AIBu - to want to have sex with my own wife

But you're still not telling us what she says is wrong...

I clearly remember when breastfeeding that my body felt less sexual as my breasts were to feed the baby. I felt anxious that my dp was going to pay too much attention to my breasts and I would leak. He also forgot once and sucked my nipple and milk came out. Passion killer! Could the issue be something like this?

Loads of rhetorical questions - not expecting replies but to think on.

Do you feel like a team, with a shared agenda? Or is it the agenda of one of you with the other supporting that? Is there a plan at all or are you simply working on "what works for our family right now"? How does she feel about these matters? Have you spoken to her about the balance? Is she exhausted? Are you? You speak of knowing that the childcare and housework are monotonous, which is good (some men don't really acknowledge this) but not about how she feels about the current set up. 50 hours is a lot of work, and so is doing 90% of the housework and childcare. Worth noting - if you're working 50 hours and she's working 24, you're doing 68% of the wage-bringing whereas she's doing 32%, just taking hours into account. If you count commute time this may be more like 66/33. (IMO this needs to be counted in terms of hours and/or effort required, rather than money made). Does the division of home-based tasks reflect this? Is she expected to be "household manager" in the manner of organising, delegating and arranging what tasks need to be done when and by whom, is this factored in to the workload or invisible? Is the balance, overall, working for your family or are you both doing too much? Is this temporary - should it be? Your children are at demanding ages.

It is good that you are still affectionate (cuddling) while respecting her boundaries that it not go further. Some men make the mistake of jumping on any affection/intimacy and trying to push it to sex and it really makes it very difficult to accept any affection at all because it becomes almost a fear. But affection is very important and often builds the foundations from which sex can grow again. Do you laugh together and spend quality time together? Support each other, get excited for or concerned about each other? Do you ever socialise as a couple (e.g. having friends over, if going out is difficult). Do you have time for these things?

What was sex like previously in your relationship? Did it seem like something she was eager for and excited about and enjoyed or something that she did more for your benefit than her own, or more for intimacy than sexual satisfaction? Did you ever focus more on her than on yourself or did it always feel fairly equal from your point of view? Does she like to masturbate that you know of? Are you aware that sex can often be fairly unsatisfying and cause discomfort for women, not necessarily during the act but afterwards too? Is it possible that there are hormonal issues, body image issues, or discomfort issues relating to childbirth injury which might be getting in the way of her relaxing and enjoying sex? Is she anxious about becoming pregnant?

YANBU, it glues you together relationship-wise, keeps the love alive (sorry that sounds a bit cheesy re-reading). But addressing your OP directly: YANBU (again) otherwise what are you? Friends? Flat mates who share children? I think once that desire goes or is let go it's very hard to get back. Use it or Lose it to coin another cheesy expression.

I know this is harsh on her - but I work 50 hours/week - she works 24. This makes it hard to get the balance right.

That might be the problem right there - breastfeeding mums work 168 hours/week with no breaks.

If it’s any consolation OP, many women get msssive surges in libido in their late 30s / 40s. They reconnect with their bodies after the “baby blur” years. I’m sure your wife loves you very much, but her whole mindset has shifted. She won’t be thinking about her own needs at all, in any way, not just sex. You feel like your whole physical and mental being is kind of “on loan” to the babies, if that makes sense. You’re simply responding and you don’t have time to think proactively of about what you want.
I agree with Slimtime - try and reconnect through going out for dinner or whatever you both like to do. Help her remember she’s a woman in her own right, not just a mum. No doubt her libido will come back with a vengeance! Hang in there. I didn’t know what hit me when I turned 38 or so .
Good luck because you sound lovely.

There are lots of viewpoints and experiences here

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3328279-To-think-you-can-t-have-it-both-ways-regarding-sex

How were her labours? I love sex and fancy the pants off my husband, but since a forceps delivery with episiotomy I have 2 sorts of prolapse and nerve damage and sex feels numb and devastatingly sad. Makes me cry in secret for days afterwards because I miss being able to feel/ enjoy it so much, can’t orgasm at all on my own and only very weak and disappointing with husband (and definitely not from penetration) I think due to massively weakened pelvic floor muscles, and it also fills me with nauseating envy because his body still works and mine feels broken and defective. It’s easier to avoid it because it is so unfulfilling and feels like having what I’ve lost rubbed in my face. I’m 11 months post partum too - could she be experiencing similar? I’m really not sure anyone can understand the impact of birth injuries on sex until you’ve experienced it directly.

My libido dropped massively since having DS 8 months ago but we're slowly getting back to how things used to be. Part of the problem was undiagnosed PND for months and partly because I felt like DH wanted it all the time (which he does. He has a very high sex drive)
I agree with PP who said they'd rather their partner wash up. If DH does the dishes I feel a lot more relaxed from not doing them

OP, it's not even the doing your bit so much as it can be the lack of understanding about what being a super mum entails. And that can lead to resentment on her part. I haven't written my comment to be unnecessarily mean, but you'll find it is a problem a lot of women have, and it can lead to distance within a marriage.

