in our sex life.

They have a course for men, as well as the one for women in long term relationships. It might be good for you to understand more about how sexuality works for women in your partner's position

thehavelockclinic.com/workshop/sex_life_after_kids_for_dads/

Good luck. Don't assume that things can't be changed.

"Woman posts that her husband doesn't want sex anymore = 'He's gay', 'he's having an affair', 'he's asexual'"

Bullshit Japan When a woman posts that her husband dosent want sex anymore shes asked if shes put on weight..

With me it was my exhaust that went off sex.Not a problem initially as we still did things together,laughed a lot,cuddled so I didn't initially miss the sex as my body was adjusting too.
Then his dad died and he became suicidal/depressed.That was hard work but we came through except that now there were fewer and fewer cuddles,doing thing together dwindled and he started to drink...That was what killed our marriage.
If you are still functioning as a couple then the intimacy may return but you need to find a way to talk.

When my youngest dc was 3 I thought I had completely gone off sex and/or dh.
We had a weekend away and I was frankly dreading the pressure to have sex
But after a night being us again with a nice meal and a good sleep and waking in my own time for the first time in nearly four years with nothing to do but please ourselves for another 24 hours - I was totally up for it
Such a relief.

But the point is that decent bloke or not sex should never be used as a form of bartering or payment

A decent man should be supportive and help out and it should be an equal partnership but he should not be doing those things with the expectation that doing so should lead to sex because they deserve it for doing so. Sex should form part of an equal loving relationship but the line between that and as currency can get blurry and that is what causes the issues

Ennirem is exactly right it starts to come across that he is expecting it because he does it without understanding how his wife is feeling and that can put any woman right off

*skivers

Well said fanfan. This bloke sounds decent and like he can't do much more. Having two babies is hard--for both mum and dad. Not all men are slivers, no matter what experiences some of you have had.

Is op coming back???

I found breast feeding made my libido tank.
Also hormonal contraception had a big effect in killing my sex drive - much more noticeable after having kids, with the associated tiredness.

The mini pill was the worst - ironically often given to breast feeding women.

If Daniel Craig (a big crush of mine) had appeared in the bedroom ready and willing, I'd have had no interest!

Coming off hormonal contraception and finishing breast feeding meant the sex drive came flooding back, sadly in the meantime my marriage had collapsed as he had started an affair. Please sort this now while you still can

@EuphoricNight and I haven't gone off it at all. Just gone off it with DH. 🙁

@Dadboddancer please make sure you read all posts by Applesandpears23. Honestly, counselling may help but try apple's advice.

Is it me or does
holy Pieter
speckled dot
Merrivan
ihitisyou
ok pedro
Sound like the same person. The tone sounds exactly the same. Strange how all the posts have been positive apart from this flurry of negative ones.

OP, I read your first few posts and thought you sounded nice and I wanted to give you some advice. As you go on the veneer of understanding falls away a bit and it seems more obvious that you are resentful and feel your 'good behaviour' should 'earn' you sex. This makes me like you less tbh... but nonetheless I'll give you my view on what may be behind your situation and what you might do.

The key thing is what was your sex life like before? If there was always an imbalance (you 'wanting it', her 'giving it' to you) then there's a deeper problem with the relationship and you may just be fundamentally sexually mismatched. Sexual compatibility - genuine compatibility - is very important and actually surprisingly rare. If it wasn't there to begin with, and you aren't just making a journey through the wilderness of young children right now, then your sex life together may be salvageable but you'll have to take a much more pragmatic view of sex, negotiate, and compromise, and not expect it to be all unspoken intuition and 'moments of passion'. You'll have to get over your reticence and really talk to her, and you'll have to make the effort to have that conversation in a way that doesn't involve whining and putting all the responsibility onto her. It will be hard work.

FWIW, my sex drive pretty much vanished after having my baby. I was tired and traumatised and breastfeeding (my drive does appear to be coming back a bit at 18 months as we dropped night feeds, which were most of her feeds, although I had some serious mood swings as my body adjusted to less feeding hormones). And frankly, I loved my baby with a bewildering force, like nothing I'd ever known, and it made the love I'd had for any romantic partners, including DP, look frankly puny by comparison.

And the only person I could reasonably expect to understand and share this love, which was genuinely the most terrifying, exhilirating, demanding and beautiful experience of my life - her other parent - well.... I know he loves her. But it is painfully clear to me that it is not qualitatively the same. It is probably a lot more sane and rational, and plenty of mums on here will tell me IABU. But she is not the burning centre of his world the way she is mine. Ultimately, he is, or feels he should be, the centre of his own. Still.

Our whole lives have changed around her, to be about her, and to me that feels like the natural and reasonable consequence of her existence - to him, I know it is a startling and unexpected and at times unwelcome thing. He clearly expected our lives to still be about us, with a baby. And will try and drag things around to that; and I try, but frankly it all feels like he's trying to pull us apart, to pull me away from her, and I know it isn't fair on him but I resent that instinctively. Him not loving her as much as I do (or in the same way I do is probably more accurate -this mad, all consuming way) sets us automatically at odds. And it makes me sad as I so want to share this life-altering experience with him, not have to fight him to hold onto it.

Just that massive change in my priorities means we have been dragged off the same page really. And if you don’t feel connected to someone, as well as feeling sexually disinterested due to exhaustion and breastfeeding/post-partum hormone changes, it’s going to be hard to summon up the enthusiasm to keep things ticking over.

