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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want a female lover to brighten up my existence?

114 replies

milkchocolate · 29/05/2007 14:37

Is that cheating? or not?
I have my husband whom I love, and my kids.
But life is dull. Am I being unreasonable to have an "affair" with a woman? Who is also married with kids, if neither of us have any inclination to leave our husbands, and we live so far away we can hardly ever get to meet? Just a sort of flirtation?

Slap me if you must, or drill some sense into me.

OP posts:

tribpot · 29/05/2007 21:01

Good luck milkchoc. We can all use a buzzy friend or two

TheMoistWorldOfSeptimusQuench · 29/05/2007 20:50

And praise the lord that milkchoc has been able to come on here & find some broad shoulders and wise counsel rather than having her head ripped off.

TheMoistWorldOfSeptimusQuench · 29/05/2007 20:48

Good luck milkchocolate - I really feel for you & I hope you can find some resolution and happiness

perspehonesnape - what a very good and insightful point.

persephonesnape · 29/05/2007 20:36

I don't think it's as simple as labelling it as 'cheating', because that makes it rather black and white - the addition of the question of sexuality introduces a grey area.

denying your feelings towards someone of the same sex was what people had to do in unenlightened times. They used to have to hide their sexuality for a quiet life and people were more destroyed by this than someone simply having an affair.

i think you need to be honest with your husband and not continue living this huge unhappy lie.

AbRoller · 29/05/2007 19:55

good luck

kittylette · 29/05/2007 19:54

good luck xx

Original poster

milkchocolate · 29/05/2007 19:54

Wish me luck, I will be trying to talk to my husband about this after the kids gone to bed....

OP posts:

purpleduck · 29/05/2007 18:01

yep, cheatin'

americantrish · 29/05/2007 17:15

just saw your update to this after i posted my comment... good idea

americantrish · 29/05/2007 17:15

it's definitely cheating and i'm massively gay and bi friendly. it might be worth exploring what's wanting you to stray... or maybe you can explore your bi fantasties thru other methods?

if your husband were to find out, it could potentially ruin your marriage.

i wouldn't do it...imo.

PetronellaPinkPants · 29/05/2007 17:01

Very wise

Original poster

milkchocolate · 29/05/2007 16:53

Thank you all for your help.
It is nice to know it is possible to post about this without being slated or sensored.

I will tell her we must cool it off/stop this now. I dont want anybody hurt or upset, least of all my own family.

Think I must go get my self a "buzzy friend" lol.

OP posts:

michaelad · 29/05/2007 16:22

Phew.. you must be reeling.. I think it's pretty unfair and inconsiderate of her to want to "push this" knowing that you are not in a similar position to her.
Try and take some "time out" to find out what you really want. Especially since you said that you feel guilty and are "unable to let this go any further".

I can fully understand that the excitement can be overwhelming..but think of the possible consequences for you and dh.

GiantSquirrelSpotter · 29/05/2007 16:19

I think the problem is that as with any affair, you don't know how you'll feel three months in.

As with a man, you may find the relationship most definitely does threaten your marriage and family.

FioFio · 29/05/2007 16:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

milkchocolate · 29/05/2007 16:17

We have kissed. The earth moved.

She is bi, and her husband knows it, and he was ok with her having affairs with women, until they had kids. She has therefore had many affairs, but none recently. So she is trying to "push this forward". I am just not able to go any further than I already have by "letting" her kiss me. Now of course I am guilt ridden, and surprised I can even feel this way.

OP posts:

michaelad · 29/05/2007 16:12

Has anything actually happened between you and this woman yet or are you just flirting and thinking about how it might be "if"?

bananabump · 29/05/2007 16:10

Well, I'm sure there are enough of us out there who know how she feels. We all had lives before we met our menfolk.

Original poster

milkchocolate · 29/05/2007 16:09

Bananabump, yes I have had in the past, not for a very long time though. I met my husband when I was 21, I am 35 now. So, it has been 15 years since I was with a female. I have of course noticed beautiful women in the same way as I have noticed handsome men, but not ever actually felt attracted to neither a woman nor another man since I met my husband. Until now. So, in a sense the gender does not matter, but if it had been a man I would have been more "aware of the danger" and not let her under my skin. As it is, this just crept up on me...

OP posts:

michaelad · 29/05/2007 16:07

Couldn't agree with you more, bananabump!
Am really glad to see that OP could start this thread without getting stoned for it, iykwim.

FioFio · 29/05/2007 16:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

bananabump · 29/05/2007 16:04

I feel so sad for you, milkchocolate. I only need to read the thread title to know just what you're feeling. I understand how it is to feel that side of you never fulfilled or expressed, especially when life is dull and you want to feel alive again. Have you had relationships with women before?

There's no point in suggesting a threesome out of guilt, because it's not what you want, is it? You don't want to share her and have to worry about his feelings and his pleasure and making it all about him so he doesn't feel left out. In fact, I'm betting that telling him would spoil some of the appeal.

If you can, put her out of your mind for a few months as much as possible, then examine your feelings and see whether you can live with the "What if?" or whether you still want it as badly then. I'm sure you'll get your answer.

michaelad · 29/05/2007 15:38

I have had experiences with women in the past and am still attracted to women but would not really want to label myself bisexual. Simply because I don't like labels. I fall in love (or lust) with a person not a gender. I am quite happily married with two beautiful children and my dh knows about my attraction to women and does not mind it. To him it would not be cheating.

Be careful if it's just something you want to do to "spice up" your life! Are you just bored or are you really attracted to this woman?

Am here if you want to talk..

Original poster

milkchocolate · 29/05/2007 15:34

My husband is not really very gay friendly, that is probably one reason I never really talked about this to him.

However, he once mentioned a threesome could be fun, but only with him me and another woman, not another man. But I doubt he would be so keen if he new I was already attracted to the woman in question.

I think the best course of action would be to try forget I ever met her. Doesnt matter I am bi, doesnt matter at all, as I should remain true to the one person I married, who totally rely on me, and whom I love so much. After all, this is just "lust" and nothing else. That is my head talking! I can live without these emotions.

Though, I think I need to figure out why I let this situation evolve in the first place and tackle those issues head on.

OP posts:

contentiouscat · 29/05/2007 15:30

Surely though if you start an affair with her there is a chance your feelings will be emotional and not just sexual and that will threaten your marriage?

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