"Hormonal contraceptives or breastfeeding can totally kill libido for women."

This ^^.

Once I stopped breastfeeding DD it was if a switch had been turned on. It made a huge difference.

People seem to forget that sex's original purpose is to make babies. If she's stressed out from looking after 2 then why would she want to 'make' more? (I know, contraception stops it, but look at it from biological aspect)

Also don't compare hours worked. Looking after kids is hard work. Some mums actually prefer going to work than staying at home looking after kids. How about she goes to work 50 hours and you try working 24 and doing all the hard work? Maybe then you'll get laid.

Loads of great advice from PPs. I’m probably being going to be quite simple, but how much time away from your DC do you and your DW get? And how much housework do you really do?

For me, when my dh is pulling his weight in the house and I don’t feel like EVERY SINGLE THING is down to me I’m much more in the mood, but when he doesn’t I have neither the time nor inclination to have sex with him because I’m seething with resentment and just can’t switch to feeling sexy. It does make me sad and I miss sex, and am trying to move past it, but it’s difficult.

Apologies if I’ve missed it, but what does your Dw say about it?

A browse of The Guardian/Lifestyle/Relationships/Love & Sex pages might also give lots of helpful insight, also from both perspectives.

Based on the title I was sure you were going to be unreasonable but after reading your post I have changed my mind. You sound like a decent and caring man, unfortunately this is a very common problem and there is no easy answer. A woman's body goes through so much during pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding, sometimes a decent sex life can be very low on the list of priorities. All that you can do is talk to her and try to find out what the issue is. You will get some good advice on here if you stick around from people cleverer and more experienced than me. Hope you can work things out.

You mightn't come home and out your feet up but you don't clamp a baby on your nipple either.

Well what does she say about it? I'm sure if she were on here we'd get a better picture of what the problem is. It could be a million things.

Hopefully this might be some use as I was single through most of my pregnancy and thereafter, so I can report on what happened to my libido in the absence of any pressure to "perform" for my partner. Pregnancy - libido went through the roof (individual experiences may and will vary, of course). Then my sex drive just vanished, completely, for about four years. I wasn't actually neutral about this, despite being single, I was actually distressed by it. My mum used to have a phrase "dead from the neck down", and that's what it felt like. My sex drive eventually came back when DS was about 4. I don't know why - I guess there was either some sort of hormonal reason or I was just plain knackered for the first 4 years.

I guess what I'm trying to say is "try not to take it personally" (impossible I know - I've been in a relationship where I was the one with the higher sex drive and rejection really hurts, especially because it's not just sex, it's the emotional connection that comes with sex, and the feeling of being desired by your partner). I think the marriage course idea sounds a good one.

Hi op. If finances allow, could you try surprising her by putting the kids in nursery on your day off one week and taking her out for the day? I don't know what your dating life is like, but sometimes rather than working on the sex, reverting back to being a couple rather than parents, may help. If you put less focus on the sex and more focus on you wanting to rekindle your general intimacy within the relationship then she may ease up in the bedroom.
I'm sorry you're feeling like this. It is so tricky. I have a low sex drive but even I couldn't live without it.

If you think your wife only works 24 hours per week you are crazy. I work full time and I honestly found being at home with my kids much more challenging. Being alone with no adult company was horrible. The fact that she does the majority of the childcare means she is pulling in way more than 24 hours. If you are doing 50 hours over 4 days, shes spending a lot of time on her own doing everything with the kids. The two of you are spending barely any time together. She feels pressured whuch is why she is giving you the signals. You need to appreciate what she does and then talk to her. Find out what she needs to reconnect as a couple.

I’ve been stuck in a sexless marriage for years after DS born. I don’t want to split family up. Miss out on half of DS childhood, saddle him with burdens of a broken home. I love DH and he really great in so many ways. I can’t cope repeated rejection. I’ve got a fwb. I know I’ll get slated on here but know it’s the only way for our marriage to work which I think is best for everyone. If a partner does not want to have sex fine but they can’t expect you to be faithful really. It’s worked like this in many relationships for hundreds of years.

Hormonal contraceptives or breastfeeding can totally kill libido for women. As can pregnancy / birth related physical changes such as stitches, tears, piles, weight gain. It's early days with an 11 month old. Our sex life was rubbish at that stage. Sorry but you will need to be patient. Try to make time to have fun together.

Ok, your wife does not work 24hours a week if she is working part time and doing the lions share of childcare and housework. That comment suggests to me that you lack an understanding of what her role in your family entails.

So to follow from that, and maybe I'm projecting here (although your reply suggests otherwise) she is probably exhausted, touched out and resentful. She might feel as if she is carrying the burden of being a parent on her own. I would work with her to actively show you understand her demands, making her life easier, and definitely look at love languages. The lack of sex is a symptom of a bigger problem.