I really think the only cure is a very frank conversation about your feelings, her feelings, your needs, her needs, and both of your capacities to compromise. Until you can knuckle up and have that conversation nothing will change, and she won’t be the one to force it as she is functioning well under the status quo. Own your own feelings while respecting hers and you should be able to have a conversation that isn’t whiney or blamey.

Another top practical tip from me is that timing is everything, and sometimes actually explicitly scheduling. Doesn’t work for everyone as it can make things feel too forced, but if I plan to have sex I can usually get in the mood for it. If I have it sprung on me when I’m not ready or interested it can make me feel trapped and defensive and puts me off other forms of intimacy in case they 'lead up to' sexual advances. ‘Usual’ sex times – first thing in the morning, last thing at night – don’t really work for a breastfeeding mum by and large, because you’re often knackered from either the night shift of feeding or a long day of child wrangling – and expecting to be interrupted by crying baby pretty much any minute can be off putting! If you work in the same role/place, could you ‘meet for lunch’ at a hotel or if close enough your house occasionally? Having it scheduled, time to prepare and get in the mood and look forward to it, and catching her when she’s got some energy and is in her ‘me’ frame of mind rather than her ‘mummy’ frame of mind might make all the difference. Just a thought.

Agree with PPs though, your characterisation of her as ‘your own wife’ is a bit creepy. She isn’t yours.

Sorry if this repeats anything already said there are some super long posts here I haven’t read through all of them. I’ll try and keep mine brief.

I’ve been with DH for 8 years and married for 3. We have a 15 month old DD who is a result of a very traumatic labour. Out sex like has had peaks and troughs, started well, reduced during pregnancy as I was worried about miscarriage, pretty much stopped after having my DD and was reduced to about once every 2 weeks if that, (from every other day before baby). It’s only recently started getting back on track and something I think it’s been down to sorting out my contaceptives (hormones were crazy and had some issues with the implant) healing mentally and physically from the birth and starting to feel better about how I look (losing some weight). One massive turning point for me was going to buy some sexy underwear (belly covering babydoll) which finally made me feel sexy again. It could be much more about how she feels about herself and what she’s been through than how she feels about you. My love for DH has never faultered which hasn’t always been reflected in our sex life.

Thanks @vinobell I always find claims about fairness and unfairness odd and jarring, in situations that have nothing to do with fairness, distribution, arbitration etc and everything to do with 'biology' or 'life'.

The answer has to be 'make the best of the situation you find yourself in. Working with the person you're there with, communicating well, really listening, will help.'

I may adopt that as a stock answer to all MN questions!

Sex is an important part of a relationship but it should be one that is wanted by both and NOT used as currency which is what happens I think in so many cases.

It becomes a bartering tool - I will do x y and z because I expect it at the end. The other sees this and gives in and each time it happens the intimacy and the closeness goes and resentment builds in. And for one they start to wonder why the other is getting rewarded for doing things that should be doing anyway. The other gets increasingly frustrated starts to wonder why they are doing x y z in the first place and start doing less. Rinse and repeat and the resentment builds.

My advice is always sex needs to be removed - the relationship needs to be worked on - if the issues can be solved it could come back, if the issues involve any lack of attraction or love or her part there is no coming back

You need to see which one it is

I'm not surprised she doesn't want to have sex with you. You seem to want a medal for what you do and sex as a reward for doing a bit of parenting. And the dud sperm comment

OP, if you're still there, I would urge you to look at how equal the distribution of work really is in your household.

As pp have said, this is about acting as a responsible adult and respecting the other adult in the house, so generating a feeling of mutual respect and esteem. This might lead in the direction of fanciability. It is not about 'sex for chores' because you are not a dog and she is not your owner (or your mother, handing out treats for good behaviour, bleurgh). And because pulling your weight domestically, in the house you live in, is just that, it is not 'helping' (there are about a thousand threads on that already) and there is no reason for her to be grateful for you not being a lazy slob. Presumably she married a capable adult.

So, you don't give us much information but what you do is ambiguous. Saying you don't come in and sit down sounds good. Like you muck in and do what needs doing.

You work four days - and do a day's sole childcare while she works? Or is she there that day too?

But, the tasks you've said are yours; finances, gardening and ironing, are all very small, occasional, or second-tier tasks - that is, when more important things need to be done, ironing and gardening don't really need doing. You may both need some work clothes ironed, nothing else needs it, surely? Gardening as basic maintentance - mow weekly in summer, weed and trim two or three times a year - is totally different from gardening as a hobby, for a beautifal garden. But that is a leisure activity, for when there's free time.

The stuff that needs doing daily is all the cooking, washing up, laundry (inc. folding and putting away), wiping surfaces, picking up toys, sweeping, then cleaning floors and bathrooms once a week (ish, not trying to start a MN debate about frequency). Then all the child-specific elements like feeding, bathing, entertaining, bed-time.

You can't breastfeed and that limits your usefulness at night (though is expressing a bottle so you can do a night feed something you've tried?) and may limit your usefulness at bedtime. Beyond that though, you can do all of the above daily domestic list.

You WOH 50 hours, your DW 24. So, she does 26 hours in the home while you're not there (unlike you, probably with no breaks). The crucial question is, for the rest of the time, when you are both there, is the work split evenly? Is the time to do your own thing (even sit down and twiddle your phone) split evenly too?

Lack of sleep is a killer and if you're sleeping enough and she isn't, you are leading very different lives. Your needs, perspectives and feelings will be very different.

Remember, your wife is the central character in the novel of her life too. She has her own god of fairness and hope. She is working out how to reconcile her lived reality with her needs, wants and wishes too - whenever she has the mental energy. Talk to her about that.